'Stalk-Walking' a Hot Guy Up Close

It was Friday evening in the capital city, and I found myself walking through one of its bustling shopping districts after a meeting in a nearby office. With every step that I took, I immersed myself in the traffic, the sounds, the sights and the flow of cosmopolitan pedestrians. I was on my way towards another upmarket district of the city centre.

"Is it just me or are there lots of good-looking people on the street today on a Friday evening? How long have I banished myself to hanging out only in the suburbs? Since when was this city capable of playing host to congregations of good-looking foreigners?", I thought in silent observation.

After crossing a certain busy road onto a public square, I started to notice that the towering lean figure walking in front of me belonged to a handsome hot guy, who suddenly stopped in his track to ask a certain girl by the fountain for directions on how to get to the same destination I was headed to.

"Oh my god, did you hear that?! He's headed towards where we're going!", the inner hormonal teenage girl in me starts to awaken to mischief.

As I walked pass them, I had a strong urge to tell the hot guy: "Hey, I'm headed that way too! Would you like to walk together?" Unfortunately, I couldn't pull enough courage to do it. Would I have embarrassed myself or be perceived as a crazy stalker if I did? Oh-kay now let it go. Let it go! You're obsessing.

I carried on walking, but slowed down at every opportunity until the handsome hot guy caught up. Man, he looked amazing in his well-fitted navy blue polo-t, man jeans and polished leather shoes. There were firm bulges everywhere, the kind that tells you a man is gym fit. He exudes a certain air of confidence and intimidation into the atmosphere surrounding him when he moves. 

"Well if we can't talk to him, at least we'll get to inspect him from head to toe within close distance", the inner Mafia voice speaks.

Throughout the next 20 minutes of the journey on foot, I couldn't take my eyes off him even though I tried very hard not to make it obvious. We were surrounded by pedestrians and other shoppers who were also using the same route.

After a while, the handsome hot guy started to notice me and would purposely turn his head to look at the side but actually in fact, he was using the corner of his left eye to gauge if I might be following him. The inner Mafia is alerted but we think he doesn't deserve to flatter himself.

As I observe him like an eagle stalking its large prey, I tried very hard to interpret every second of his body language to gauge if there was a slight chance that he might actually be "sending me signals". Signals I delude myself that I "might have missed". Maybe he discreetly wants me to follow him? Maybe we might end up together in the men's room? Or his bachelor bed for the weekend? I did a man giggle on the inside.

At one point, when I was closely behind him, he stopped in his track again to ask another passing girl if he was headed towards the right direction. Ho! Handsome-hot-guy-cum-ladies-man chose to ask another girl for directions again when I've been walking right behind him all along? What kind of a card is he trying to play? Jeez!

As we finally arrived at the internal atrium of our destination, I gave it one last linger. Hoping one more time that there really were no exchange of signals between me and him before going our separate ways. He disappeared confidently into the crowd of another wing and I looked on from afar. As I sighed a huge breath and ascended the escalator to my destination, I couldn't help but judge myself again for being so foolish and invisible.

Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❷

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Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❶

As mentioned in the last post, I've been hanging around obsessively on the gay apps again. On Friday evening, I found myself in a messaging frenzy with a couple of candidates from Grindr for some potential fun while striving to put on my best dining behaviour at the restaurant with my family.

One of the guys were really receptive towards me in which I suspect is the allure of my new profile picture. This isn't the first time he and I have chatted. He contacted me a couple of times back when he sees me within his Grindr grid range but is always reluctant to provide a face picture or something concrete that I can trust. This time he did and in his picture, he's a young good-looking guy so I continued chatting.

He's a top who wants me for some fun that night because in his own words, he feels "very horny just looking at my new profile picture." He mentioned that he's an amazing kisser and he really wants to do that while jerking me off. Christ, that is so hot! He got me.

After I came home from dinner, the intermittent discussion continues on WhatsApp as to whether or not we're going to meet up for some fun. But the catch was that he couldn't accommodate, and there was no way I would ever invite him over to the home I share with my family.

