Are You Out to Get Before You Can Give?

I remember reading a sentence somewhere about why people with a certain kind of mindset and character would fail in business, in life or in any other endeavours that they pursue, and it read:

Because the universe will never reward those who are out to get, before they can give.

As soon as I registered the powerful sentence in my head, I realised how true it was. On the other hand, this theory floated to mind as I was spending the entire weekend tweaking my online cruising profile because it just wasn't yielding the positive results I wanted in the guy department. 

As I look through other profiles in the spirit of wanting to do some research, I noticed how they most often tend to be crafted in a way that suggests what the guy behind it should be getting before they are even willing to give. 

A few good basic examples of this practice would be expecting an inexperienced guy to indulge in full Sadomasochism without first offering vanilla, giving an extensive list of which ethnicity gets priority in meeting the picture-less profile, requesting for face pictures without wanting to show theirs, or getting one party to reveal more about themselves without wanting to share theirs. 

Christ. Sometimes, I do think that I might be foolish for thinking that I am first and foremost, a civilised human being and a gentlemen before a homosexual, and that the universe will never reward those who are out to get, before they can give.

However, in the cruising and dating world of the gay fraternity where the entire social system thrives heavily on selfishness and on the survival of the hottest, I can't help but wonder if I really am the bigger fool for bringing it up, or even contemplating the relevance of this theory in the context that I've just mentioned.

The Youthful Boy or the Older Hot Guy?

I was watching an episode of Queer As Folk (US) and there was a scene in which the character Justin, a cute 17 year old high school boy, was trying to get the attention of the guy he loves, 29 year old Brian Kinney at a popular gay club. 

A hot sex machine who can get any guy he wants, Brian is what every gay man dreams to be and dreams to have. Known for his looks, his body, his confidence and everything else that he is, he adores the single life and refuses to acknowledge young Justin's love for him.

Brian was dancing with 2 other hot guys on the floor in which he plans to go home with. Then Justin in frustration of being invisible, took off his shirt and immersed himself in the music within close proximity to Brian's partners to entice them.

Within seconds, the hotter guys noticed a younger Justin and began turning their attention towards him, completely disregarding a now seemingly "older" Brian. The reality of that scene is that Justin was a youthfully coveted boy in a sea of hotter gay men who wants him.

Brian in light of not wanting to be seen as the older hot guy who was ditched, decided to dance his way into having Justin all to himself. As they embraced, Justin smiled with pride as he went from being invisible to getting what he wanted. I couldn't get over how brilliant that scene was.

As somebody who still struggles with self-image, that episode reminded me of my silly plan of wanting to take absolute care of myself in my twenties in order to maintain my youth. This would enable me to stay attractive and stand out in a youth-obsessed crowd when everybody else who was hot at my age will start to face the reality of growing old as I'm awarded the hotter-as-you-get-older card. 

Even though the odds of me achieving is probably infinitesimally small, but you can't blame a guy for giving wishful thinking an imaginative try.

"Son, The Answer Lies Entirely In Your Hands"

A learned old man was highly respected by the simple village folks for his wisdom and timely counsel. All but one cynical young man, who wanted to outwit him in front of the villagers...

Cynical Young Man: [thought]
Here's a trick to prove the old man wrong! I will ask him to predict if this little bird in my hand is dead or alive... If he says it's dead, I will set it free and if he says, it's alive, I will crush it to death...

Cynical Young Man:
"Oh, learned one! Can you tell me if the little bird in my hand is alive or dead?"

The wise man saw through the youngster's trick and replied...

Wise Man:
"Son, the answer lies entirely in your hands!"

Copyrighted story is found in a book by Insight Publishers.

Discovering a New Pattern With My Sex Drive

For the past few weeks, I have been "sorting myself out" more often than usual. Probably about once every 2 -3 hours in a day, sometimes twice within a span of 30 minutes. I can dare say for the past month, I've developed the urge to please myself at least more than 4 times a day at minimum. Congratulations, you're well on your way to sexual addiction, says the voice from the back of my head.

