It's Almost The End Of May

My absence from spilling out my thoughts for the past few weeks gave me the impression that maybe I am contented and slowly seceding independently from this white space of mine. But here I am again.

I've always wondered when I will stop writing Gay & Invisible, for the day that this comes to an end, could probably mean that I have found other commitments and happiness to concentrate on building the life I want. Will I still be writing this come 35, or will I be a happily successful gay man with a loving partner and a life in which I am at peace with?

A good-looking friend of mine from the city of beautiful people, came to stay with me and my family for a couple of days last week on his way around the region. I didn't plan to play host but sometimes, things just fall into your lap for a reason.

Driving him around and spending the entire long weekend with him re-awakened a part of myself that I've missed. The part that is uncluttered and free, the part that travels and sees the world, the part that discovers people. I forgot what it's like not to be in this country and also not to be tied with having an unfulfilled life and a job here.

We are a reflection of each other in many ways, and being with him brought back memories of my life abroad. I remember everything from my stay in his city, to my entire journey since I chose to leave home in 2009. Freedom, boyfriend, a forward-thinking society is what I'm assuming is still somewhere out there for me.

He's straight and revealed to me just last week that he knew all along ever since we first met in 2009, that I wasn't heterosexual. I didn't plan on telling him but this revelation has definitely made us closer because he showed me how understanding he is of my situation.

I am not a fan of goodbyes but after seeing him off at the train station with his backpack, I felt so empty. He reminds me so much of the city I used to live in and also the exciting world that he is discovering out there. Being with him certainly brought on the inevitable bond where I start to develop the feel of attachment to another guy, even though he's straight.

Before he left, he mentioned something in the car that hit me. "M, we are the same. You are like me. We are very similar in many ways. We will never know what we want. But don't be afraid to be who we are and also to be different. Who says people can decide how we want or should live our lives. Fuck them."

I finally returned to work today after having taken a day off to rest. Physically I might have dragged my body to the office, however mentally and spiritually, I was just not at my place and completely lost the mood to work. 

I felt depressed and tried to understand why. Maybe because his presence suddenly broke the cycle of my mundane routine and brought a sense of change? Maybe he made me realise that what I'm doing now, the life that I'm currently living in is genuinely not what I want?

Am I Developing My Own Gaydar?

The other day, Hot Alpha Male and his gang of female colleagues were seated at a table next to me for lunch. That tight-fitting dark blue silk shirt that wraps around his Marvel superhero built. Those lower-body hugging grey slacks and polished leather shoes. I was soaking in a hot tub in my own head. I could no longer concentrate on my food as looking at him was all I needed to feel full. What is it about him that I can't take my eyes off? 

"Okay. This obsession is getting no where and it's getting ridiculous. Come on M, clear your head. The real thing. Yes or a No?" After a pause, I hear my inner self went: "No". 

There we are. I needed to hear myself say it out loud inside. Ever since properly coming to terms with my attraction for men, I think my inner gaydar has been gradually developing over time. My presence at a recent Futsal event filled with athletic straight guys made me realise the vibe I am now more aware of picking up when in the company of other men. 

I can't describe how it works, for obviously there are times when one doesn't even need such a gift to tell if the guy in front of you is gay. But when using it on other guys who are more challenging to sniff out, the intuition feels somewhat like a mechanical switch that would tell you if a guy might not be foreign to male intimacy.

Previously while trying to figure this out, I used to crack my head on how to develop such a complicated knack for knowing which candidate is playing for the same team. But now, I actually think that this radar is something that grows on you as you venture deeper into the gay fraternity. Your skills gets sharpened as you surround yourself more with gay guys.

Once while attending language school, I walked into a new class and instantly noticed this cute American guy seated at the corner. I indulged myself in a little fantasy kissing with him. Then for some reason, an inquisitive bullet of thought shot through my mind as quickly as it penetrated a wound in my skull. Gay! Maybe...

"Jeez M. Where the hell did that come from? A fantasy kiss in your head does not make the cute guy you fancy gay. Shut up!", my inner voice scolds as it reasons with itself. Then we finally chatted for the first time at the cafeteria and his behaviour completely convinced me even more that this guy is actually gay. Not just any gay, but a potentially bitchy one even though there were no signs of effeminacy. But man, he is cute.

After a few weeks, me and him were walking on the street going towards a party when he said he was going to see his boyfriend after this. I happily smiled to myself and at the thought that I might be developing my very own gaydar: "Hey look, gay! My gut feeling was right after all! I hear improvement bells ringing..."

