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Sunday, 7 July 2013

Mail: The Confused Girl Who Feels for Her Gay Friend

Here's another interesting mail from a confused 22 year-old girl.

Her Email:
I am so very thankful that I came across your blog. I am a 22-year-old girl who's falling for her currently very good guy friend (27 years old) who is gay. But I already have a boyfriend (30 years old). It all started 2 years ago (I am already attached by that time, & it's full of tears). We're colleagues, met at work. Worked together. Initially we weren't close, until his birthday last year. That was the day that he told me that he's gay. We went out for drinks (just the 2 of us) and he told me he just broke up with his boyfriend of 10 years. I was too shocked for words. 

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. We grew closer through holidays, lunches, dinners, group activities together. Yes, we have a group of mutual friends(colleagues) whom we hang out with a lot. But among us, we were closest to each other. Some of our colleagues even mistaken us as a couple.

There are too many events to share with you here in this (already) long email. One of the most significant ones was that he chose the gift for my birthday - a necklace. Well, even though the cost was shared among other colleagues. :) And he still put it on for me. The next one was in the airplane flight. We went for a holiday as a group. He's seated beside me while other colleagues were seated in front/behind us. I can't recall what we were talking about at that time, all I remembered clearly was that he said, "... too bad I'm not your boyfriend. Why can't you be a guy..."

We played sports, run together just the 2 of us, accompanied each other for dinner, texted each other everyday without fail. It felt like he's my boyfriend instead. And I must admit I'm happier with him. Our patterns are similar, both of us are easy-going & it felt so smooth. However, my real boyfriend does not like to text a lot, always busy working. We don't think alike. We have fights, quarrels quite often. But until now I'm still with him, surprisingly.

I shared mostly everything & every problems with my guy friend & vice versa. He shared with me about his fears, dreams & his childhood, how he lacked of his father's love which resulted in him becoming gay. I guess that's how we became so close. When he's upset I'll be the one he'll turn to & same goes for me. It's like there's a mutual understanding between us.

But all good times have to end I guess. My guy friend is changing jobs in a few weeks time which means we'll be spending less time with each other. I feel like something is missing at the thought of not seeing my guy friend so often as always. And concurrently, my boyfriend is planning on an engagement before I fly off to Australia to further my studies. What should I do?                   
I love my guy friend's way of doing things, his character, his thoughts. He's like a replica of my father. Looks-wise, he's just average.      
I'm very, very confused. Am I really in love with my guy friend, or is it just a habit? Can gays ever fall for a girl whom they're very, very close with?

I have tons of questions burning in me. And that's how I Googled and saw your blog. I really need some enlightenment from another point of view that's similar to what my guy friend is experiencing. Cheers to universal love.

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My Reply to Her:
Thank you very much for the honest and interesting email. It's nice to receive something like this and read it at the office when I can no longer think about work. I would like to point out that I am the last person ever to give people any words of consolation or input about love, relationships and even life. But I promise that whatever I say here are merely observations and impartial analysis. I do not hope that it will solve your problems, but I do want it to help you work out some thoughts so that you will have a clearer mind to make decisions.

I think you are not the first heterosexual girl to fall in love with a gay man and many girls out there who have been down the same road could definitely relate to the sentiments that you are currently feeling. After all gay or straight, who hasn't really at one point or another, developed feelings with somebody that they can't have? So you are not alone.

I can't help but wonder if your growing sense of romantic attachment for your gay friend is also partly due to the fact that your relationship with your current boyfriend hasn't been going well? At 22 and already in a relationship with a 30 year old guy can very well be a good thing. The difference in mentality and also life experiences can teach both of you a lot of things and how to learn from one another. He sees a reflection of his past age in you and you see a future of your age in him. 

Now let's take your gay friend out of the picture for a second. Without him in the way, I would first like for you to reflect in great detail about what is going on in your current relationship. As in take a moment, look a the picture as a whole, be honest and observe what has become and what is actually going on in this current partnership. If you were to give it a score based on the way you feel, what is the emotional value of it and if your investments (time, love, effort, feelings) in this partnership are yielding you positive returns

Arguments, fights and everything you've just mentioned are normal in relationships. However in your case, are the aforementioned elements really normal in a constructive way or a negative way? Part of the things that come with growing up, is learning how to love yourself enough to make decisions based on what is good for you and what is for the better. It is with that kind of thinking that girls turn into woman, boys grow into men.

Your gay friend sounds like an amazing guy. I think you and him are destined to be soul mates or even best friends in life, and you guys have definitely fulfilled that part of your destinies through solace and loving support for each other. However, do you think maybe you might have fallen in love with him not only because he is the epitome of what you found loving, but also because your current relationship is not going well that you now hold on to that fantasy, that hope and that dream of what things could become or how nice things could become in regard to your gay friend?

Truth is, he is sexually attracted to men and you are falling for him. If you think about it from a bigger picture for a second, nothing good can actually come out of it because there's a conflict of sexual orientation here. There are many subjective ways in which your relationship with him can go, such as:

A, either he is willing to forego his lust/attraction for men and build a life with you. Even if that happens, how long do you think that kind of suppression will last? And would you as a friend, encourage your friend to go through a path like this?

B, you guys are emotionally tied to each other but in an open relationship. However bear in mind that there's also no guarantee that he wouldn't one day fall in love with another guy when he meets another boyfriend like his ex. He will start to have doubts, things will get complicated and you would have gone on a wild goose chase that cost you something that money can never buy back, your time and life.

C, you are happily in a relationship with a straight guy, and he is too with another gay guy. And the 2 of you are still the best of friends who are experiencing the best of both worlds, the love and connection of a partner, and also the love and support of a best friend.

These are the various examples of what may come, but there are also another thousand subjectively unpredictable scenarios in which this can go. I would also like to point out that good things sometimes on rare occasions do come out of being unpredictable, and therefore perhaps you should tell your gay friend about what you're going through if you feel that you and him are genuine soul mates/or best friends. You are not professing your love, but merely communicating at the very core as 2 human beings who are in support of one another. Discuss ideas, help each other to get through this.

But my best advice to you is, I think you have to let the deep and unfaltering friendship with your gay best friend, be what it is rather than what it could be. Nothing good can come out of it unless he makes a sacrifice and live a life that is not his or rather, not meant to be his.

Love is not an easy thing to find, but I genuinely with all my heart wish that someday, you will find that special guy who will make you feel so loved and secure that you experience a kind of unconditional happiness that many till this very day, fail to find. 

From what I see, you're actually still very young and will be furthering your studies to Australia. Take time to discover more about yourself and genuinely grow without feeling like you need to make decisions. Because truth is, I am sure that the problems you were facing while you were 15 or 16 years old, doesn't seem so complicated or big now that your old enough to see how silly things were. The same will happen in time and in a couple of years from now. Good luck!

All the love and support from the world, M

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