I don't know what brought on this sudden high libido or what is actually responsible for the extreme fluctuation of my sex drive, but it amazes me at contemplative moments like these as to how I've managed to come up with vast visual targets to cater for every single session.

I previously did an analysis on my jerk-off patterns and how I tend to select guys that fall into different categories based on my emotional mood. However, I've been observing yet another recurring pattern of mine that has been going on for a while.

I think deep down if I'm being honest with myself, I actually do harbour a physical and geographical preference as to the kind of men I am extremely attracted to or would eventually like to end up with. However physically speaking, I do experience a kind of overwhelming sexual attraction for only a certain type of guys within a particular time frame.

For example, there are times where I could go on for a full week thinking, wanting and yearning only for white guys as I please myself. I'd think about the hot candidates I've met in real life and also male celebrities whom are public figures.

Now with the same pattern in mind, this feverish sexual yearning would then in no particular order, repeat itself at any time within the next few horny sessions, yearning only for guys from Asia, dark-skinned men or Latinos respectively. In fact, these ethnic-specific phases that I'm in tend to render my attraction for the other races obsolete.

Last week, I found myself thinking about black guys which immediately made me wonder if this pattern has anything to do with my role of being versatile? So, negating the need to decry me for all superficialities aside, could this interesting pattern of mine translate to me being able to enjoy a wide spectrum of men for the physical, cultural and mental attributes that make up who they are as a whole? 

Mail: The Confused Girl Who Feels for Her Gay Friend

Here's another interesting mail from a confused 22 year-old girl.

Her Email:

I am so very thankful that I came across your blog. I am a 22-year-old girl who's falling for her currently very good guy friend (27 years old) who is gay. But I already have a boyfriend (30 years old). It all started 2 years ago (I am already attached by that time, & it's full of tears). We're colleagues, met at work. Worked together. Initially we weren't close, until his birthday last year. That was the day that he told me that he's gay. We went out for drinks (just the 2 of us) and he told me he just broke up with his boyfriend of 10 years. I was too shocked for words. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. We grew closer through holidays, lunches, dinners, group activities together. Yes, we have a group of mutual friends(colleagues) whom we hang out with a lot. But among us, we were closest to each other. Some of our colleagues even mistaken us as a couple.

There are too many events to share with you here in this (already) long email. One of the most significant ones was that he chose the gift for my birthday - a necklace. Well, even though the cost was shared among other colleagues. :) And he still put it on for me. The next one was in the airplane flight. We went for a holiday as a group. He's seated beside me while other colleagues were seated in front/behind us. I can't recall what we were talking about at that time, all I remembered clearly was that he said, "... too bad I'm not your boyfriend. Why can't you be a guy..."

We played sports, run together just the 2 of us, accompanied each other for dinner, texted each other everyday without fail. It felt like he's my boyfriend instead. And I must admit I'm happier with him. Our patterns are similar, both of us are easy-going & it felt so smooth. However, my real boyfriend does not like to text a lot, always busy working. We don't think alike. We have fights, quarrels quite often. But until now I'm still with him, surprisingly.

I shared mostly everything & every problems with my guy friend & vice versa. He shared with me about his fears, dreams & his childhood, how he lacked of his father's love which resulted in him becoming gay. I guess that's how we became so close. When he's upset I'll be the one he'll turn to & same goes for me. It's like there's a mutual understanding between us.

But all good times have to end I guess. My guy friend is changing jobs in a few weeks time which means we'll be spending less time with each other. I feel like something is missing at the thought of not seeing my guy friend so often as always. And concurrently, my boyfriend is planning on an engagement before I fly off to Australia to further my studies. What should I do?                   

      

I love my guy friend's way of doing things, his character, his thoughts. He's like a replica of my father. Looks-wise, he's just average.      

                                                  

I'm very, very confused. Am I really in love with my guy friend, or is it just a habit? Can gays ever fall for a girl whom they're very, very close with?

I have tons of questions burning in me. And that's how I Googled and saw your blog. I really need some enlightenment from another point of view that's similar to what my guy friend is experiencing. Cheers to universal love.