The real challenge to a gaydar I find however, is the difficulty of trying to trust what your gay instincts are telling you so strongly in the midst of trying to digest the sometimes contradictory reality that seem to be playing itself out right in front of my eyes. Nevertheless, I think it is too soon to conclude whether or not if I have developed my very own gaydar, but I certainly hope that down the road I will sooner or later have one.

If It's Meant For You

A little something I read about destiny.

"If it's meant for you, you won't have to beg for it. You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny." - Chelsis Porter

Unexpected Fun With A Head Of Department

I was going to take a lazy break from writing because sometimes I wonder if what I spill out here is truly worth reading. Does it really help other guys out there? If not for others, then maybe for my own mental therapy.

There is this Head of Department in my office who is Irish, masculine and gym-fit with a personality. When I first started work in this corporation, I noticed him because although he is not what I would label as attractive, but he's not bad to look at for a guy in his 40s because he works out everyday at the gym. We rarely cross paths with each other due to him overseeing an entirely different division 5 floors down. Let's call him M² to avoid any confusion. 

Recently for some reason, M² and I kept bumping into each other everywhere. The lobby, the elevator, the corridor, even the fire escape staircases. And every time when that happens, I'd silently check him out without giving anything away. There was also an inexplicable vibe he exudes that makes me wonder if he is no foreigner to "playing for the same team".

Wednesday
He occasionally walks past my cubicle on his way to the Executive Director (ED)'s office and we'd normally give each other a nod or a hand-raise in mutual acknowledgement. Wednesday evening was the first time he actually lingered around our work desk and chatted with me and my colleague for a good half an hour. The exchange between me and him, the eye-contact, felt very much like a stretched rubber band under tension.

Thursday
Thursday afternoon on his way to the ED's office, the same ritual played out, however this time I turned my head around and watch him walk. After a couple of steps, he unexpectedly looked back and our eyes met. 

"He turned his head around! That's the signal!" My internal self went hysterical as if I just successfully witnessed a trademark behaviour, coming from a particular species of wildlife I've been trying to understand.

After his meeting ended, I replayed the scene in my head and decided to look again in the same direction. He was standing at the corner engaged on his cell, but his eyes caught mine for a couple of seconds before logic kicked in and I looked away. "Bus-ted!", teased my inner voice from the back of my head. I couldn't stop smirking in embarrassment for being caught.

That night, the company organised a movie event at the cinema and I found myself attending it with my colleague. Those belonging to management levels were grouped together and placed in Couple Seats. Somehow my boss wanted to get out of being seated with M², so she put me there. "You have got to be kidding me! M² and me side by side on a couple seat? I really don't like the feel of this convenient coincidence."

I didn't make a big deal out of it and just piped down on his right. Being right next to him, my instincts kept telling me that a sexual tension exists between us, but my logical self is refuting this claim for fear of being carried away in my own bubble. "Come on M, let's be honest and think about it for a moment. What and where is the concrete basis of this claim?" I sat there telling myself to just watch the damn movie and let everything else fall away.

Couple Seats have no arm rest in between and throughout the motion picture, he casually caressed his right hand on his thigh that was close to mine. It was distracting to the point that I started analysing every single thing. "Is he or is he not trying to? Damn it. If only I could read minds and skip all the trouble of having to guess."

The best part was, our knees were in close contact with each other. I instantly recalled this particular post from the Gay Banker that talked about how gay guys wouldn't retract their legs from physical contact if they're interested. So I left my leg there and occasionally would try to readjust my seating position, indirectly brushing my leg against his. He didn't pull away, but neither did he show any sign of advancement. "Okay, nothing much. Now what?"

While trying to figure it all out, I remember the body language and cruising etiquette that I learnt and witnessed from the gay sauna about a year ago. Although I now think I am even more sure of the answer, but I still didn't want to cross a certain line and make a fool out of myself. He is after all an important Head of Department within the corporation.

Halfway through the movie, I couldn't concentrate any longer and told myself to just take the risk and have some fun. It wouldn't hurt to see where this would go. If he truly was straight and I made a fool out of myself, I could just pretend that it was dark at the movies, anything could have happened and that he has no concrete claim over me or anything else.

Over the next 15 minutes, our hands conveniently found their strategic positions next to each other within the couple seating gap. I thought to myself: "Okay M, think think! If you were a gay guy who is eyeing another guy, your attention on him would be so magnified to the extend that you will notice even the slightest move, no matter how subtle it is!"

