Getting To Know Some Of You

Here's a thought. I've never done a question post like this before, but I would genuinely like to get to know some of you out there in the world as a person. Therefore, feel free to let yourself go and be creative with these questions. It will also show us the kind of interesting like-minded guys that are out there.

1. If I told you now that you could plan an event or throw a party for yourself, at which everything else such as (cost, location, timing, people, transportation, food etc) is not an issue, elaborate on where and what kind of a party will it be?

2. Right this moment, what is the one thing you would most want to witness or experience before you die?

3. If you could invite 5 people, prominent or ordinary, dead or alive to all dine together at a table with you for 60 minutes, who will each of them be and why?

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The more specific, the better. Write your thoughts on the comment box below, or send an email to: gninvisible@hotmail.com, whomever you are, whatever the sexual orientation. Anonymous contributions are welcome and interesting answers will be published.

Writers may choose to answer this on their own blog. Please provide a link to your post in the comment box below.

Reinforcing The Good To Eclipse The Bad

I've previously mentioned the Law Of Attraction, and experienced how this law manifested for me through constant visual reinforcement of a poster. This blog does not seek to promote any specific theories or philosophies, but merely discuss them through personal experiences.

The Law of Attraction certainly isn't the answer to everything in life, but merely one of the many natural laws that are at work in the universe.

In a nutshell, the Law of Attraction states that every positive and negative thought, conscious or unconscious including mental images that we conceive, will in return generate the same feelings and emotions that would trigger a manifestation, hereby attracting to you what you put out there. 

Reinforcing 'The Good', To Eclipse 'The Bad'

Now one of the most important concepts in the application of this law, is that it emphasizes on the constant introduction and reinforcement of everything that is good in our lives, to automatically eclipse the bad. I find the logic behind this theory very sensible and applicable to many aspects of the world that we live in.

The Secret states that we as human beings are encouraged to constantly reinforce our conscious good thoughts, such as a loving desire for something (for a dog, for someone else, for a hobby etc), to eclipse the mind from its unconscious bad thoughts such as a fear (of being robbed, of getting something you don't want etc).

The key here is that what you focus on, expands. Sometimes, we have no control over adversities, and the cons that came within whatever it is that came into our lives. But what we can do however, is focus and regulate the significance of each pros in each cons, the good in each bad.

I recently came across this phrase in a book which said something like: Sometimes we focus so much on repairing our faults which at best, would become mediocre at the end of the day. When actually, we should emphasize and fully enhance our strengths so that it automatically becomes the focus as it overlaps the bad.

This topic reminded me very much of a previous post, in which a wise friend of mine told me to focus on the good things in Beaker R to take my mind off the state of discontentment in Beaker L. It's all starting to make very clear sense to me. And being the philosophical minded junkie that I am, you can imagine how this law and its way of thinking is slowly starting to seep into my system.

Feelings Are Much Like Waves

"Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf." - Jonatan Mårtensson

The Elementary Metaphor To Finding My Appetite For Life Again

I am a very theoretical person. Sometimes too frustratingly theoretical that it often gets in the way of my grip in life. Which explains why I get so worked up all the time whenever things don't turn out a certain way I expect them to.

I've always grown up with an embedded principle that if one stumbles upon a certain problem, there is always a certain "sure-fire solution" to make things right. For the past few years, life has been trying to tell me otherwise. Getting comfortable with unpredictability, learning to embrace failure and imperfections, is a state of thinking I'm still trying to get myself to be okay with. Although I have no idea if this period of my life will have anything to do with my future, but overcoming difficulties and failures are what future aspiring entrepreneurs have to learn to master.

For the past 6 months of my life, I often find that I completely zone out because I was just so bummed at my situation at this young age. I was desperately trying to find the "once and for all solution" out of this miserable state of sorrow where life isn't appetising to me any more. While explaining the depressing state of blockage I was in to a friend, I had to use some kind of a metaphor that only my frustrated heart knew how to express it.

Me: 

"Listen, I don't know if this explanation is going to make any sense to you, but it's important to me and I hope you'll listen." 

She:
"It's okay I'll listen. Go ahead. Tell me."

Me:
"Okay. I'm holding two beakers in my hand, one on my left (L) and one on my right (R).  Beaker L is very full and Beaker R is almost drying up. The volume of liquid signifies the amount of energy and mental attention I currently harbour for each beaker."