He suggested that I pick him up and we drive around while he engages me in activities 'at the wheel' so to speak. What the fuck?! Is he for real? I sensibly declined because firstly, I'm not interested in putting my life at risk and secondly, I wouldn't be able to concentrate. What if we accidentally leave some sort of unintended evidence in the car? How am I going to explain it?

The time was already closing on to 11pm and we were still chatting, having not found any solution. I decided to just let it go and stay home. A voice in me kept repeating: "Missed opportunity, missed opportunity!" But planning a sex date can feel emotionally and mentally draining too when somebody doesn't want to meet you halfway on top of being persistent.

I didn't know what I was thinking but somehow he managed to convince me to pick him up from a public place and then take things together from there. My instincts told me that I should have asked for another face picture because something didn't feel right, but I knocked that thought away thinking that I only have myself to blame if he turned out looking otherwise. I left the house telling myself not to over think things if I were to go after surreptitious adventures like that.

God I hope I'm making the right decision and taking the right risk! On the way to pick him up, I made a quick pit stop to buy some mints and tissues. As my car glided slowly pass the spot where I'm supposed to pick him, I saw a figure of a man and I knew in dropping disappointment that the picture he sent didn't depict him accurately in the present.

My car finally made a U-turn and stopped. He came up, opened the door and climbed into the front passenger seat. "Hi, thanks for coming!" was the first sentenced he uttered. "Sure, no problem", I answered calmly.

"You sure don't look like the picture you sent me", I questioned in civility under masked annoyance and angriness. "Is it okay?", he asked. "Well I have shorter hair now... So maybe that's why it seems different", he justified. 

I felt kinda pissed and taken for granted. Oh pathetic please! Sure, maybe shorter hair and 10 birthdays! Jeez! I struggled not to go into regret and just try to enjoy the calculated risk I've taken. Although he might not be conventionally good-looking, but he isn't ugly either. At least for a 37 year old man who gave me a younger picture of himself.

So I drove aimlessly around the district to find us a dark spot as we spoke casually. He reached out to hold my left hand tightly and uttered "Thanks for coming!". "No problem", I answered calmly as his touch quelled whatever resentment I had towards him. But it still didn't mean that I was physically attracted to this guy.

At one point he turned to look at me and uttered "Man, I can't wait to kiss you!" as his right hand moved towards kneading the bulge in my pants. I had a mild erection not just from the erotic moment that came out of spontaneity, but also for having a guy say something like that to me. The thrill made me feel like the teenage boy I never had the chance to be.

Throughout the aimless drive, I felt him inspect me from the side and watch him come to the conclusion that he really wants to go all the way with me tonight. He started talking me into going to a nearby hotel so that he can have my ass in proper private fashion. "Jeez, who the fuck does he think he is? And what makes him think that I am going to agree to a hotel after all the not-up-to-expectation crap he pulled on me tonight?!", shouts the inner voice.

I didn't even bother asking him if he was going to be the one to fork out the full cost for a hotel room because I am not paying for sex! He is after all, a citizen of a neighbouring country and they are well known for being stingy or not very generous. I said no and stuck to the plan of finding us a secluded dark spot.

After driving around for about 15 minutes, I finally turned into a deserted commercial lot and found us a place in a very dark secluded back alley. It was perfect for car sex and he agreed. So I parked the vehicle and killed the engine. We unbuckled our seat belts and visually surveyed our surrounding one more time. After instructing me never to unlock the car doors for the sake of our own safety, we leaned closer and he kissed me. 

[ To Be Continued... Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❷ ]

Sexual Frustration and a Change of Profile Picture

About a month ago, my doctor decided to put me on a new dose of medication to supress a relapse of my depression and anxiety problems. So the switch in medication has profoundly affected my sex drive. In other words, my libido was so frozen in the low that I didn't touch myself for weeks. Unbelievable!

Although I do still try it out occasionally whenever I'm feeling restless in the shower or in bed. But setback is I could never climax, nor could I ever reach ejaculation which was both equally frustrating and exhausting when you're trying to blow off some steam.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, I gradually got some of my libido back. However, this time only porn and pictures of really hot male models will have enough ammo to tip me off to euphoria. But during that phase, my familiar struggle with physical self-esteem came back to haunt me.