Now there's a theory. That was what I needed to hear from myself to get out of my own head and just take the risk! I started by initiating subtle intermittent physical contact with my index finger, one that is not too obvious, but also one that you wouldn't miss if you were truly paying attention to me. This time, there was a gradual response and just before I know it, we were discreetly holding each other's hand like how couples would. "Man what a risk gone right! What a risk well taken!"

"Jesus we're holding hands! He's gay and he likes me too." I giggled to myself on the inside although my external façade was nonchalant and calm. Throughout the remaining hour, I told myself not to bring my fears, my worries and my past into this moment and just enjoy the hand holding. We'd give each other a occasional firm reassuring squeezes as our fingers caressed and teased each other throughout.

A couple of minutes before the credits rolled, I squeezed his hand in reassurance while patting my right hand on our hold as a gesture to thank him and finally let go. The movie ended and we resumed the identity of two normal strangers who work in the same building. But for some reason, it now felt kind of awkward having to face him in normal light. Although it was obvious that we kept lingering around each other. 

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

You Now Know

I remember seeing and registering a sentence in my head that best described one of the most important process one feels while growing up in life. And that is: 

"You now know it is not exactly how you thought it would be."

Is it Fair to "Cure" Homosexuality?

I've previously mentioned that even though I don't come from a Christian background, I am not somebody who isn't open to other belief systems apart from my own. Mom recently opened up to her ex-professional mentor about her children because it's been a while since they shared a meeting. Her mentor is a very strong Christian and as part of his exchange with Mom, he voiced out as a matter of fact about his concern on how homosexuality is not innate, but rather the belief of his teachings that it's the work of external spirits to have affected one's journey in life.

While having lunch, Mom told me everything she and her mentor shared. Particularly about the sacrament of Deliverance in which can only be administered if one truly believes that the cleansing of oneself will work by committing yourself entirely to Jesus Christ. I remained silent throughout listening because all I could think of was how I'm already halfway through accepting this part of myself that has been plaguing me for life. And now I have, for the lack of a better sentence, been given something as such to consider.

She: [observing]

"What's going through your mind? You seem so quiet."

Me:

"Nothing, I'm just... " 

"Well okay. Why are you telling me this all of a sudden today?"

She:

"Oh no. I'm just merely sharing the conversation I had with him yesterday. I don't mean anything. You're an adult, I can't tell you what or how to think."

Me: [silent]

Me:

"Okay before I speak out. Let's ask brother what he thinks." 

Me: [turning to my brother]

"What do you think? I'd like to have your input on this."

Brother:

"If you ask me what I think, I think that... ever since you came out to us last year, plunged into depression and everything, I actually think it's not that simple. Because, I saw what you really went through and I think this whole gay thing, is not something as simple as how the mentor just put it to be. It's very much more complicated than that!"

Me:

"I actually would like to know what you think Mom. You've been sharing everything but you didn't mention anything about your thoughts or how you feel about this. So what are your honest thoughts? Don't worry about my thinking because be rest assured that I am a stubborn person who has a mind of my own."

She:

"I just thought that maybe there might be no harm in giving it (Deliverance) a try. Being a mother who witnessed the pain and everything that you've put yourself through for being different, it hurts all of us. So as an eternal care-taker, you must understand me as somebody who will never give up on hope and the possibility of making things right." 

Brother:

"But look Mom, if it really is the work of 'spirits' as how they say it is, then M wouldn't have still been himself all this while! You wouldn't still be you if you know what I mean."

Me: [laughs]

"Wow that's a very logical argument. I certainly didn't think of it from that aspect."

She:

"Don't get me wrong. I am not asking you to 'do something'. I just think that maybe it wouldn't hurt to try it out. The worse that could happen is that things will still remain the same, although at least we could say that we've tried something." 

"But in any case, this sacrament would require you to fully embrace and accept Jesus Christ. We can't go ahead if you don't believe in it. He said that you gotta believe in it in order for it to work."

Brother:

"But look, if he tries it out, and it doesn't work, he's gonna feel even worse about this whole thing. He's going to feel horrible about putting himself through this again. It's actually not fair."

Me:

"Okay. Wanna know what I think?" 

"I feel kinda sad because... yesterday I remember thinking in consolation to myself in that I'm getting better at accepting things for what they are, and what has come to be that I am. But now, with you telling me these things a day after I felt a moment of peace? It feels like such a mean game from the upper level world."

"And I certainly don't believe in heating up conversations for the sake of it, but my burning question to you is uhm... What makes you think that I will now allow Christianity to solve a problem I've been praying to for years that OUR higher power cannot solve?" 