"Beaker L represents my gay side, my unfulfilled closure with homosexuality, while Beaker R represents my motivation to live, along with everything else that make up my life: family, friendships, well-being, professional career, studies etc."

She: [listening]

Me:
"This is where I feel so trapped." 
"Trapped in a scenario whereby I'm completely overtaken and weighed down by all the mental energy and 'fullness' that is concentrated on trying to solve the unhappiness at Beaker L. And because of this, I don't have the heart nor the will to focus on Beaker R that is drying up."

"I can't let go of the fact that Beaker L, my gay side, makes me feel very unfulfilled. And until I could experience some sort of affirmation or positive experiences from being gay,  I'm finding it very hard to move on in other aspects of my life." 

"I think... It's the severe insecurity of not knowing whether I will be gay and okay that is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm waiting for a closure that's never going to come."

She: [pondering...]

She:

"Okay. Here's my input. I think your stubborn self is so focused entirely on finding a way to 'rectify' the unfulfilled situation of Beaker L that it's taking a toll on the other parts of your life and drowning you to the point of hopelessness."

"I think what we need to do now is take your mind off Beaker L, which is the unfulfilled gay side of yourself, by gradually shifting your focus to Beaker R, that is your motivation in life. In other words, we'll have to tip some of the water from the left beaker (Beaker L) into the right (Beaker R)." 

Me:

"I have no idea how I'm going to do that. Like I said before, my stubborn self  has no will and motivation to do anything to Beaker R when Beaker L is the one I'm so bummed about." 

She:

"We need to find something positive from within Beaker R and start focusing on it. This could literally be anything, ranging from learning a new skill to enjoying some volunteer work. The most important part is that it has to be something 'meaningfully enjoyable' that makes you tick in excitement and positivity while you sulk over Beaker L."

"Once we've made our choice from Beaker R, we wouldn't have any difficulties doing them because the chosen focus happens to be something enjoyably positive and exciting. The mind will never say no to something that brings it pleasure. And when it doesn't, you've successfully tricked your mind into shifting some of the focus from Beaker L into Beaker R, hereby initiating a transfer of fluids."

"Gradually, when the mind starts obsessing less about your unfulfilled gay side and starts to focus more on the chosen positive element, your attention starts to shift whereby the contents of Beaker L gets tipped into Beaker R, causing a change of focal weight and restoring some equilibrium into your life. This also effectively gives you time to reinstate some sense of much needed self-confidence and peace within yourself." 

"And M, I strongly believe that the avenue of fulfilment for your gay side will naturally show itself sooner or later to you. And until it does, you'll just have to keep living. Don't let it spoil your appetite for everything else in life."

I woke up the next morning, feeling as if somebody help untangled a suffocating knot in me and opened up a small window in my heart.

Thinking Too Much?

Today, I stumbled upon a quote that I believe described a common tendency of mine.

"Think too much and you'll create a problem that was not even there in the first place."

Are Relationships Like Business Investments?

A very attractive friend of mine and I were having a discussion over coffee yesterday. She is somebody who is extremely loyal in life, and because of that, she has allowed herself to settle into a 5 year relationship in which she, until this very stage, feels that it still isn't exactly heading towards the promising direction she hoped it would. 

She doesn't want it to end, but neither does she want to go on and end up having to start over again with sentiments of regret at the age of 40 if things don't work out.

Me:

"Listen, if you're telling me all this now, have you thought about what you're going to do for yourself?"

She:

"What do you mean?"

Me:

"I mean... Considering how your instincts are telling you that this might not be what you want, are you going to start being smart about it? 

"Perhaps maybe you should... I don't know. Start opening up to other possibilities?"

She:

"Yeah but I don't want to cheat on him. And this kind of makes me feel like I'm cheating behind his back."

Me:

"Who's talking about cheating?" 
"I'm talking about 'opening up' to other possibilities or prospects without cheating."

She:

"Don't think I can do that while I'm still with him. I can't get over the guilt I have on myself."

"Do you think I'm too conservative as a girl?"

Me: 

"Hmm... Conservative isn't the right word." 

"I've known you for 10 years and in your case, it's your extreme sense of loyalty that is getting in your way. Look, the loyalty you have for him, for all of us, for everybody in your life, is beyond amazing. I for one know that. But I think in this case, you should start being smart about things and not let this noble trait of yours put you on blindfold."

