About 2 weeks back, I exchanged numbers with a cute guy on Grindr named B and have kept him on my contact ever since. Yesterday on a late Sunday afternoon, I made my way into this particular area of the city centre to meet him for coffee, even though I wondered to myself if it was such a good idea to hang out in the same place again after all the depressive feelings it gave me.
The place was packed, but I found a table and waited with fidgeting hands for him to arrive. I was a little nervous at how the evening was going to turn out. I know we were meeting as acquaintances, but deep down, I held on to the possibility of making out with him even though I was prepared for nothing to happen.
B arrived and I stood up to shake his hand. He was every bit as attractively good-looking, and as masculine as his pictures. Although what was recognisably gay about him were his subtle gestures, way of speech, body language and Topman-inspired style of dressing. But even so, the whole package was physically attractive.
As a gentleman who offered to buy him coffee, I finally returned to the table with our drinks in hand feeling slightly more confident. He intimidates me very much because not only was he 4 years my junior and attractive, but he also commands a certain air of maturity around him.
I told him that because of his good-looks, I was betting on not getting a reply the first time I reached out to him on Grindr. He laughed and said everybody tells him that. Throughout the 4 hours that we sat down together, the conversation revolved mainly around me getting to know him. He is openly out to his friends but not his family.
I felt a strong sense of inferiority within myself when he talked about the many gay experiences he's had. Whether its gay friendships, gay relationships, going to gay clubs, sexual encounters, gay parties and also how in touch he was with gay life. I even learnt a few tips from him on what to look out for.
What amazes me was the positive way he turned out as a guy who went through an abusive childhood mainly from his alcoholic father who passed away couple of years ago. I asked him where he stood in regard to sadness and if he ever had a problem with his homosexuality. His answer was never because he has always been comfortable with who he was and started to explore the moment he turned 18.
He explains that he prioritises himself first and is generally a very happy person who doesn't seem to have one depressive gene in his body. He also mentioned about his past failures and his weight-loss journey to attractiveness, which started getting him a lot of attention not just from other gay guys and straight girls, but also propositions for part-time modelling gigs.
He said despite it all, he doesn't feel that he's good-looking. I went on to reaffirm that he was and asked if he enjoys the attention. He said he certainly enjoys it but doesn't believe in it. I was quite amazed by how this guy continues to maintain a very humble and down-to-earth personality. In addition to that, he told me that he's actually a very shy and passive person at heart.
Through my years of growing up around people, I have come to develop an accurate sixth sense-like feeling when it comes to gauging someone based on their genuineness. And surprisingly after everything we talked about, I realised that he is unmistakably a very nice guy at heart who is attractive in body and in personality. I felt the familiar arrows of inferiority and insecurity pierce through me as I tried to ignore the pain.
After about 3 hours of observation, it struck me that we didn't really talked much about me and that he didn't really bother to ask questions too. There were many intervals throughout our conversation in which I waited for him to do so, but he just sat there comfortably in silence and in cool.
A part of me tells me: Nah it's okay, it doesn't matter. His young, passive... Probably isn't very interested in asking an older guy about his life. But then another part starts to tell me: Wait a minute, that still doesn't feel right. Is something wrong? Better pay attention to what it means and the signs life is sending you!
During the last hour of us finishing up our coffee, he started to point out the guys who have been giving him eye-contact to me. On one hand I was fascinated as an observant, but on the other I felt a little left out.
I curiously asked why doesn't he reciprocate the eye-contacts by approaching them head on and saying "Hi". He said it's not his style and plus, he doesn't like being invited to the toilet for some sexual fun. I mentally wrote a note to myself and immediately jettisoned whatever make-out ideas I had with him in my head.
The interesting part of our hang out was when he proceeded to identify every gay guy that started to pass us by. As somebody who has never been with another gay guy who does that, I enjoyed it immensely because I felt it was a practical lesson for me in gaydar development. An old guy with giant biceps worthy of concrete columns walked past and he commented: "See that one is obvious man!"
"Hell yeah! Is that because of his age and the ridiculous size of those guns?", I asked. "Yeah definitely!", he replied and we both laughed. Gradually, he also started to notice some of the guys he has seen on the gay apps and proceeded to point out those who have previously tried to sent him messages. That's quite a number of guys, I thought to myself.
His Grindr has been on all along and he starts showing me a couple of guys that have been messaging him ever since he arrived in the area. A good-looking guy from Australia within close distance has been talking to him, but gave B some lame excuse when he was asked to come by and say hello. I felt envious of the attention he commanded and wondered if I will ever get the same treatment.