"Are we saying now, that what we've held sacred for so long throughout the past, is not divine enough?"

She:
"Yes, I did think about it in a way that you've just so accurately verbalised cause it makes sense. But then, I am also an exhausted soul who's loyal faith in recent years, have been shaken up that I start doubting the sacred figure that has been with me throughout life. I too am just human, trying to consider other options of finding solace. Maybe something will work out?"

Me:

"Then how come straight people don't have to be 'exorcised or cleansed off' these so called external spirits?"

She:

"Because they're normal! They don't have to! There's nothing wrong with being straight."

Me:
"Ah-hah! There!"

Although externally I was calm, but at that point my heart torqued so hard in tears beyond recognition on the inside because it was an unfair statement that came from somebody who has walked with me through my struggle.

Me:
"How can you say that? They're normal, they don't have to, there's nothing wrong with them. If you must go with that kind of thinking then I really have no realistic grounds on which to argue any more because people will never get it."

She: [thinking]

Me:
"Sometimes it's so weird to think that despite religion claiming to command the highest divine power in the world, but yet when it comes to real world issues and earth grounding problems such as homosexuality, they can't seem to solve it." 

"And so, it is at moments like these that I question the legitimacy of spiritual beliefs that are in existence today. I'm at a point in life whereby if you put me in shark infested waters, I just wouldn't know who or which God to call out to." 

"For the past 20 years, I've lived my life believing in a higher power. And that... if my heart is pure, I will be seen and will go on to triumph life in my own way. But now, everything around me just seems to be happening in a way to show me that real life is really not how our upbringing, our religion, our beliefs and our moralities seem to romanticise it to be."

"So therefore at this moment, I'll have to say that what we're hearing today does kinda sound ridiculous."

Brother:
"I think the same."

Me:

"Because I am real! What I go through in life and perceive in this human form is real. And so, for somebody who is living in the reality of the shoes, the circumstances and the experience that came with being different, I really can't help but truly wonder at this point, if it is genuinely so easy for the priest, pastor or whomever that is not burdened with this problem, to say Deliverance is, homosexuality is, people should or people is... "

"Because like I've said so many times before and will say it again, outsiders never have to know what it feels like to carry this with them through life. They go to sleep tonight, and will never have to wake up to a tomorrow that contradicts them." 

My First One-On-One | ❷

[ Previously on... My First One-On-One | ❶ ]

First thing he asked, lights on or lights off? I told him to decide and he plunged us into darkness in a comfortable way, leaving only enough light from the partially closed bathroom door to illuminate our features. Even though I had body issues and probably preferred to foreplay with our shirts on, our clothes gradually came off stage by stage. 

I was a little thankful that the lack of light contributed to partially eclipsing my insecurities. I was just very aware of the fact that I have nothing to distract or cover up my flaws now, and that the truth of what they are, what my body is, is 100% in motion. I was certainly having the insecure ceremony in my own head, but then I told myself it wouldn't be logical for me to bring that baggage in here and let the issues spoil this "hard earned" present moment.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

My First One-On-One | ❶

After meeting E on Sunday, he hinted with a text that we could both hang out when we're free. So yesterday on a Monday night, he invited me over to his place for cuddles. "Oh. This could be it", I thought to myself. After teaching myself about gay life for about a year and a half, I could probably predict how this meeting was going to turn out.

I liked the idea of him seeing me in my formal work clothes because I look good. So I left the office later than usual, went home to freshen up, brush my teeth, sprayed some cologne and drove to his place. Although my heart was probably pounding about an hour ago, but somehow I don't know where I drew the inner calm to feel unusually normal. Perhaps it's because I managed to convince myself mentally that sex or no sex, gay or no gay, just carry yourself like how you would with other normal straight guys. "Lucky I was wearing my nice-looking Calvins!"

I arrived at his home and talked to him like any normal guest would when you enter somebody's house for the first time. You ask about the furniture, comment about his interior space and talk like how you would. We settled side by side on a couch in front of the television and I thought to myself, "Okay... I have a very strong feeling about what we both want. But damn it. What now? How are we to go about it?" 

Then I recalled all that I've read pertaining to body language and also to sit in a way that would encourage touch and skin contact. Memories of how I behaved at the gay sauna last year came back to help make it all easier for me to be a man about this. All the porn, the gay movies, the blogs, the stories and the Googling I did. I lightly touched his shoulder and neck and he instantly responded to cuddle me. "There we go! We've broken the ice!" I smiled to myself on the inside.