She: [silent]

Me:

"You know, this might sound stupid, but sometimes I like to take human relationships and put them into a business context." 

"Now, I know for a fact that mathematical statistics can never be used to measure love, emotions or feelings. But sometimes, putting it into a business sense might just allow us to assess our situation and see clearly as to what we're really doing."

She: 

"I don't understand."

Me:

"Okay! Think of this relationship, or any other relationship for that matter as a financial investment. You've invested 5 years of yourself into this relationship. As a friend, I can see that you've given a lot of yourself when planning your life around his. Which means, all your money is literally in one pool. A pool in which he calls the shots. Which is, not really in favour of you."

"I think you need to ask yourself: Is this current relationship bringing you more disappointment than it is giving you fulfilment? From what we can see now after 5 years, your investment is still not giving you the promising returns you're hoping it would. The relationship is bringing you more cons that it is giving you pros."

"Logic would then ask us if a smart investor would continue to pour cash into an investment that is not yielding any positive results? Would your 'inner businesswoman' continue to invest in something that until this very day, after 5 years, still yields unhappy returns?" 

"Kinda like gambling too. Why would one continue to bet all their money in a single uncertain pool rather than start casting a wider net in hopes that it'll possibly chance an even better profitable return?" 

"Look I'm no business major, but all I know is that in business, you're always hearing them say or yell: 'Cut the losses, expand the profits!' Yes to profits, no to losses. It's such a straightforward principle, but yet we sometimes wouldn't allow ourselves to see the truth because we keep deluding our minds when emotions are heavily involved." 

"But of course, everything that I've just said here is always easier said than done."

She: [pondering...]

Me:

"Hey uh... " 
"Am I making some sort of sense here? Or did I just unloaded a bunch of inapplicable theories on you? I'm sorry if I did."

She:

"No no! It sounds kinda right and logical." 

"Go on."

Me:

"I mean think about it. You're still young and attractive at your prime."

"Do you really want to wait until you've lost another decade before you're willing to start spreading your bets around? Don't forget that time itself is another resource that is at stake here."

"Remember how we've always mentioned that we live in a world where every man is for himself? I think you really need to start taking care of yourself by knowing what is best for you. Because if you don't, then who else will at the end of the day?"

I can't help but believe that relationships are supposed to bring out the best in both parties. The bond should be symbiotically nurturing to foster mutual gain and unconditional love between two human souls. This inevitably reminds me of another friend who once told me how she ended a relationship because she believed that she deserved better. I now realised how much courage it takes for one to actually walk away from something. But of course, it's always easier said than done when emotions are heavily involved and hearts are intertwined. I wonder what would my relationship be like?

Remembering The Hot Aeronautical Engineer

My raging hormones are on a hot guy reminiscing streak this week and I can't seem to get one more out of my head. About 2 years ago, I was invited to a small dinner party with 4 friends and once again I was the only guy amongst the girls. Until the host announced that a cute Spanish guy will also be joining us. At that point, I wasn't expecting anything because I was distractingly playing with her dog, and I remember thinking to myself: "How cute is cute?" 

Then, the doorbell rang and he came in. Everybody gathered around the kitchen and introduced ourselves. The guy was hot, and oozes fraternity masculinity without a doubt. It took me a while to digest his looks although I didn't understand why. He was handsome, but somehow rather I didn't feel the immediate urge to pull him straight into my mouth, as I do with other hot guys.

D was from Andalucía, just months away from completing his Ph.D in aeronautical engineering. You could feel the effect and aura he has over girls. Everybody was engaged in casual chit-chat until it was time to sit down and eat. The intimidating hot Spanish stud took the seat right next to me. We were so close I could smell him. Throughout the whole night, I couldn't help but observe this guy like a famish hawk. He was worldly, intelligent, athletic, basically every check box a confidently attractive guy could tick.

My eyes caressed him in every way, and as a result, my neck suffered because I had to constantly turn my head to the right to look at him. He looks amazing from the side. Nice eyelashes, dark smouldering look, male model lips, arousing jawline and stubble. Damn, I was so aroused. The radioactive sexual vibe was just burning off him and right into my growing boner. I had to discreetly adjust my pants a couple of times because it was getting uncomfortable. He was so hot. Wait, he wasn't just hot, he was sex itself. Why didn't I feel this when we first shook hands? My primitive instincts were dangerously awakened and sitting right next to him gave me both torture and pleasure. I was sweating from within my own clothes.