At the thought of challenging myself to see where I stood, I decided to use the wi-fi and launched my gay apps. Initially I didn't realise it at all, but suddenly my eyes were telling me that the table behind us were all gay too.
"Yeah! They all are. It's so obvious!", B reconfirmed the 3 guys behind us, along with 4 other guys that were seated at the table next to us.
"Wow, you knew this all along? I wasn't even aware of it until the moment I just told you!", I said.
"Yeah they all reacted big time when they saw me using Grindr on my phone! I think they're using it now too!", said B. I took a glance and all of them at the table were indeed engrossed on their phones.
"Hey, one of the guys just sent me a message! Is this picture him?", B showed me the profile picture that was on his screen. I took another glance at the table behind and nodded my head.
"Which one of the 3?", B asks. I said the one with the green cap but proceeded to comment on how masculine he looks in the picture in contrast to his real life mannerisms.
"Hey I think they recognise our profiles. They're currently giggling among each other as they look over to us", I said impassively.
"Hahaha, well they could just turn around and say 'Hi'!", B replied with a subtle roll in his eye. "We're right behind them."
After a while the guys around us left. B was still enjoying the attention he was getting on Grindr. I unfortunately wasn't having much luck. I sent the same Australian guy a message but never got a reply. In fact, his profile disappeared from my grid after a few minutes which meant that there was a possibility that he blocked me. That hurt but I tried not to dwell on the feeling.
The time was close to 8pm and B had to leave. So we shook hands, gave each other a hug and he left while I stayed back to see if there was a chance of me getting lucky. A French guy got in touch, but halfway through he left me hanging.
After that, a few other guys did the same too which dug out annoying frustration in me. I continued to exchange more messages with a couple more guys whom I found attractive, but nothing concrete seemed to materialise.
Then my mind started to turn destructively on itself as I compared the attention B was getting in comparison to me. I could have easily believed that it has nothing to do with me as a person or how I look or whatever, but my self-esteem took a negative dip and I started to feel very depressed sitting alone in public.
"Christ, look at you M. You know this would happen and you knew that hanging out here would depress you. Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? You're pathetic! You're just sitting around like a puppy, messaging every attractive guy on the apps and just waiting for them to respond to you in a non-lackadaisical way when you don't even have enough respect for yourself not to be affected by it. Why do you try so hard? Why have you become so consumingly desperate? And for what?"
After the voice gave it's input, I wondered if this horrible feeling was life's way of trying to teach me something that I have yet to realise. I suddenly felt an intense surge of anger and frustration. I left the coffee house to take night walk in the opulent city park, hoping that I would calm down.
As I walk, I saw that the whole world within the area was so happy. It made me feel like the loneliest guy on Earth in this skyscraper dotted park. I felt lost and I felt sad. I thought about my career, my happiness, and the many aspects of my life that is unfulfilled and struggling to play catch-up.
I lifted my head and looked up to the sky without knowing what I was doing. I looked up with a constricted heart, wondering if there truly was a "presence" who could see me now? Does he or it know who am I and what I'm going through? Does he or it care about the person and the pure-hearted boy that I am, and does that make a difference?
As those sentiments coursed through my veins, I felt a tingling burn in my nose and I started to cry as I walk. Through the trees, past the children's playground, past the lake, across the bridge, past the crowds, past the lovers, wiping my tears discreetly through it all. After completing a big round around the park, I headed for the train station to go home.
45 minutes later, the train I was in approached its final platform and I suddenly welled up again in the midst of my thoughts, but held back because I was in public. As soon as I got out of the station, I walked in fast strides towards the car because my eyes were already flooded with the second batch of tears.
As I got in and shut the doors, I sat there for a blank eerily cold moment of silence. Then I felt the heat build up again in my nose and this time, I started to weep. I wept, and wept, and wept in the driver's seat like somebody who hasn't had a good cry in a long time.
I was sobbing so hard against the steering wheel for all the things and emotions that seem to have expanded inside of me. My inferiority, my insecurity, my sense of worth, my self-loathing, my lost of direction in life and everything else that is troubling me.
After the long cry, I finally stopped, calmed down and cleaned myself up. As logic made its way back into my head: "Wow. Feels much better now. Jee, I hope that was it. What the hell was that? Gotta stop being a baby and move on."
I started the ignition and took a slow drive home. I avoided my Mom and headed upstairs to take a hot shower. As I laid in bed, I instinctively opened my tab to write all of this down. But I was just too exhausted with my emotions that I chose to go to bed and come back to write this the next day when I feel more recharged with a clear head.