Then I decided to pay a visit to my hairstylist in order to feel fresh and better about myself. The evening after my haircut, I pondered obsessively in front of the mirror if I could ever be masculine or good-looking enough for the kind of guys I'm after. I studied my own reflection in silence and in doubt.

As I remembered the issue of online profile pictures not matching up in real life, a screenshot of the Grindr grid pops into in my head and I thought immediately about the art of image crafting. Of how many guys actually look like their profile pictures and how many guys actually hide better or worse versions of themselves behind that inviting thumbnail.

I decided to do an experiment of my own and started to explore what could possibly come out of my phone camera with the help of my new haircut. I took many shots of myself in various lighting and angles while shutting my ego up whenever it rears its ugly head to judge me from the inside.

The key visual projection message I had in mind is attractive, good-looking and masculine. The image should make a guy want to tap on my thumbnail and chat me up or reciprocate in a positive manner when I initiate contact. I finally selected one or two favourable shots in which I think would work.

Truth is I don't feel comfortable showing my full face picture. I remember reading somewhere on the gay banker's blog that he never shows his face picture publicly for a handful of reasons so I followed his advice. Hence, my current picture doesn't show my face clearly. Which is probably the reason why my profile doesn't get much attention even though it is well written.

So about a week ago, I was hanging out with some friends at a local bar and this straight Iranian bartender that served us was handsome and hot. He didn't even responded to my eye-contact and it drove me crazy because I was in a phase of sexual frustration. I was just horny and in dire need of some kind of a make-out with an attractive guy. 

In the beaten spirit of not being able to have what I want, I finally convinced myself to take the courageous step of uploading my new profile picture to the gay apps to see if I am masculine and good-looking enough to get some attention. After all, I needed to fish in the right pond too rather than whine over some straight hot bartender.

When I woke up the next day, my gay apps were flooded with notifications. It became busier than usual and there was an overnight increase in activity. Lots of guys were sending me messages and lots of guys were very receptive towards the new profile picture which was previously unimaginable. The new found buzz has lured me into the new obsession of constantly being on the app for almost every hour of the day.

I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the attention and the new found confidence in talking to other guys. But the most important satisfaction that I got from this experimentation is that I am not as physically unattractive as I thought I was. And that the art of image crafting does hold the ultimate power in boosting the attractiveness of an online profile if implemented strategically. For now, I'll wait and see what happens next.

Mail: Dealing With Guilt After Lying About Being Gay

Here's an interesting email I received a couple of days ago from a guy who is not ready to come out of the closet but is haunted by paralysing guilt when confronted with the gay question.

His Email:
I have been following your blog for quite some time now. I am a closeted 21 year old guy at university. Been hiding it since I was 10 and I don't plan to come out to anybody any time soon for personal reasons. I am just not ready! My purpose of writing to you is that I'm in a minor dilemma of my own and need somebody to talk to. 

Two university classmates recently asked jokingly if I was gay while we were all studying together in the library. I wasn't very happy about it. The thing is this is not the first time I've been caught with this question and I would usually deny vehemently that I'm not as I did with them. But every time after I get a question like this, I would get very depressed and sad. I think I'm struggling with my own guilt... paralysing guilt that is affecting me as a person!

I know my story and what I did might sound pathetic to other people, but I am just not in a position where I'm ready to tell people. Even when my best friend asked me once if I liked boys, I flipped out and told her how ridiculous that assumption was! The thing is I just couldn't tell her the truth even though parts of me wanted to say yes! But I don't know why I just couldn't... and I end up beating myself over the guilt and embarrassment that haunts me after I deny being gay because I AM gay. So my question is how can I stop feeling guilty about why I have to lie without wanting to come-out yet? Thanks again for the amazing blog!!

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My Reply to Him:

I feel very happy to receive this email of yours because I think it highlights a very common issue that many of us face when in the closet, or when dealing with situations where we are just not mentally comfortable in a space to admit something so personal, even if it is to ourselves. First of all, you need to understand that this is all part of life and that you're not alone. This has happened to a lot of people, me included.