The dinner was ending and it was time to leave. He decided to take a slow walk home. I asked if he was crazy because it was February, and it takes 40 minutes to walk all the way downtown in the middle of a freezing night. Apparently he enjoys cool night breezes and suggested that I join him because my flat lies strategically at about a quarter of the route he's taking. I agreed because the inner voice was ecstatic at the thought of being able to spend some time alone with him, guy and guy.

So the girls hopped into a taxi while I accompanied him on foot. We were walking through a heavily deserted park, and although I didn't know what to expect from this hot straight stud, but I casually brushed my right arm against his. I felt high, while there was no reaction from him as he continued talking. Maybe it's the alcohol or the breeze, but all I could think of was to taste those lips with my mouth and exchange nasal hot breaths in the middle of a cold winter's night. I want nothing more than to push him towards the dimly lit lamppost near the bush and please him with a blowjob. Then I will take him home and continue the love-making till the next morning.

My desires drove me to a point where I almost gave in to asking him directly if he fooled around with guys or if he was willing to give me his number. But the thought of severely embarrassing myself in front of a straight dude prevented me from acting out on my indecent urges. When we finally arrived at my building, we shook hands, bid each other goodbye and I never saw or heard of him again. Even though I was hoping very much that the opposite might happen. That he would have accepted my invitation to stay the night in my room. Until this very day, I still fantasise about passionate sex with him all the time.

When a Straight Crush Makes a Gay Announcement

About 2 weeks ago, I saw an unexpected status on my Facebook news feed. It concerns A, the senior I had a major crush on during my first year at university. Even though it's been 2 years, but until this very day, I couldn't quite fathom my attraction for him. A was the star student of his year, and a highly revered creative thinker in his class. Tall, stylish, brown hair, attractive jaw, nice facial features and a competent mind.

I remember how much I idolised him when he first came into my vision through a transparent window of a door. The first time we talked was when I approached him at his table for some academic input, obviously not without first complimenting the amazing drawing that was on his desk. Unexpectedly after a couple of exchanges, he walked me to another part of the building and showed me his work from the last semester that was still proudly on display. I relished not so much on his work, but rather the private moment we were sharing in the room.

The term finally started and every student within the faculty has their own working space, separated in areas known as bays. My bay happened to be the one behind his and I deliberately chose the table where I could have a good view of him. From then on, I took every excuse to go talk to him. Even if it's just to shoot the breeze or "borrow some of his working tools". After a while, it started occurring to me that he was impervious to my presence and I was gradually becoming a stalker.

My infatuation with him grew enormously, and for the next couple of months, it was driving me crazy on the inside. I've already plunged into denial about being gay, but yet I knew I felt strong emotions for this guy. He makes me nervous and he makes my heart torque in an exciting way. Once, I remember being completely lost in a gaze looking at him, until his eyes caught me staring surreptitiously and asked: "What?". I was startled! "Nothing" I replied and snapped myself out of it in embarrassment.

I constantly made out and indulged in a lot of things with him in my head. How I had to control myself from revealing any lascivious thoughts, such as wanting to kiss those male model scarlet lips, nip his earlobes, suck on his smooth scented neck and pleasure him for real with my mouth while I run my fingers all over his hair. Although he has a girlfriend, but my instincts kept telling me that there was a possibility that he could pass off as someone who wasn't a hundred percent completely straight.

One rainy day, he walked in with a stylish umbrella in hand, wearing a black trench coat while his other hand kept adjusting his dripping wet tousled brown hair. It was an attractive sight and I thought to myself: "Hey A, what's up? You look so... wet. Deliciously wet.". I couldn't stop smirking at my own pathetic silliness and pictured a shower with him, even though my eyes were on my blank desk.

By mid-semester, I was silently depressed and found it a bit hard to concentrate on my studies. There were days where I would cry by myself because I felt so hurt and confused. I couldn't tell anyone about this consuming crush I had towards a guy, but yet I kept it all inside and it was killing me day by day. It came to a point whereby my emotions were too much and I could no longer handle the physical sight of him. In order to avoid everything that was happening, I decided to stay off campus and work from home.