#  #  #

My Reply to Her:

Thank you very much for the honest and interesting email. It's nice to receive something like this and read it at the office when I can no longer think about work. I would like to point out that I am the last person ever to give people any words of consolation or input about love, relationships and even life. But I promise that whatever I say here are merely observations and impartial analysis. I do not hope that it will solve your problems, but I do want it to help you work out some thoughts so that you will have a clearer mind to make decisions.

I think you are not the first heterosexual girl to fall in love with a gay man and many girls out there who have been down the same road could definitely relate to the sentiments that you are currently feeling. After all gay or straight, who hasn't really at one point or another, developed feelings with somebody that they can't have? So you are not alone.

I can't help but wonder if your growing sense of romantic attachment for your gay friend is also partly due to the fact that your relationship with your current boyfriend hasn't been going well? At 22 and already in a relationship with a 30 year old guy can very well be a good thing. The difference in mentality and also life experiences can teach both of you a lot of things and how to learn from one another. He sees a reflection of his past age in you and you see a future of your age in him. 

Now let's take your gay friend out of the picture for a second. Without him in the way, I would first like for you to reflect in great detail about what is going on in your current relationship. As in take a moment, look a the picture as a whole, be honest and observe what has become and what is actually going on in this current partnership. If you were to give it a score based on the way you feel, what is the emotional value of it and if your investments (time, love, effort, feelings) in this partnership are yielding you positive returns? 

Arguments, fights and everything you've just mentioned are normal in relationships. However in your case, are the aforementioned elements really normal in a constructive way or a negative way? Part of the things that come with growing up, is learning how to love yourself enough to make decisions based on what is good for you and what is for the better. It is with that kind of thinking that girls turn into woman, boys grow into men.

Your gay friend sounds like an amazing guy. I think you and him are destined to be soul mates or even best friends in life, and you guys have definitely fulfilled that part of your destinies through solace and loving support for each other. However, do you think maybe you might have fallen in love with him not only because he is the epitome of what you found loving, but also because your current relationship is not going well that you now hold on to that fantasy, that hope and that dream of what things could become or how nice things could become in regard to your gay friend?

Truth is, he is sexually attracted to men and you are falling for him. If you think about it from a bigger picture for a second, nothing good can actually come out of it because there's a conflict of sexual orientation here. There are many subjective ways in which your relationship with him can go, such as:

A, either he is willing to forego his lust/attraction for men and build a life with you. Even if that happens, how long do you think that kind of suppression will last? And would you as a friend, encourage your friend to go through a path like this?

B, you guys are emotionally tied to each other but in an open relationship. However bear in mind that there's also no guarantee that he wouldn't one day fall in love with another guy when he meets another boyfriend like his ex. He will start to have doubts, things will get complicated and you would have gone on a wild goose chase that cost you something that money can never buy back, your time and life.

C, you are happily in a relationship with a straight guy, and he is too with another gay guy. And the 2 of you are still the best of friends who are experiencing the best of both worlds, the love and connection of a partner, and also the love and support of a best friend.

These are the various examples of what may come, but there are also another thousand subjectively unpredictable scenarios in which this can go. I would also like to point out that good things sometimes on rare occasions do come out of being unpredictable, and therefore perhaps you should tell your gay friend about what you're going through if you feel that you and him are genuine soul mates/or best friends. You are not professing your love, but merely communicating at the very core as 2 human beings who are in support of one another. Discuss ideas, help each other to get through this.

But my best advice to you is, I think you have to let the deep and unfaltering friendship with your gay best friend, be what it is rather than what it could be. Nothing good can come out of it unless he makes a sacrifice and live a life that is not his or rather, not meant to be his.

Love is not an easy thing to find, but I genuinely with all my heart wish that someday, you will find that special guy who will make you feel so loved and secure that you experience a kind of unconditional happiness that many till this very day, fail to find. 

From what I see, you're actually still very young and will be furthering your studies to Australia. Take time to discover more about yourself and genuinely grow without feeling like you need to make decisions. Because truth is, I am sure that the problems you were facing while you were 15 or 16 years old, doesn't seem so complicated or big now that your old enough to see how silly things were. The same will happen in time and in a couple of years from now. Good luck!

