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Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Mail: The Tormented Guy Who Feels Left Out

On a restless afternoon at work, I received the following letter in my mailbox.

His Email:
Greetings! I've felt the pangs of horniness and loneliness more acutely today than usual, for a slew of reasons, and in my despondency, I decided to seek some comfort. Some consolation. Commiseration. So, I typed in 'gay sexual frustration blog,' and yours was the first to come up. 

Being a queer is tough. In our hypersexualised mainstream culture, the subculture of gay men seems even more so astonishing in its marked eroticism. Twinks and bears, married men meeting in parks on the dl, polyamorous relationships, etc, etc, etc. So often, it seems as if cum is the cornerstone of our community.  

I'm a bit relieved, but also a bit jealous, that this blog came up. As of late, I've been considering starting a blog, and given how severe my love-sickness can be, and how impactful my sexual frustration can be, I was considering starting some kind of blog, similar to PostSecret. Something where, specifically, gay men, can come together to talk about their own feelings of sexual frustration.

After skimming your blog (I intend to read it more thoroughly after completing this email), I feel as if I can relate to a number of points and emotions. Just to give a VERY condensed biography (with an emphasis on sex and sexuality), I began the process of coming out after high school graduation to a few trusted friends, and came out to broader members of my family and on my college campus in my senior year, at the age of 21. I was very religious most of high school, and was a complete virgin at the time of coming out, having wrangled with years of guilt and a thorough subscription to Catholic virtues, with all its concomitant repression.  

I received my first blowjob the next year, drunkenly, from a gay friend (who, in retrospect, was a frenemy, and ultimately detrimental to my well-being, but who I often associated with because I found him utterly beautiful) who made it very clear it was an act of charity and pity. Indeed, it never happened again from him. A spate of somewhat embarrassing and unfulfilling sexual experiences followed, and here I am, at the age of 26, still an "anal virgin." If judging off heteronormative standards, where loss of virginity is equated with penetration, one could label me a virgin, in that sense.  

Romance is coldly omitted, given the fact that I've never had a relationship. Having lived in small towns, for the most part, the overwhelming majority of my dalliances have occurred with married men, largely met on Craigslist, which casts yet another pall of anxiety and remorse over my sexual life. I've had sex a few times, but I've never come CLOSE to making love. The story of my romantic life has been a series of unrequited affections, one-time dates, and a few 'dates' that later turned out not to be dates at all. In short, I have been perpetually love-sick, resulting in a needling malnourishment of the soul.

Too often, this state of affairs casts me into a severe depression, and I'm sure has propelled me more than once into seeking the bottle as a source of readily available comfort. One need not feel alienated and bitterly lonely when Mr. Jose Cuervo is by your side.

But I digress... I feel as if no matter how I measure it, I'm at the 'bottom of the barrel.' Sex is something I've never felt comfortable discussing with friends, largely, of course, because it was generally absent in my life. Even so, after having had a few sexual experiences, I decline to discuss such matters, due to the sheer lack of fulfillment I felt after these experiences took place. It's an issue which has caused me immense mental and emotional distress. Often, when hearing about the sexual escapades of others (or, in fact, when HEARING them, as the case was when living with promiscuous roommates), I fly into a jealous rage, feeling embittered in my own frustration, before sliding into a sedated depression. I often get the sense that everyone's sexual life far outpaces mine, in both quantity AND quality. And as for romantic life, it's no contest, seeing how mine's thus far been stillborn.

I apologize for this corpulent message, but after reading a bit of your blog, I get the impression that I'm not the only one who feels as tormented by his thoughts and experiences when it comes to this matter. Again, I hope to delve into more of your posts as time goes on, but for the meantime, felt compelled to message you immediately.

I hope you're able to respond as time allows, and hope I may hear from you soon; additionally, I look forward to any future posts on the blog. Cheers!

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My Reply to Him:
Thank you so much for your wonderful letter. It always feels nice and emotionally reassuring to receive something so thoughtful in the middle of the day. It was so beautifully expressed, and so accurately put into words that I am speechless as to how much I can relate to the frustration, emotions and depressing thoughts you go through.

What was even more heartfelt behind it all, was your deep sense of hope pertaining to the unpleasant journey we go through as gay guys. The homosexuality, the gay sex, the love-sickness, the feelings of solitude, and the search for romance that just seem to effortlessly show up in the arms of others.

That jealousy and envy you express so vividly when other people find love or incredible sex, I would be lying if I said I was immune to it all. In fact, the scenario of watching other people fall in love and have good sex is slowly starting to make me believe that this might just be, for lack of a better word, an "unfair" reality of life I am meant to live through. That in many ways, I am not good enough or worth a certain minimal requirement.

I try very hard sometimes not to go into self-destructive waters with that kind of thought, but I'm human and there is only so much I can withstand. Often times I might seem okay on the outside, and act like it doesn't bother me at all that I am gay, on my own, and struggling to find my way. But deep down, I really don't know if I should genuinely be upset over screwing my own head to find out what's wrong, or just accept things as they are. I have yet to figure that part out.

Anyway, I genuinely think your letter to me has expressed another part of my emotions that I could never courageously put into words. If I'm not mistaken, many other guys go through the exact same thing behind closed doors or in their own silence. 

This online journal of mine was created as a cathartic outlet for me to document a process I've been going through since a personal downfall that was triggered back in 2011. You are a very talented writer in your own right my friend. So trust me when I say you don't have to be jealous of anything, because I believe that someone like you would go on to create something even more valuable to a larger part of society. In your own time, in your own creative space, and in your own destiny. That would be my instinctual reassurance to you.

Keep in touch, and thank you so much for having shared a part of your story.

All the love and support in the world, M

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