My plan was successful but only for a few weeks before I happened to be at the faculty one day for a presentation, and he came through the doors wearing a dashing shirt that made him looked even more irresistible. I felt my heart lunged forward and dropped 10 stories back into depression. It hurt, although I couldn't understand why it did. I just felt so hot and lost for him.

Then a classmate of mine hosted a dinner party one night and A was invited. While I was helping out with the dessert, he approached me and leaned over the kitchen counter. We shared a moment of eye-contact and it felt great that he came to acknowledge me. I could feel his arousing vibe and smell his breath throughout our casual conversational exchange. God, it was his scent and it was intoxicating. It wasn't until he finally graduated and moved away that I managed to completely bury my crush for him. Though it took a couple of months.

The year is now 2013 and his newest announcement seemed more likely to be a coming-out statement than a lousy joke. It urged people not to talk to him any more if they weren't okay with him liking men. Damn, I hate coming-out statuses on Facebook because you never know if you can officially take the person seriously. But still, I couldn't believe my eyes. I had to stop myself from replaying all that I've felt for him throughout university, along with the possibility of us finally getting into each other's pants, sharing an apartment with a couple's bed, in my head.

Although I can't seem to figure out if he's teasing or being serious in his homosexual confession, but I'm realistic enough to know that even if he's open to relationships with men, I don't think I'll ever stand a chance of being considered because he's just way above my league in every department. We come from completely different worlds.

Opening Up To Reader's Experience And Stories

I've been thinking lately about how this white space of mine could be used as a better resource to benefit others, in gay and in life. Therefore, I've decided to add a Reader's Experience & Stories option at the side bar. 

If you have a story, an experience or a problem that you think might help others who could relate to the tone of this journal, please feel free to write in. I will try my best to publish them only with the sender's permission. The Privacy Policy (refer to side bar) of this site automatically applies to every sender, unless specifically requested otherwise.

This option is also open to followers, non-gays, passers-by, or those who might not necessarily have their own writing space, but are open to sharing certain emotions and experiences. Don't worry about being shy because you'll never know if your story or writing could really help someone else reading this from another part of the world, wherever they are.

Send in your writing to: [ gninvisible@gmail.com ]

Is The Grass Always Greener 'From' The Other Side?

I came across a scene from a gay movie where two gay guys were sharing a conversation in an outdoor jacuzzi. One was a complete hot stud who was living the dream gay life of sleeping around promiscuously, while the other was a simple average looking twink who believed strongly in monogamous relationships.

They were talking about insecurities and the twink told the hot guy that he felt really insecure because he didn't look like him. In which the hot stud replied: "Hey, we've all got shit that we're insecure about."

Twink:

"What do you have to be insecure about?"

Hot Stud:

"I'm insecure that I spend so much time getting laid that I pass up on a good opportunity when something meaningful comes my way. I'm insecure that I can't commit to a relationship ever, and when I finally do, most of the sex for me gets boring and I won't have enough to offer."

The two characters from that particular scene, were the exact representation of what I've been trying to figure out ever since I started learning more about gay life. That amongst us, there are the extreme hot guys whom are physically blessed, and the guys whom might not be as physically innately privileged as the former.

It depicts many questions that I ponder incessantly about where I stand, such as the journey and fate of the hotter guy in comparison to the average dude, the respectability of monogamy versus the liberal excitement of promiscuity.

For the past year, a handful of my posts were mostly very worked up because... I guess I was still kind of in a period of shock trying to digest the truth in my life. Crestfallen, that my fear of being gay eventually turned out to be real, and I have to courageously take it all in.

As a gay novice, I don't have a concrete clue as to what I'm supposed to want out of this gay life. I thought about having someone, giving monogamy or an open-relationship a try. But theoretical ideas could also end or turn out in so many other ways. I thought about sleeping around for the experience, but realised I'm probably not in the position, or equipped with the right physical goods to do so. Which one comes first, or rather which route guarantees contentment that is the easy way out?

I then recently read the entire archives of Butterflies and Hurricanes, whom in his blog, documented the earlier decade of his life as a monogamous loyal boyfriend, and also later in his life, as a promiscuous hot guy who enjoys having fun sleeping around. Reading his story gave me an epiphany, one which was equivalent to when I first discovered The Gay Banker's blog.