As soon as we embraced, his fragrant body scent unconsciously drew out the words: "Do you like kissing?" from my mouth. And before I could register what I just asked, our lips were sealed together in contact and I was finally smooching an attractive guy for real. My head was just scrolling with sentences!

"Oh my god. It's happening. I am finally kissing a guy I am attracted to. Man, he smells good. His lips taste and feels amazing. I have been waiting to experience this for so long! Since starting Gay & Invisible, since 2 years ago, since high school, since forever! Fuck, I am going to savour this."

The kissing was extremely enjoyable and I loved every second of it. We would alternate upper and lower lips with occasional nips initiated by me. He would suck on my tongue, cup his lips against mine, inhale deeply and just smooch. I could feel his breath, smell his scent. The rhythm,  the force and the flow, our mouths were basically complimenting each other so well that it was an amazing make-out. And although I have no experience, but I'd say I'm pretty good for a first timer with another kisser who certainly knows his stuff.

After a while, he suggested taking things to his bedroom and I went along with the flow. "Wow. I can't believe this is actually playing out in a way that I've read them to be, on blogs, in movies and in books!"

[ To Be Continued... My First One-On-One | ❷ ]

When Something Falls On Your Lap

I have a lot of therapeutic writing to do for myself. I think it was on a lazy Sunday afternoon when I first made contact with E via Grindr. He was there in his blur thumbnail and I was a frustrated werewolf nearing the end of a full moon without having bitten anyone. It is stated from the last post that I've been spending the recent Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays cruising compulsively. By the end of each day, I am drained and exhausted from all the talking, coaxing and pushing without anything materialising. My face and spirit would resemble a teenager who didn't make it to the basketball team.

I take pride in usually being a gentlemen when chatting to other guys, but on that particular Sunday I just couldn't help myself for being in such an abrupt dictatorial mode. I was very upfront with my request as I told E that I was serious about finding someone to have fun with that evening. And would appreciate if he to put it in literal sense, didn't waste my time. After a couple of face picture exchanges and persistent pushing on my part, he went along with the flow. But in the end, I chose to see a friend who wanted to hang out for coffee versus going to meet up with him at his place.

Then after about 2 to 3 weeks of here and there, I found myself juggling between arranging a sex date with a middle-aged athletic man in his 40s, and inviting E to meet over coffee on a Sunday evening. I think I said something like, let's give each other a chance and you'll get to decide how it all ends or turn out. E was reluctant and I could sense that it was because he feared that I would turn out to be a disappointment. I am not going to lie and say that a part of me wasn't nervous or worried too, but I'm just really tired of not coming into contact with anything new that I'm willing to give things a try.

E finally came into the coffee house accompanied by another friend who also looked stylishly good. Our hands touched as we exchanged pleasantries and somehow my eyes just couldn't get used to seeing E in flesh because he is now a 3 dimensional entity complete with a manly aura. 

Although E was the star of this meet up, but my attention also went partially to his sharp looking friend. It definitely takes a while to gauge but as my vision adjusted, I realised that E is more of my kind of guy. He's kinda hot and pleasantly good-looking in his own way. He gives me the confidence to believe that camera lenses just never do justice to real flesh and blood.

So we talked and got to know each other like two mature adults over the café table. There was a moment in my head when I was aware that I am actually sitting down and talking to real gay guys. I have indeed come a long way from kissing a guy for the first time in the Windy City and writing about my journey.

As we got to know each other more, I knew that the evening wasn't going to end up the way I hoped it would because of all the talking that brought out a pleasant sense of courtesy and respect for each other. His height, his shoulders, his arms, his body, his lips. I won't deny that I was rooting for some fun, but this meeting melted my heart a little. I think I could idolise this guy.

There was a point where E laid his hand briefly on my shoulder and I felt my heart fluctuate itself for an erotic second. He is not only an attractive 37 year old youthfully-28-looking guy, but one that is also firmly secure and positively happy about himself. And that intimidates me, so much. I thought there I was, the person behind Gay & Invisible, seated in the coffee house with two hotter looking and more established men, reminding me of everything I feared to be insecure about. Will I ever rise to their level in order to be good enough? I felt so tiny, so insecure.

The time to make a move came and we parted ways after a handshake. As I walked towards the basement car park, I felt so bummed. In the sense that I just want to crawl back into my hole and stay there forever because I was demotivated. I was an insecure person who idolise others. However, while in the midst of feeling a little bummed about how I'm truly lost and how I'm ever going to find my way, I just couldn't get E out of my head or the warmth I felt in my heart after the meeting.