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Wednesday, 1 October 2014

The Time I Felt Overwhelmed By Hot Guys Again

In a city of very good-looking people, sometimes I wish I possess the power to pick every hot guy I see off the street and transfer them to this temporary holding pen where I get to cast some love spell and have my way with them for an hour or two one by one. I'm not kidding. 

Okay, I'm kidding. Please don't call the cops or the supreme court on me. Anyway, a few weeks back was one of those very positive days where I felt really good and completely solid as myself. I felt as if my life is starting to turn around, I was counting my blessings, and I was so confidently at peace about where I was and the person that I am. I stand tall and I am truly living from the inside out. One is the best version of oneself. Isn't that what people always try to get you to live?

For weeks, I have been making tremendous efforts in trying to induce the Law of Attraction in my life where it advocates feeling good in order to generate powerful positive emotions of gratitude, love, fulfilment, abundance and confidence that can put you in a mental state to receiving and living your highest potential.

Then unfortunately, that all gets shaken up as soon as I stopped by the neighbourhood supermarket to stock up on some groceries. It was just after working hours and the place was literally swarming with good-looking gay couples and hot guys. I don't know if it's because I haven't gotten together with anyone recently, or if I am not happy with the guys I'm getting, or what obsessive guy-hungry disorder this is, but as usual, I couldn't help but stare and pivot my head shamelessly around like a spoilt kid itching in a candy factory.

At the beginning, spotting one or two attractive guys didn't bother me much. I refuse to let it affect me or dig out any self-destructive feelings that I know will overwhelm. But as soon as the ninth, the tenth and the eleventh started to appear in my tracks, it completely trampled how I felt about myself and how I feel about my life.

I was overwhelmed by mental and emotional feelings I could not articulate, which I think has its historical roots sinking into my long time struggles with inadequacy, insecurity, envy, inferiority and diffidence. I would look at the hot guys and their partners, and think of a hundred and one reasons how I would never fit in, how I'm not worthyand the endless detrimental crap the chattering mind tells itself. 

As I went to grab some bacon, I was confronted with yet another trigger, this time in the form of Mitch, this tall and blonde branch attendant who never fails to make me hold my breath every time I see him. He was too male model to be working in a supermarket. I wondered if he was gay and if there was ever a possibility that I could chat him up, even if he is extraordinarily out of my league. "God, we would look so out of place together. Why would he pick us from this sea of handsome successful gay men?", the mind thinks.

"Ho-kay M stop-it! Stop it right now. Stop talking, stop thinking, just stop. You need to get whatever you need and get out of here. And keep you mouth shut too! Not another word." I heard the inner voice scolds itself. I then went to get what I needed in defeat, paid and left.

That night, my mood was a little dampened and all I wanted to do was go lie down in bed. It's so ludicrous to think that out of all the things that can affect me, it can get as preposterous as seeing other hot guys. This supermarket incident is obviously not the first and only time I have felt to have affected me. 

It happens a lot too when I'm travelling on the bus, or for example at a restaurant on Friday when I was so infatuated with this handsome Italian waiter from Milan who served us. He looks like Jamie Dornan and throughout the entire night, I just kept referring to him as my Italian Jamie Dornan.

God he was so cute! I couldn't decide if I wanted to wake up to him or these other hot guys I see everyday as a boyfriend, or if I just want to have primitive sex with them, or if I wish I could be as attractive as them. I don't know. I am still very confused about how I feel when I am overwhelmed by the sight of many attractive guys in a particular place or moment. 

I've jotted down some thoughts about why I feel so affected by hot guys back in 2012 as my younger self, but it's been two years and I still can't seem to accurately figure out the real reason behind my unreasonable infatuation or behaviour. Maybe this is just a phase of mine that might take a couple more years before I finally grow out of it.

1 comment:

  1. When I'm out and about, I've felt two totally different things:
    1. I'm distinctly aware of myself as a participant in a social context and then I start fretting over how others are perceiving me, starting a game where I'm changing own actions in a way to harmonize with what I think others should see
    2. I'm completely in the moment and an active participant in my social surroundings, where I'm not thinking about how others are perceiving me as much as I'm a part of the "others" and pulling others into the fold.
    I hope that makes sense. Anyway, it's hard to cross from 1 to 2 because the former lends itself to this self-perpetuating downward spiral where you keep on questioning yourself and trying to "correct" yourself to try to fit in whereas what I really needed to do is just break free from all that. Enjoy the fact that I'm surrounded by hot guys. Say fuck it. And just enjoy and delighting in everything around me regardless of whether or not I measure up or am making an ass of myself. And that's when I become the one that's consuming my emotions instead of being consumed by them. But that switch is so fucking hard when you're looking at yourself from the outside.