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Friday, 3 October 2014

The Time I Met 4 Guys From Wednesday To Saturday

There was one particular week in the month of August where I met four different guys over coffee for four consecutive days. I have to say, four meet ups over four days for me is a first. So here, I'm going to write a little bit about my experiences with them, and what I took away with me starting from Wednesday.


About a week prior to this day, a nice looking guy in his fifties sent me a message on HornetI wasn't interested but decided to give him a reply because he seemed open. He asked me if I have an age limit with regard to the guys I see. I said yes out of wanting to deter him, but he went on further to comment that when he was my age, he thought that anyone over thirty was old. 

I told him that's not what I'm about. I do have an age limit when it comes to sex, but when it came to meeting someone over coffee, my heart is wide open and that I try very hard not to let myself fall victim to the easier route of developing quick judgements based on how you've aged in life.

Anyway, I really don't know what I was thinking going out with somebody I am not interested in, but I agreed to a meet on Wednesday afternoon for the sake of wanting to keep myself open, and in wanting to give people a chance. 

I was extremely nervous before the meet because I was afraid of his intention and how things will look like in public together. Fortunately, he was a very honest and friendly guy. He came to pick me up in a blue car and we headed for a café in a mall. He was genuinely a very nice guy and I sighed a huge relief that my openness has given me such a positive experience. 

There, we talked about a variety of things ranging from relationships to Australian prime ministers. A couple of key points that struck me was when I asked him: "Tell me this, a lot of guys I've spoken to tells me that all of their past relationships have happened when they least expect it or when they didn't see it coming. So did yours happen when you were not looking for anything?"

"Absolutely. Absolutely", he says. "Mine happened when my friend needed an extra person to go with him to a dinner party. And another time while I was seating in for somebody else on a random double date."

"The thing is that people can sense the vibe, or even know what you're feeling even before yourself. So if you go into a meet-up with the mindset of 'wanting' or 'looking out' for a relationship, the other guy will pick up on it and that'll scare him away."


Thursday was a Grindr profile who was working from home about 50 metres away. He decided to take a break and met me for coffee at a nearby café. He was very tall, not bad looking, and a self-employed guy who is currently working hard at trying to turn his dwindling online platform of few years around.

Initially, I thought it was refreshing being able to talk to someone with an entrepreneurial background, but after a while, I realised that this guy actually has a lot of hidden issues that has yet to be completely worked out. Mostly arising from his struggles with trying to tame his ego, and his past of being extremely arrogant where he often feels that he is better than other people.

He tells me that since young, he has always had a firm belief that he is meant to achieve change-the-world success. This has prompted me to reflect on one of the biggest questions I've always been curious of, and that is I often wonder if the truly successful icons of our time, from head of states to entrepreneurs, writers to philanthropists, ever prophesised via gut feeling that the magnitude of their success is what it is now? Does one know or don't know? Is the feeling innate or is it just a fantasied outcome driven by egoistic ambition for mass validation?

The good thing however, was how honest about himself he was with me. So much so that he relates me to his counsellor or shrink. One of the other things that we talked about was that his "fear of rejection", (code word for ego) has reduced him to someone who most often tends to talk to guys who he think are less better looking that he is.

In which I told him that he owes it to himself to turn the entire superiority complex around by deliberately doing the thing we are afraid of. Because what we normally fear is what we need to do the most. So if rejection is what you fear, you need to go get rejected massively in order to release yourself off your issues and fears.


Friday was a profile who contacted me via Gaydar and who looked like he could still be studying in school. Personally, I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy because firstly, he didn't have a phone number. And secondly, what if he turns out to be a minor? I could get arrested.

However the check box that swayed me to agreement was the fact that we have been communicating for a few weeks, and he uses his personal email where I saw his name. So I decided to put some faith in the guy and decided to meet up with him at the rooftop terrace of a pub in the afternoon. 

He writes for politics and I'm guessing that due to the nature of his interest and scope of work, he seems really intelligent when he talks. To the point where I felt so clueless because I feel I didn't have the right kind of smarts that is needed to survive in the world that we live in.

Surprisingly he is a couple of years older than I am. Although I must say that he exudes a very kid-at-heart vibe. Which provided me with greater clarity as to what kind of guys are out there and what would work or not work. There were moments where I got bored because of his constant dwelling on political subjects, but a good conversationalist is also a good listener who takes every opportunity to learn from the other so I did.