When I started coming-out to more and more people this year, a handful of them actually acknowledged that they've heard me deny or lie to them before. But at this point in life, all of whether I did or I did not doesn't matter any more because I am starting to feel assured of who I am now and have made peace with why I lied in the past.

Throughout my days of growing up as a gay kid, I am no stranger to the dishonest act of denying or lying when people wondered about my sexuality. I usually dodge the question, keep it under the non-of-your-business-tone, or try to answer them in tangential responses where they will never get a definitive Yes or a No answer. 

And although I am aware that the resistance to providing a clear answer in itself to the gay question could already be perceived as "hiding something", but in my opinion, that strategy is always better than letting other people win and surrendering to them when you're not ready or haven't fully accepted yourself. Remember that you are always at liberty to never offer explanations for life in areas in which you don't need to.

However in situations where people corner me with questions like: "Are you gay?!" or "Do you like guys?" where all of a sudden I had absolute no control over the spotlight timing and invasion of privacy, I would usually deny with a very convincing version of: "What?! Dude, no! What's wrong with you?" followed by "[insert cover up here]" or "[insert cover up there]". And then I would back all of that up with strong acting skills that I have perfected over the years to deter from the truth.

At the beginning, I felt nothing. But as these incidents become more frequent, I would always end up going to bed feeling a deep sense of rotten guilt and shame. There were days where I cried, firstly because I felt invaded, and secondly because I was different and couldn't be honest about who I am just like every other normal kid born into this world.

The whole thing would eat me up from the inside because I know that through denial, I ate my own truth. That no matter what happens, what people say, or how much I try to cover up, the outside world has already won by default just because I was who I was. Because no amount of lies and acting will shield the real me from my own truth that is residing inside.

What the rest of the world don't realise right here, is that when gay people hit a certain point in life where you discover that you and your natural human desires are in contradiction with societal norms, you start to develop a set of specific skills on the side to help you be dishonest in your cause. 

You go through life having to use it all the time that you become a natural at convincing people who this non-gay alter ego is. By being in denial or closeted, it helps you to believe that you are keeping your deepest darkest secret. To protect yourself from judgement, from ostracism, from shame and most importantly, from having your heart surgically harvested for a game of public social volleyball.

It took me a long time to find my way, but when I finally arrived at my moment to come to terms with my homosexuality back in 2011, I struggled with tormenting difficulty when trying to do the right thing for myself.

Because psychologically, it's a difficult thing to come to terms with because you now need to reverse an entire human mode of operation and when you are in the process of doing that, you can't help but feel so robbed or cheated of the many years that you try to dim your own light, suppressing who you are when straight people never grew up with that kind of shortcoming.

Thing is when you come-out, you begin a process that starts to purge yourself of your shame. Kinda like spiritual awakening or being more aware of yourself. After 10 teenage and young adulthood years of having to live a life in fear, in secrecy, in hiding, in corruption, in acting and in lies, I now have to purge myself off all these experiences that I have accumulated over the years that was meant to protect myself in the first place. This includes varying degrees of homophobia that was internally bred.

Everybody lies for a reason and in this case, I can't help but see your denial and lie as mainly a way to protect yourself from the outside world because you are not ready. I went through that and I understand exactly what you're going through. 

On the other hand, I can't help but wonder too if there might be the other possibility of you feeling guilty because you are gay but I doubt it. Based on the tone of your email, I think you seem pretty assured with your sexuality. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is go easy on yourself and make peace with why you have to  lie. If you can get to the core and understand the reason behind your dishonesty, then the haunting guilt would either fade or go away because you know your truth. You lied to protect yourself, and that's okay!

On the other hand, my advice to you will also be that you have a rough plan of how you want to come to terms with the truth in the future. Because that will also help you to lie better and not put you in an awkward position when you decide to come-out for real one day.

My view of your situation is that we shouldn't blame or judge a person who lied to protect themselves, but show a compassionate hand in helping them free themselves of the guilt until they are ready to come-out to the world or tell their truth in their own time. I hope I said the right things my friend.

All the love and support in the world, M

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(If readers have any personal advice to add pertaining to this guy's email, please feel free to do so in the comments section below. Thank you.)

Smilar or related articles in the past:
I Don't Want People to be Right by Coming-Out