All the love and support from the world, M

When Profile Pictures Do Not Match Up

Despite constantly hanging around too much on my gay mobile applications such as Grindr, Jack'd and Manhunt, I haven't exactly been having much luck with the guys that I come across. I'd make contact with a couple of them who looked attractive in their profile pictures. Usually there wouldn't be a single response or things just never really work out after a couple of exchanges or rather, those that I make contact with.

Sometimes, it still does hurt the ego a little bit when it comes to facing cold rejection. Is it me or is it them? That question would have sunk me to the direct bottom about one and a half years ago when I first tried to venture into the virtual gay world. Fortunately after having been in here for a while, I'd say that I'm now much smarter in trying not to enter that analytical whirlpool and will gladly move on with my head up high.

Over the past few months, I spotted a couple of them in the regular places that I usually hang out in such as a local coffee house or a mall that I always go to. I started wondering recently if there is a reason behind why I've never really got through to these guys. The thing is I have never seen any of these guys in flesh, only in pictures and they now look so different.

One guy looked really masculine and clean in his profile picture, but seated at a table across from me inside the coffee house, I was kinda glad that I didn't have to put myself through having to tell him at the door that this just isn't going to work out. There was another guy in which he looked athletically hot in his profile picture, however in flesh he aged so much, was shorter than I am and wasn't at all the hot guy I thought he was. 

I am writing this not for the reasons that the public might perceive this to be, but rather to recall the time where I felt so inferior because I thought these were the hotter guys who could get anybody they wanted and they rejected me. When I think back, I can't help but felt a sense of comforting boost to my self-esteem. Because you now realised that you're actually not as bad as how you over-perceived yourself to be, and you wondered why you beat yourself up just because you couldn't get the virtual guy you wanted.

Mail: The 27 Year Old Guy Who Feels Left Out

About 2 weeks ago, I received an unexpected write-in from a guy living in the United States.

His Email:

I stumbled across your blog recently and honestly it was difficult to read at times. I felt like I had written it! I want to thank you for sharing your experiences, because it's made a lot of us feel a lot better about ourselves. I'm 27, I live in the USA and my journey has been similar to yours.  

I started (seriously) noticing my attraction to guys in High School, and eventually found my way to gay porn. I started using the internet to chat with guys, but again most of these conversations and interactions revolved around sex and porn. Probably why gay culture is so screwed up, our first experiences revolve around sex, lol. 

At university I started talking more seriously with guys and at 18 I had my first experiences fooling around with other students. It almost felt like I was taking baby steps out of the closet. But then the next year many of my straight friends joined me at university and I fell right back into the closet. I was lucky enough though to make a connection with another guy J. We grew up in similar families and similar areas, and J is out of the closet so he was a great resource to talk to about being gay and what it means. 

We were also very sexually compatible and would meet up regularly for fun. I always held him back from full on intercourse though, because I want to be out and happy and in love (or at least lust) when I give that to someone. So basically I fell into a stasis where my secret encounters with J kept me satisfied, but my "straight" life became increasingly unfulfilling.  

This feeling became magnified as my peers and I bounded towards true adulthood and our 20s. My friends (gay and straight alike) started entering into meaningful relationships that involved not just sex but true companionship. It felt like everyone around me was falling in love and I was too fucked up and closeted to have the same thing. But then again, this was university and there was plenty of homework, parties, stress, and fun to distract me from all these thoughts.  

After college I moved to the big city! New York! A true gay Mecca. I lived alone for my first few months in New York and cautiously explored the gay scene. Unfortunately I ran into many of the same disappointments you did. I went to Splash, the biggest and trendiest gay club in New York. It was everything I thought it would be except... I was alone. Everyone there seemed to be having the time of their lives with their friends. No one asked me to dance or bought me a drink. I worked up the courage to ask another lonely guy to dance and he said no. This pattern repeated itself at a few other bars and eventually I retreated back into my closeted life and the sleazy hookup scene.  