The whole thing made me realised that my naive idea of an easy way out, or "guaranteed contentment", does not exist. Because there's always two sides to a coin in life, whereby the pros and cons that are present in one approach, are completely different or perhaps absent from the other. Just like the hot stud from the movie, it seems like when Jackdaw of Butterflies and Hurricanes is having a whale of a time sleeping around, he misses and yearns for the sentimental things that come from being in a monogamous relationship as well.

This makes me wonder, do we always perceive the grass to be greener from the other side? Do we always want what we don't have, or do we always just want it all? 

UPDATED: 10th January 2013
Here's an interestingly helpful input from TwoLives, extracted from the comments section of this post.

Although this is not what I did, I think it's smarter to be slutty than monogamous when you're young - provided that you're extremely strict about safety.

Pop culture bombards us with stories about young love and living happily ever. That causes many of us strive for a perfect relationship early in life. The reality, however, is that people are complicated and enduring relationships require a lot of work and compromise. Even if you think you're up to the task, that doesn't mean the guy you want to be with is.

On the other hand, a little craziness in your 20s followed by a "settling down" phase afterward strikes a good balance. By intimately interacting with a variety of others you learn a lot about yourself and you learn how to handle potential partners. You build a relationship skill set, even if you're not in a full-time, serious relationship.

Many men who commit to a monogamous relationship early in life get very restless as they age. One of the biggest causes of mid-life crises is the desire to live as the crazy young person one never got to be.

About sex...unless a young guy is VERY unattractive, he should never worry about being desired. Within the gay community especially, youth eclipses all other imperfections. While it's true that an average looking 22 year old might never have the chance to have sex with the hottest guy his own age, there are plenty of 28, 32, 36, etc, etc, year old guys who are very attractive who would gladly spend a night with a younger guy. So, don't count yourself out, no matter what you imagine your short-comings to be. Also - "gettin' good at sex" is like anything else: the more you practice, the better you get.

A Closer Look At Deciphering My Jerk-Offs

I've recently been paying attention to my own personal jerk-off sessions and thought I might jot down some interesting thoughts that have never before crossed my conscious mind. This certainly brings back memories of the severe sexual frustration about 6 months ago. Masturbation is a natural human behaviour no stranger to anyone. Usually administered to induce a sense of relief and pleasure for the body, and whenever I do, I usually have a chosen target in mind.

For example when I did it for a couple of times last week, the sexual fantasies that were on my mind were specific male models, actors or virile men with particular physical attributes that I find arousing. I would name this "Group A" and jerk-off sessions with them were usually great, satisfactory in fact.

However, when I indulged myself on several other horny occasions such as yesterday evening, my targets distinctly belonged to a category of guys that I've met in real life and could fall crazily in love with. They are individuals I've harboured profound crushes on and developed irrational feelings for that I've come to regard as "Group B", such as him, him or him. During instances like these, "Group A" just wouldn't work for me at all.

Within jerk-off sessions concerning the latter group, I focus primarily if not entirely on just the interaction and chemistry rather than the imaginative full-blown main course itself. I imagine lying and being intimate with them all day, smelling them, embracing them, touching their skin, caressing their stubbles, sucking their lower lip and making out with them forever. Those thoughts were enough to float me into satisfactory euphoria, a state of fulfilment I don't normally find during the resolution phase after masturbating to "Group A". 

Being the observant person that I am, I started analysing this behaviour of mine and the differing emotional outcomes the latter group gave over the other. I finally realised that sometimes, plain jerking-off to "Group A" just wouldn't cut it. I seem to rely exclusively on "Group B" whenever I'm flooded with this intense feel of absolute longing I have no idea how to explain. This, longing for warmth in my heart, longing for attentive affection, longing to feel less alone. Longing for a certain love and romance that was never present throughout my life to fill me up a little bit. And the guys that came into contact with my life in "Group B", certainly reminded me very much of those overwhelming emotions they excavate out of me.

Once again, I am fully aware of how personal and foolish this post will make me, but I'm just being honest in documenting an experience from my shoes. I once read that gay men in general are capable of sequestering their indulgence in sexual pleasures away from their search for love and emotional attachment. I have yet to figure this part out and certainly can't wait to see how things will turn out at my end.