I was doing some research on the names and credibility of several successful people from high profile companies and I got to thinking: How? What does it take? Not everyone gets the chance to taste success, and I of all people know that very well. I took a good look at myself and started weighing the odds. I've always known that somewhere deep down in my heart, I was meant to achieve something more substantial, beyond the ordinary. But at an age where I can't even seem to stand straight, I just don't know if I could trust that feeling or if I'm truly made for it. I don't even know if I'm ever going to be okay in life.
As an inbetweener in all things, I was never the most intelligent or the most creative, neither was I the most prestigious or the most acknowledged, the best performing or the most competent. In fact, I was always just average and very determined. Determination and perseverance was what drove me in life. It worked, but it's never enough. It's a long shot to being great, but how am I going to turn what I am, what I want, all that I've been and all that I have into something successful?
If there is one thing I'm truly afraid of now, is to continue being this person, in this body and still not make it in life. As I reflected on how my journey has played out, of how I couldn't accept myself and all that my past entails, I am spurred with a new-found motivation to change my story and all that I am about. I'm tired of being the same. I want the promising future to erase all of the painful inadequacies that I've felt in the past, and to give myself some form of new found contentment or achievement, I don't know...
While figuring out if I'll ever get the chance to rise and achieve success at that respectable level, I couldn't help but wonder if pure substance (what we're made off) is what determines the course of life and fate of a person, or is there really some other secret element at play?
Then I remembered a conversation I had recently with a friend about opportunities.
Me:
"Wow, so X and Y got accepted into Institution A huh?"
"I'm not surprised, considering how they're top performers and are very tenacious about this career choice. They really got what they deserve."
She:
"Yeah, but J was somehow rejected by both Institution A and Institution B (prestigious top two), but was accepted into Institution W (prestigious third)."
Me:
"What? How can that be!"
"It's J! I've always considered him to be a star on a podium of its own. One that is brighter than the other two stars, X and Y."
She:
"I don't know what happened... But he was very disappointed that he didn't get into Institution A."
"In fact he was kinda jealous when X and Y got accepted." (chuckles)
Me:
"Aaw really? Well it actually doesn't matter because I think he'll make it big regardless of whichever school he goes to. Everybody knows that."
"He really is a person of substance and I just feel that if you are truly blessed with such innate talent, it will not go unnoticed."
She:
"You know, I truly envy J because of all the endless opportunities that just seem to turn up for him in life."
Me:
"What do you mean opportunities? How so?"
She:
"Recently by coincidence, he met a business couple who was completely blown away by his work."
"They wanted him immediately. They gave him a huge opportunity and got him on board a design project they were working on. He's now heavily involved in the development."
Me: [speechless]
"Wow..."
She:
"Yeah! He really will go far because of his luck."
"And I personally think that he doesn't even need the reputation of Institution A or B on his academic qualifications to help define his innate star quality."
Me:
"Oh in a class of its own, that's true."
"I've always felt that J has a certain star quality in him that both X and Y just never seems to exude, Institution A or not."
She:
"Well I don't know if I'll go, but think I'll give Institution A a try next year by sending in my application."
"You know, just to see if I can get in. Then we'll take it from there."
Me:
"Wow, you are? That's good."
"But wait, aren't you afraid of how you're gonna go up against the legions of overwhelming talent again?"
"I mean we went through that together last year and it was exhausting..."
She:
"Initially yes!"
"But now after working, I realised that it's actually not so much of what you are made of but what comes your way."
"You don't have to be the best to succeed, you just need the right opportunities to come."
How true! Instantaneously, I realised that opportunities are what tips the turns and experiences in your life more than anything else. The difference can sometimes be life changing. It's all about the timing and the decisions we make, the readiness to receive what's to come and the luck to catch the right fate. Without the aforementioned opportunities, I wouldn't have seen what I've seen, did what I did, experienced what I've experienced and be the lucky person that I am today (yes yes, I'll admit to some good things). Therefore, as a late-developing inbetweener who yearns to achieve success and also as a tenacious asker of life's questions, is this what it all boils down to? Opportunities? Something beyond our control? Opportunities to meet someone, opportunities to go somewhere, opportunities to do something? I don't know! Life is so unpredictable and this is what scares the shit out of me. Not knowing what or how things are going to turn out.
However, one thing's for sure. If I'm fated to never get out of being this average unhappy person, then I might as well, with the belief and help of opportunities, try and make a success out of myself (career wise and also in terms of living life as a soulfully rich person). 10 years from now, do I still want to be Gay & Invisible or Gay & Invisible But Successful? There is a choice to make and either I've just convinced myself with this post, or wasted another day spilling my hearts out on this space I have come to regard as my comfort zone because I have no where else to turn.
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