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Tuesday, 23 October 2012

I Pulled a Hit-and-Run

The world is a very discreet place and most of the time, I do feel like I am the only foolish guy walking on Earth, struggling through the most embarrassing situations in trying to discover gay life. It does feel very lonely and out of place, especially when we're invisible and clueless.

So kids, here goes a couple of my cringe-worthy faux-pas for growth documentation purposes. Hopefully someday, it will become a partial antidote to your sense of feeling-out-of-place should you one day find yourself at a similar crossroad while trying to break into gay life. Being foolish is a beautiful part of learning how to be human.


A couple of months after coming to terms with my attraction for guys, I wasn't thinking at my best. The worse was having to go through this while living in a city where beautiful guys would pass me by every single day. This constant bombardment of indescribable thoughts and emotions incited by the passage of these guys pushed me over the edge where I had to constantly reassured myself that I was still mentally sane.

I was definitely feeling a truckload of emotions but I couldn't clearly compartmentalise and decipher what they were. Lust, longing, love, sexual frustration, fear, insecurity, inferiority... I had no idea how to deal with them or what was going on.

However, one urge was very clear. I was very adamant about wanting to establish contact with the beautiful straight guys I come across from my everyday surroundings. Basically in a non-gay environment. From the métro to supermarket aisles, from restaurants to the public squares. I find myself being overwhelmingly drawn to them. The closest description I could come up with was that I was a walking pathetic love sick teenager, in the body of a guy in his twenties.

So I decided to write my number down on a small piece of paper and carried it around with me in my wallet. The trick was to initiate a discreet hit-and-run, in other words, casually passing my contact to the guys that I'm mesmerised with and then walking away. Disregarding the fact as to whether they're straight or happen to be gay. "Or the fact that I could have been punched in the fucking face for being stupid."

Writing it all down at this moment, I didn't know what was I thinking then. The frustrated state of mind I must have been in to come up with a haphazard idea like this. The catch was that I didn't even know what I was looking for or what would come out of it?

Thinking about all the possibilities in my head, I think it went something like this: see attractive guy - attempt eye contact - hit-and-run - he calls (because he 'miraculously happens' to be into guys like me) - meet up - warm up chat - his apartment - make-out - sexual exploration? There, we have a crazy idea.

Throughout the following weeks, I forced myself to practice subtle eye-contact despite not being very good at it. I checked out many guys and was so ready to walk up and put my plan into action. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to do it out of common decency and also the realisation that it's pointless because the world is straight. However, I would later feel the strong pull of regret in my heart for chickening out.

"Come on. Remember that gay kiss? And how you made yourself go from denial to gay bar in less than 48 hours after the conversation with R? That was all so hard! But yet you grew an enormous pair and did all the impossible. Don't tell me you can't pull off a harmless hit-and-run now after all that?"

Weeks went by and I still didn't have the balls to do it. Then came a day where I was wandering around the gay neighbourhood of the city. I happened to be inspecting a product at a shop when I discovered one of the sales assistant was a hot guy. He was masculine, metrosexual, and most probably gay. I knew I had an undeveloped gaydar, but I could definitely feel this one. His sense of dressing, his perfect hair, the way he moves. I may be wrong but he's attractive and it's now or never.

In the spirit of being considerate to the other person, discretion was my utmost priority. I knew I was embarrassing myself, but I could also save my target from the agony of feeling uncomfortable in a public place by keeping my intentions low. I loiter around a little longer until there were no other customers and tried to catch his gaze. I think I caught it, I think I didn't. Technically it wasn't ey- "Stop over thinking, or you'll lose your momentum."

I was breaking out in almost-cold-sweat and feeling extremely nervous. "Calm down. Why does it feel like I've just murdered someone and currently thinking of how to hide the body?" While he was packing some boxes next to me, I bent down quietly, placed the piece of paper with my number where he could see it, smiled while maintaining eye-contact, then turned around to walk out of the shop.

Back on the street, I was still shaking in shock. I couldn't believe the ridiculous stunt I just pulled. Mortifying? Well it was embarrassing. "Jeez, what the fuck was that all about? Why the hell would I do that? I feel like a complete idiot and a loser. So stupid!" I still cringe whenever I replay the scene in my head. It reminded me very much of the sentiments I felt after kissing a guy for the first timeBut for now, it was more of feeling victorious. For knowing how it finally feels to have the balls to once again be courageous. It didn't even bother me what that dude was going to think or do with the piece of paper I left him. Maybe he'll laugh, maybe he'll show everyone, maybe he'll call, I don't know. If he calls, he calls. Simple as that. Maybe someday, this will all make sense.

1 comment:

  1. Great post and well done on finally having the balls to do it. It's not easy in the slightest, I'm not sure it ever really becomes easy, it's just you don't spend as much time thinking about it the more you do it. As my old granny used to say, 'you can't always wait for them to come to you, or you could be waiting your whole life.'

    When I was younger I used to have a printed card for just such occasions, it had a funny rhyme on it which I cant remember now. Now, having a card is quite cringe worthy when I think about it, but it worked a couple of times.