Soon after I moved in with my straight friend G. At this time I started noticing that some of my closest friends, especially G were noticing cracks in my armor (glass closet). They would prod about why I hadn't pursued a relationship. G even asked me point blank, in the most understanding way possible if I was gay. But I wasn't ready to admit it and denied it vehemently.  Part of me wishes I had just said yes!

Eventually I started to feel the need for a fresh start. Subconsciously, I think I wanted to get away from the friends and family in New York who knew the "old" closeted me. I took a job in Los Angeles, another gay Mecca and moved to California, where I have been since 2010. Living here has presented a whole 'nother set of issues. Los Angeles is an open, accepting city.  I don't have a single friend here who would have a problem with my sexuality. My best friend here is an amazing woman who I know would be a particularly good person to help me work through my feelings. In fact, the vast majority of my straight friends are like this. But I'm still not comfortable with who I am.  

A lot of it has to do with residual homophobia. And with my fear over the reaction of the religious, conservative community I grew up in (and my parents are still a part of). There's that fear that when I come out, not only will I have to deal with rejection, but with the knowledge that I'll be a topic of discussion for friends, family, etc. "Did you hear ___'s son is gay?!" "Did you hear ___ came out?" It's terrifying!

And then there's the fact that I haven't had a lot of great experiences with gay culture. Much like yourself I tire of spending days on hookup sites. I'm tired of going to bars by myself and seeing everyone around me have the time of their lives while I drink a beer alone. I want MORE. I don't just want sex, I want someone to do mundane, simple things with.  

But now I have the added fear that I've waited too long. I'm 27, closeted, and I've never had full on intercourse. People are coming out in their teen years these days, and when I look at gay men my age (or even younger!) I feel like they have years and years of gay experience (social and romantic) that I don't. This is all magnified because I spend all my time in New York and Los Angeles, where I am bombarded with happy, out gay men who are living fabulous lives. I wish I could go back to 18, come out of the closet, and fast forward to the part of my life where I have my shit together, haha.  

I'm still struggling with all this and taking baby steps but when I found your blog I couldn't help but think WOW, someone else feels this way too. I hope all my rambling makes sense. Any advice on where to go from here? Thanks for sharing what you've been through. 

#  #  #

My Reply to Him:

Firstly, thank you very much for such a deep email. It gives me great consolation to know that this little white space of mine unconsciously provides a sense of solace to other guys such as yourself, and for that, it keeps me motivated to continue this documentation for the future generation of guys who might find themselves on a gay and invisible journey.

I have always told myself that one day, I would like to live in gay Meccas' such as New York or Los Angeles where it has so much to offer a soul-searching gay guy like me. From London to Paris, New York to Vancouver, I've always given myself the thought that maybe one day I might get out of where I originally came from and give myself a chance at living an exciting gay life. I wouldn't mind living with my "good-looking boyfriend" in a town house or an apartment just as I dreamt of.

However, after listening to your story, I am saddened by the realisation that maybe the whole dream of moving to these places for a better life and finding my happy ending, is just a self-conjured fantasy. That, maybe the real issues and problems of unhappiness doesn't lie in the place, but rather at the core of me and how I perceive my life.

I think what you're looking for is genuine companionship, as in someone to share your life with. You have been quite lucky in terms of being able to locate a couple of guys in which you can test out sexual waters with while you were 18 and in college/university. Although there might not have been full intercourse, but I feel that the broadening of one's mind through light sexual encounters is already a very powerful experience in helping a person understand, and come to terms with what they are genuinely attracted to in a no-longer-theoretical manner.

You have definitely taken the baby steps. But I have a feeling that the deeper issue that has been the backbone of your struggles, is that you're still not mentally in a space whereby you have found that inner peace by realising that there really is no way to change what has become of you and the different parts that make up who you really are as a whole.

It stems from the baggage, the story that you hold on to which ties in deeply with the way you were being brought up, the place where you come from, the background of your life. I can't help but wonder if the absence of genuine unconditional support from the most crucial foundation of your life that is of utmost importance to you, such as your family, community and also your religious background to be the real element in which will give you the confidence and closure to moving on? To allow yourself to be comfortable in the immutable, as-a-matter-of-fact circumstance of being attracted to guys in the 21st century? 

