Ever since I started writing my thoughts here, I've known for a while that I am a walking mess. Rather than progressing forward to enjoying gay life sooner or looking for a boyfriend, I let myself get into a situation whereby more time is now needed to be spent on rebuilding myself. So kids, recognise my mistake now and steer yourself accordingly.
A recent discussion with two of my friends went like this:
They:
"At the moment, you're a guy repellent. You're not ready for a relationship. Nobody is going to find you attractive for now because you can't accept yourself."
[My subconscious]
Ah-hah! There it is. Told you so!
How does it feel having to hear it from them?
Me: [sigh]
"Yeah... I've known that for a while."
They:
"Look, even if you found someone... Like that 'dream hot guy' you've always wanted. And he happens to love you, you're still going to feel so hollow and empty on the inside because you don't love yourself."
"And the guy can only love you so much, in a capacity that he knows how. But there's still going to be that void inside you because you can't accept yourself. Your life is going to be based on another person because you have nothing worthy going on in you. And in the end, you'll be living his life."
"Then gradually, you're going to start questioning how you're not good enough for him and how you don't deserve his love."
Me: [long silence]
They:
"So... Accept yourself..."
As I hear the last sentence, I found myself in complete silence because. Because... I don't know. Is it disappointment?
You have very wise friends! I'd definitely heed their advice, and time is obviously a factor; coming to accept and enjoy who you are can be a long journey, but know where you want to be and eventually you can get there. As you say you may have to "rebuild" yourself, but it will all be worth it when you can look back and know you got through these times and were better for it.
ReplyDeleteI've really enjoyed reading your blog by the way. I kinda feel I'm massively underqualified to comment (your posts are incredibly interesting and well-written), but I really hope things do get better for you :)
Rylan
Dear Rylan,
DeleteWhat a surprise and thank you so much for the nice comment! It made my day (really, it did). I posted a reply on your blog, please stay in touch.
By the way, you're way ahead of me in terms of living a fulfilling life. So please, if there's anyone here who should feel "underqualified", it's probably me. :)