B arrived and I stood up to shake his hand. He was every bit as attractively good-looking, and as masculine as his pictures. Although what was recognisably gay about him were his subtle gestures, way of speech, body language and Topman-inspired style of dressing. But even so, the whole package was physically attractive.
As a gentleman who offered to buy him coffee, I finally returned to the table with our drinks in hand feeling slightly more confident. He intimidates me very much because not only was he 4 years my junior and attractive, but he also commands a certain air of maturity around him.
I told him that because of his good-looks, I was betting on not getting a reply the first time I reached out to him on Grindr. He laughed and said everybody tells him that. Throughout the 4 hours that we sat down together, the conversation revolved mainly around me getting to know him. He is openly out to his friends but not his family.
I felt a strong sense of inferiority within myself when he talked about the many gay experiences he's had. Whether its gay friendships, gay relationships, going to gay clubs, sexual encounters, gay parties and also how in touch he was with gay life. I even learnt a few tips from him on what to look out for.
What amazes me was the positive way he turned out as a guy who went through an abusive childhood mainly from his alcoholic father who passed away couple of years ago. I asked him where he stood in regard to sadness and if he ever had a problem with his homosexuality. His answer was never because he has always been comfortable with who he was and started to explore the moment he turned 18.
He explains that he prioritises himself first and is generally a very happy person who doesn't seem to have one depressive gene in his body. He also mentioned about his past failures and his weight-loss journey to attractiveness, which started getting him a lot of attention not just from other gay guys and straight girls, but also propositions for part-time modelling gigs.
He said despite it all, he doesn't feel that he's good-looking. I went on to reaffirm that he was and asked if he enjoys the attention. He said he certainly enjoys it but doesn't believe in it. I was quite amazed by how this guy continues to maintain a very humble and down-to-earth personality. In addition to that, he told me that he's actually a very shy and passive person at heart.
Through my years of growing up around people, I have come to develop an accurate sixth sense-like feeling when it comes to gauging someone based on their genuineness. And surprisingly after everything we talked about, I realised that he is unmistakably a very nice guy at heart who is attractive in body and in personality. I felt the familiar arrows of inferiority and insecurity pierce through me as I tried to ignore the pain.
After about 3 hours of observation, it struck me that we didn't really talked much about me and that he didn't really bother to ask questions too. There were many intervals throughout our conversation in which I waited for him to do so, but he just sat there comfortably in silence and in cool.
A part of me tells me: Nah it's okay, it doesn't matter. His young, passive... Probably isn't very interested in asking an older guy about his life. But then another part starts to tell me: Wait a minute, that still doesn't feel right. Is something wrong? Better pay attention to what it means and the signs life is sending you!
During the last hour of us finishing up our coffee, he started to point out the guys who have been giving him eye-contact to me. On one hand I was fascinated as an observant, but on the other I felt a little left out.
I curiously asked why doesn't he reciprocate the eye-contacts by approaching them head on and saying "Hi". He said it's not his style and plus, he doesn't like being invited to the toilet for some sexual fun. I mentally wrote a note to myself and immediately jettisoned whatever make-out ideas I had with him in my head.
The interesting part of our hang out was when he proceeded to identify every gay guy that started to pass us by. As somebody who has never been with another gay guy who does that, I enjoyed it immensely because I felt it was a practical lesson for me in gaydar development. An old guy with giant biceps worthy of concrete columns walked past and he commented: "See that one is obvious man!"
"Hell yeah! Is that because of his age and the ridiculous size of those guns?", I asked. "Yeah definitely!", he replied and we both laughed. Gradually, he also started to notice some of the guys he has seen on the gay apps and proceeded to point out those who have previously tried to sent him messages. That's quite a number of guys, I thought to myself.
His Grindr has been on all along and he starts showing me a couple of guys that have been messaging him ever since he arrived in the area. A good-looking guy from Australia within close distance has been talking to him, but gave B some lame excuse when he was asked to come by and say hello. I felt envious of the attention he commanded and wondered if I will ever get the same treatment.
At the thought of challenging myself to see where I stood, I decided to use the wi-fi and launched my gay apps. Initially I didn't realise it at all, but suddenly my eyes were telling me that the table behind us were all gay too.
"Yeah! They all are. It's so obvious!", B reconfirmed the 3 guys behind us, along with 4 other guys that were seated at the table next to us.
"Wow, you knew this all along? I wasn't even aware of it until the moment I just told you!", I said.
"Yeah they all reacted big time when they saw me using Grindr on my phone! I think they're using it now too!", said B. I took a glance and all of them at the table were indeed engrossed on their phones.