The baggage that we carry is understandable, however you must also know how to start taking care of yourself. In the sense that you have to now realise that genuine freedom from yourself is what you truly deserve. Part of the most crucial task of ageing in life, is learning how to make tough decisions and do what's best for ourselves. Your own cup has to be full before you can influence others who genuinely love you to see you for who you are. 

I once heard a phrase and an intervention session on television in which one person asked the other: "Who will you be without that story that you're holding on to? Who will you be, and what will you be doing?"

If you think about it, what gay guys are going through here, is all just attraction within a complicated minority of other gay guys. How long more would the world want to publicly decry, if not castigate people over human nature that wasn't even their choice to begin with. The principle here would be that if they refuse to accept the reality that is slowly turning over a new leaf on our world, then you should definitely free yourself now and rise above stupid people who will never get it because they're mind is stuck in a space where it doesn't have enough emotional intelligence to perceive and understand things from the shoes of others. Will it be worth to short change yourself with torment over other people's narrow-mindedness?

Bear in mind that you don't have to come-out to everyone. Because the support and acceptance of only the handful of people whom you really care about and genuinely love is what matters, such as your friend G. This is probably the key towards helping you to move on to a happier and more accepting life. The feeling when someone accepts you for who you are, is one of the most liberating in the world, and once you experience that, it generates more positivity and courage for you to carry on and be comfortable with yourself.

Don't be afraid to fail and to lose people along the way. Don't be afraid to take the necessary risks and make a change in your life, even if it means everything will come crashing down and you collapse. Because in life, what goes down must come up and I have a very strong feeling that your happiness and well-being, the rainbow after the rain will truly come to life only and if only you're ready, and you've decide that it's time to let it rain.

Funny thing is like you, I too suffered from the realisation that younger gay guys are now not only blessed with the privilege to come-out at in their teen years, but they are also more attractive and luckier in their sex and love lives. This makes me wonder occasionally as to where I stand as a guy who just came-out in his mid-twenties, never having experienced real romance, love-making and every other nice things that seem to come so easily and effortlessly for other people. What is going to happen to me?

I once found myself sitting at a dinner table with my close friends feeling the same way as you did. About how everybody was falling in love, everybody was so lucky and everybody's life was insanely comfortable to the point where they never really have to yearn for experiences and things. I have to admit, I'm still working on that and trying to free myself from internal incarceration.

I wish I could say some things, or give you some words of encouragement to make you feel better in regards to your invisibility at gay establishments and also your search for companionship. But I'm afraid, I am not at all in a position to do so because I've never exactly experienced any real romance or know the gay jungle board game enough to provide survival skills.

But I will say this, is that if you genuinely believe in the existence of true companionship and unfaltering love, then only allow yourself to feel more than a day of rejection at the bars. We are all meant to be our own person someday, and the aforementioned guys, are not meant to be the ones who will at the end of the day, make the summit with you when you blossom further into your 30s and 40s into an attractive man in mind, in soul and in body.

To end this email before it gets any longer, maybe what you're feeling is a wake-up call in trying to get you to deal with the situation at this age before you grow any older. Think about it, would you really want to carry this into your thirties or wait until you turn 40? I actually think you need to identify and sort out a couple of things within yourself at this stage in order for you to be able to move on to true acceptance that will secure your emotional freedom. 

It will also jump start the process of a positive change that will perhaps bring about the search for what you want? But do it only when you're ready or when you think the people from home are ready. Unfortunately, I can't tell you how or when to be ready. You have to go through a process that you cannot rush. You will know when you know. Have I said too much in this email? Does it help at all?

All the love and support in the world, M

Being the anonymous writer behind Gay & Invisible who is also lost himself, it dawned on me that I am probably the last person on Earth to be giving anybody any advice or input on life, love, and acceptance. Reading back what I wrote, I suddenly felt so foolish. Anyway, I don't expect my words to solve problems, but I do at least hope that this will help make him and any other similar guy out there feel better about themselves.