To cut a long story short, we spent the entire afternoon hanging out together and then said goodbye in the evening with a kiss. We kept in touch and wanted to arrange for a possible sex date to happen one day, but unfortunately I was more interested in hanging out with him for company than for fun.

We met up again after two weeks at a bar where after two bottles of Pinot Noir, he was literally not his usual composed self and I just couldn't feed any more wine into my own stomach. He bought us a third bottle and I immediately knew I had to send us both on our way. I needed to end this date before it gets out of control, and I was not in the mood for out of control that day. 

So after getting us to finish whatever residual wine there was left in our glasses from the half-filled third Pinot NoirI hid the bottle in my laptop bag and began the process of ending the date. I had to put on a sensible act too because he was too tipsy to be rational. He kept kissing me in public too at random intervals, trying to convince me to go to the sauna with him where we can have sex. I obviously declined and we both left things as they were while at the bus stop, and also in a couple of emails after.


Saturday was a candidate from Jack'd who was first mentioned in this post. He was the guy who couldn't make it to meeting me in the evening due to his gym commitments. For weeks we have been keeping in touch, but never got around to arranging a coffee date. 

So after many back and forth messages, and finally getting him to feel comfortable with who I say I am, we met up in a very quaint café on a rainy late Saturday afternoon in Potts Point. Oh my God, what a nice and elegant neighbourhood!

The guy was an American lawyer living in Australia. His southern hemisphere headed journey towards getting himself to settle on the continent was a challenging one, and one that took more than a decade to plan. He reminds me enormously about my own desires of wanting to attain true international freedom and independence for myself to move around in the world.

I was particularly touched by his story when the topic of our conversation hovered on  the subject of partnership and romance. I couldn't recall if it was his first or second relationship, but one of his long term partner from the States had a tumultuous battle with cancer for eight years. The entire ordeal started off with a nasty tumour that they fought together for years. But unfortunately in the end, sickness after sickness, surgery after chemo, his partner didn't survive and he passed away.

He told me that he was no stranger to death as it claimed the lives of a sibling when he was young. However this incident involving his partner shook him hard and engendered a long struggle with depression and emotional defeat. I remember clearly in his own words he said to me that his thirties were known as the cancer years. "It was cancer cancer cancer all the way. Then career, then cancer cancer cancer."

Listening to him, I said: "You know, I would just like to let you know that I am deeply humbled by your story and have great respect for you. Because not many people can say that they stayed with their partner through such suffering and tragedy. But you stayed with the guy and supported him throughout. Really, I am just speechless."

"Why? Wouldn't you?", he asked and I knew that this is a difficult question where it forces me to think about my own level of humanity, capacity for loyalty and also the concept of selfishness that plagues us all as human beings.

"To be honest... As somebody who has never experienced 'consuming love', or at least a great partnership of your level, I would have to say that at this point, I really don't know. I don't know what my heart is capable of, and it wouldn't feel right for me to speak of cancer theoretically like it was a piece of cake, in front of somebody who had to go through all of it.

"But you know, I am extremely grateful for everything you've just shared with me. I mean, listening to your story, it really does kind of put people like me in my place and render a lot of our worries and issues obsolete.", I chuckled and he smiled.

"Anyway, how are you now? Have you found your peace?", I asked.

"I'm better. Much better now. A while back, I was just in ruins. My friends, my family and people around me were completely exhausted and maxed out. They had to listen to me talk about cancer and everything else that happened. They were so sick of it. Supportive but sick," he says in a reminiscing smile.

By the end of the conversation, I knew that this good old-fashioned guy really means business when he said that he is somebody who is not after casual sex on Jack'd but rather true quality meet-ups. It was a little anticlimactic for me not being able to enjoy the chiseled gym body I know this candidate has, but the meet up with him and what I took away from his story was more than what I could ever ask for when meeting random guys. And especially one that comes out of Jack'd.


  1. I don't know if you are looking for a relationship, or just enjoy meeting lots of guys. Nothing wrong with either. But I have always had a feeling based on my own experience that what works best in terms of finding a partner is to meet outside the gay venue and become friends first. If you have an interest that you are passionate about, you can easily make friends with others that have the same interest. Then you already have something in common. Develop some interests and cultivate others who are like minded.

    1. Hi Andrew, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for actually to be honest. I'm just trying to meet people along the way as I go.