"Hey, one of the guys just sent me a message! Is this picture him?", B showed me the profile picture that was on his screen. I took another glance at the table behind and nodded my head.
"Which one of the 3?", B asks. I said the one with the green cap but proceeded to comment on how masculine he looks in the picture in contrast to his real life mannerisms.
"Hey I think they recognise our profiles. They're currently giggling among each other as they look over to us", I said impassively.
"Hahaha, well they could just turn around and say 'Hi'!", B replied with a subtle roll in his eye. "We're right behind them."
After a while the guys around us left. B was still enjoying the attention he was getting on Grindr. I unfortunately wasn't having much luck. I sent the same Australian guy a message but never got a reply. In fact, his profile disappeared from my grid after a few minutes which meant that there was a possibility that he blocked me. That hurt but I tried not to dwell on the feeling.
The time was close to 8pm and B had to leave. So we shook hands, gave each other a hug and he left while I stayed back to see if there was a chance of me getting lucky. A French guy got in touch, but halfway through he left me hanging.
After that, a few other guys did the same too which dug out annoying frustration in me. I continued to exchange more messages with a couple more guys whom I found attractive, but nothing concrete seemed to materialise.
Then my mind started to turn destructively on itself as I compared the attention B was getting in comparison to me. I could have easily believed that it has nothing to do with me as a person or how I look or whatever, but my self-esteem took a negative dip and I started to feel very depressed sitting alone in public.
"Christ, look at you M. You know this would happen and you knew that hanging out here would depress you. Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? You're pathetic! You're just sitting around like a puppy, messaging every attractive guy on the apps and just waiting for them to respond to you in a non-lackadaisical way when you don't even have enough respect for yourself not to be affected by it. Why do you try so hard? Why have you become so consumingly desperate? And for what?"
After the voice gave it's input, I wondered if this horrible feeling was life's way of trying to teach me something that I have yet to realise. I suddenly felt an intense surge of anger and frustration. I left the coffee house to take night walk in the opulent city park, hoping that I would calm down.
As I walk, I saw that the whole world within the area was so happy. It made me feel like the loneliest guy on Earth in this skyscraper dotted park. I felt lost and I felt sad. I thought about my career, my happiness, and the many aspects of my life that is unfulfilled and struggling to play catch-up.
I lifted my head and looked up to the sky without knowing what I was doing. I looked up with a constricted heart, wondering if there truly was a "presence" who could see me now? Does he or it know who am I and what I'm going through? Does he or it care about the person and the pure-hearted boy that I am, and does that make a difference?
As those sentiments coursed through my veins, I felt a tingling burn in my nose and I started to cry as I walk. Through the trees, past the children's playground, past the lake, across the bridge, past the crowds, past the lovers, wiping my tears discreetly through it all. After completing a big round around the park, I headed for the train station to go home.
45 minutes later, the train I was in approached its final platform and I suddenly welled up again in the midst of my thoughts, but held back because I was in public. As soon as I got out of the station, I walked in fast strides towards the car because my eyes were already flooded with the second batch of tears.
As I got in and shut the doors, I sat there for a blank eerily cold moment of silence. Then I felt the heat build up again in my nose and this time, I started to weep. I wept, and wept, and wept in the driver's seat like somebody who hasn't had a good cry in a long time.
I was sobbing so hard against the steering wheel for all the things and emotions that seem to have expanded inside of me. My inferiority, my insecurity, my sense of worth, my self-loathing, my lost of direction in life and everything else that is troubling me.
After the long cry, I finally stopped, calmed down and cleaned myself up. As logic made its way back into my head: "Wow. Feels much better now. Jee, I hope that was it. What the hell was that? Gotta stop being a baby and move on."
I started the ignition and took a slow drive home. I avoided my Mom and headed upstairs to take a hot shower. As I laid in bed, I instinctively opened my tab to write all of this down. But I was just too exhausted with my emotions that I chose to go to bed and come back to write this the next day when I feel more recharged with a clear head.
I suppose your depression is the basic cause of your feelings of inadequacy, but I wonder if one way of alleviating them would be to have activities that don't involve guy-watching or messaging on apps other than Grindr and the like.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you do, and I just haven't noticed you writing about them. Anyway, if you have activities outside of work that you engage in for their own sake, they engage your mind in things other than introspection and feelings of frustration.
Thanks man. I know what you're saying, but I can't help myself... But I think this is something that I will have to go through personally in order to grow, and I'm sure it will get better in time. We'll see...
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