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Sunday, 26 August 2012

Why Am I Spending So Much Time Writing This?

Ever had that moment where you attended a party or gathering, and came home to a much quieter environment reflecting about your own life? As you step into the living room and soak up the silent space in view, your mind takes a deep sigh as the reality of your life, all that you are, all that you've been and all that you're feeling, gradually catches up to you.

Today I experienced one of these moments and I don't know if it's because you mingle with people at parties that you worry for yourself, or because of the drastic shift in environmental context, going from public to a personal one that I questioned: What's gonna happen to me? What am I doing with my life?

The Inner Voice: [interjects]
"What are you doing with your life? Please. You know very well what you're doing with your life. You now live partially in a blog, that's what you're doing. Don't believe me? Look where you are right now. You spend a ridiculous amount of time hiding behind this page, writing and pouring your hearts out when you're supposed to go face the real world and live your life."

Yeah. I've grown to feel so comfortable here. Is that so bad? After all that I went through and am going through, don't I deserve some neutral plane to take shelter? I should cut myself some slack. 

This blog is going to form a chapter of my life, not overtake it. The thing is I have so much to say, so much to regurgitate, so much to let go and this blog has become my emotional sponge. It does provide a partial absorption to all my sadness, my frustration, my fear, my disappointments, my fragile thoughts and my overwhelming emotions. Every time after publishing a post, I feel so much lighter, an enormous sense of relief. Because I could finally let a part of the tormented thoughts and questions that were exploding inside of me go.

In trying to reassure myself the worthiness of why I write, I have decided too that this blog, should also be of service to others. When you transform whatever it is that you're doing for yourself into servicing others, fulfilment and purpose is more likely to come because it's no longer just about you, but about helping others along the way. In documenting the journey of discovery and the quest for answers, you help others gain insight into their own lives.

The Inner Voice: [interjects]
"Well are you aware of how openly transparent you publicly share some of your feelings? Where's the sense of decency? Did we not have this conversation about embarrassing yourself? Past experiences didn't teach you enough huh?"

Well, I can't lie about my true emotions because they're already being concealed in real life and it's eating me up from the inside. So what's the point of writing this blog if I can't be honest and truthful about my tormented feelings? Plus, I started out writing for myself, never forget that.

There are many gay blogs out there, adventurous ones, exciting ones, attractive ones, intelligent ones... Written by hot guys, successful professionals and magna cum laude(s) who make so much more sense, and who are indeed living and tasting the enviable aspects of a sweet gay life. It would be so fun if I was that and could write a blog like that too.

But you know what they say? It's so important to just stay true to yourself and write what you know. So, what do I know? I know that in discovering myself, the journey has been an unpredictably frustrating one. Nobody told me that being me and being gay was going to be this tough. I know the deep amount of courage one needs, to be honest. I know how hard it is to grow up. I know how to feel and question life as necessary.

Therefore, hopefully in writing what I know, future "Gay and Invisible(rs)" who find themselves sipping from my straw, would already have access to some pat-in-the-back comfort, consolation and answers on this blog.

1 comment:

  1. Dear M,
    I have a complete idea what you must have been thinking as you are writing this. People write about beauty, sweetness and happiness in life. However the reality is not always bed of roses. When I first read your blog and about your sexual and emotional experience in your date. I could exactly feel the emotions that you live during those dates. You have been honest about almost everything that happens there. Sharing your experiences is definitely helping people like you and people like me to understand and nurture ourselves with acceptance and self love. Trust me I do feel somewhat similar like you. Therefore I had also begun writing blogs (