Quietly Crushing on My Director

There is an unpublished entry sitting on my dashboard that was casually drafted about a month ago. It talks about my magnetic feelings of admiration and reverence for one of my bosses in his early thirties that is slowly turning into a crush. What's new right?

I decided against releasing it because firstly I thought: "Okay, how many more of these unrequited crushes can I have?" Like that senior from university, the dream guy from Québec, or my high school class president. And secondly, I didn't want to write about something that might pass and become insignificant in due time. 

So the brief story regarding my boss is that he and I share the same Myers-Brigg Type Indicator (MBTI). What are the odds considering my type is hypothesised to exist in only 1% of the world's population? My admiration for him started when he first interviewed me for my current position and I left the office a couple of hours later, thinking that I've never connected with an interviewer like this before.

My heightened interest in him grew exponentially as I got better acquainted with the great personality and oceanic mind he possesses. I can't help but wonder if our types are psychically drawn to each other. I have a very strong feeling that he likes me too, but not that way because he is straight, a firm Christian and has a girlfriend. Damn, they always are!

Physically, he is not what I've ever envisioned myself to want as a boyfriend. But by being him, he makes my heart flutter in nervousness whenever I'm around him. He is very smart, nice-looking, popular, confident and sensibly mature.

Whenever he and I have conversations, I find myself learning a lot from his leadership. And staring at his lips and stubble! If we were two souls who are not bounded by the limits of gender, universal order or whatever, I think there might be great potential for genuine attachment and romantic regard to happen. 

My fantasies of him so far are mostly never outright sexual. It revolves a lot around us being in the presence of one another, going out to dinner, cuddling up together, or even driving up to a secluded scenic hilltop where we would kiss for the first time.

Throughout the initial weeks, I used to love talking to him. Then came a point where people started getting suspicious of my behaviour because I might have gone a little too far with my loquacity without realising. But then again, colleagues from the current office are of the petty, immature type, and you really can't let that kind of narrow-mindedness win.

At the expense of wanting to protect me, I slowly distance myself from him to let things die down and deter suspicion. This went on for a while and gradually, the crush I had for him slowly dissipated, but came back after a few weeks when I needed to work directly with him again.

There are times like today, where a discussion with him would engender an ultimate feeling of inferiority and inadequacy about myself. I am intimidated by his success and at the same time, emotionally affected by this little crush I'm having. Can he see right through me? Does he think I have what it takes to be as successful as him? Does he think I'm naive or unintelligent? Mercurial?

Anyway, it's already the eleventh paragraph as opposed to the original five I've allowed myself. So I'm just gonna put a cap on my tangential emotions and try to go to bed.