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Monday, 13 August 2012

How Do I Convince My Tormented Self To Let Things Go?

I've recently been in touch with a nice guy who reads this blog and we've been exchanging heartfelt emails for a while. Thought I'd share a few extracts of what he has to say in his email to me because it's important in the progression of my journey.

His Email:
Reading your entries are great for me but obviously not so great for you and it breaks my heart to think that you are stuck in this maze of torment over something that should be the happiest time of your life. So there is just one thing to do, and that is what are you going to do about it? 

Unfortunately being gay is a burden at least in the beginning when admitting it to yourself, but it will get better if you make a conscious effort to steer your experience in the direction you want to be. So my advice to you (and you may think me a fool) is to stop worrying about being gay for now and focus your energy on yourself as a person and dealing with the negativity issues that don’t concern that part of your life, to be the best person you can be. At the same time set a goal/vision for yourself that aim towards your gay life and where do you see yourself in let’s say a year from now? What positive attributes and traits do you wish to expand on? This would be a very pro active start.

Attractiveness overall definitely comes from within. I too am very turned on by beautiful men, but it’s an instant gratification thing which in the long run means nothing. I've felt for a couple of guys some were pretty (models) and some were not. The guy I lost my heart to was not classically beautiful but he was the most amazing man I’ve ever met, he was so intoxicating I hung to every single word he uttered. 

So being the best version of yourself will bring your beauty to front and there is no perfection, only in imperfection, it’s a natural law and you are bigger than the sum of your parts. Maybe you should write one positive thing for every negative thing you focus on. Negative things are unavoidable and part of life, but it does skew one's mindset and warp the way you view yourself. 
[  End  ]

He's right. I need to shift all of my energy and focus it to developing myself into the person I want to be, rather than letting this gay thing drown me. And deep down, I've actually known for a while as to what he's talking about, and what I'm supposed to do, even before he actually put it all into words for my eyes to register it into my head. I sent him an email telling him how he's making a lot of sense. That his advice is so simple and straightforward but yet, so hard to follow because I can't, no wait, refuse to let go.

I am not focus, which is also another problem. I am very distracted, adrift in my own negativity because I am lost and I can't seem to find something concretely positive to look forward to. I'm at a moment where I came to realise so many things about myself and how the remaining portion of my journey in life is going to be taking a different turn from now on. All because of an additional burden to consider, and that is, I'm an insecure guy who is sexually attracted to guys. Adding that to my already seemingly imperfect baggage, it's just a lot to take in.

A person doesn't dwell in negativity for kicks. It exists for a reason. Negativity arises due to the lack of light, the loss of motivation and the absence of something to strive or look forward to. I am indeed crestfallen at my situation because I don't seem to be getting anywhere close to being on track and working towards the fulfilling gay life I want. I'm not even close to encountering any positive gay experiences to help broaden some perspectives or lift my hopes, I don't know... 

I got to thinking the other day that maybe I would be a happier person, if I would just for once stop tormenting myself and let it go. I questioned my subconscious out of frustration: 

"Do you wanna know why you're so goddamn unhappy? It's because you are actually a shallow insecure person in hiding. There. I just admitted it. You revel so much in focusing on the wrong things and allow them to drown you rather than channelling that energy to nurse your inner self."

"If only you would stop being so insecure. If only you would stop allowing your sexuality to affect the way you function. If only you would stop thinking that being gay is so hard in this world. If only you would stop sweating the shallow gay stuff like physical insecurity and hot guys. If only you would stop letting the superficial stuff get into you."

"Maybe, just maybe you might actually be happier, less negative and more at peace. Maybe you might just 'let go'. You are your own problem."

Which reminds me of a saying I came across a few days ago:
"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Is this what it is?


  1. Oh Sweetheart!
    I would tell you the exact same thing, but I'm afraid you might not listen: Focus on other aspects of your life for a while. Being gay is just a part of you. If you grow as a person and let the confidence build up on the bases of other sides of you, eventually you'll get comfortable with your whole self.
    I don't believe you are as fragile as you let see. I don't think you're hurt or damaged. You just need to focus on nicer things, you already know which they are so go for it. Don't stay in the(mentally)miserable place.
    Some time ago, while I was going through some hard times, I stuck in my head the phrase "I want to write something beautiful" and eventually I wrote exactly that. It was short, it was ephemeral but I proved to myself that I could. You should try it.
    You need to get yourself to a happy place, even for a little moment.
    Wish you well.

  2. Hey there, you stuck around. And thank you so much for the encouraging comment, as always.
    Take care.

  3. reading your blog is like reading my journal.

    I know exactly where you're coming from, this idea that everything is pointless. I'll let you know when I figure it out.