The Desperate Chase During My Weekends

It's drizzling here on a Sunday night and I am about to go to bed to wake up to another week in which I am not even sure leads to where I'm supposed to go. So before today ends, I am going to write about what I've been putting myself through for the past weekends.

I think I'm at a phase where I spend a ridiculous amount of time cruising guys through gay mobile apps. I am literally on it all the time! Either I delude myself to believe in diligent fishing, never giving up hope, never closing the medium to which possibilities may come, or I am in reality just a plain desperate soul craving to experience emotional excitement.

Maybe because I've recently been feeling so mundane with my daily routine of going to work and then going home to my family that I felt the need to refuel myself with the determination of 2011 & 2012 in trying to develop more gay experiences outside of my comfort zone.

Friday

As Friday approached, I cruised long and hard. I was supposed to meet up with an American expatriate I've been WhatsApp-ing for weeks now. However, due to some misunderstanding, bad communication or bad timing, he was just being difficult and we couldn't reach a compromise. 

From my side the key words went something like: 

"Let me know if your plans are cancelled or if you can make it. - I'm sorry for the miscommunication. - Rain check if you're busy. No worries. - I'll still be here till 12.30am if you change your mind."

And from his side it went something like:

"I thought we were supposed to? - Bye then. - You're odd. - You mentioned rain check 4 times. - It seems as if that's what you want. - Forget about it. Bye."

Even though I was in the company of a close friend throughout the whole night, I told myself to forget about him and let it go. It's not worth it and it wouldn't help if I just kept forcing things that are beyond my control. Was he being a princess? Was it him or was it me? Why the hell does it take so much effort just to arrange a meeting?

Saturday

Because my Friday night plans failed, I spent the whole Saturday afternoon, evening, night and midnight effortlessly chatting guys up, hoping to land at least one meet-up or foreplay fun if not the real thing. I sent out messages everywhere, like how a jobless person for 5 years would with his résumé.

I invited the same close friend to hang out together while I continued fishing over coffee because to a certain extend, I am feeling very tired of being stagnant. Truth is I'm not willing to just grab any guy, but then again I reek of desperation as I try to adjust my minimal standard. It's very unattractive and pathetic I know.

One memorable candidate on Grindr even asked for my face picture and immediately told me he needed to go to bed after I gave it to him because "it's late". Wow. 

I went to bed that night at 3.30am, thinking how many more Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays will I be grooming myself to look good, wearing fresh Calvin Klein underwear, brush my teeth, spraying all that cologne and putting quality condoms in my pocket just to march home again, telling myself as I sigh: "Oh well..."

Sunday

After two disappointing days, I was just so drained by the fact that I was getting no where and that the online cruising world is such a shitty place. At moments like these, I truly realised how much I appreciate J and the Elder Irishman for everything that they are and have been to me. Really, from the bottom of my heart I feel grateful.

I then finally got in touch with 2 guys I've been texting for weeks now. One is not necessarily good-looking, but he's athletically fit in his late 30s or early 40s. As usual, I was pushing very hard for a sex date with him. But somehow there was just not enough momentum from both parties and nothing positive materialised. I know that although my aim was to have sex with this guy, but something in me told me that I was more interested in meeting the other guy I've been texting called E.

When the sex date arrangements failed, I reprimanded myself in my head: "Jesus M, what is this? What are you doing? You spent the entire weekend, running around the city like a crazy person, trying to look for what? Affection? Sexual experience? Validation? All for what? Just so that you know how it finally feels to catch up on those closeted years and put them all behind you?"

I pondered to myself: "Is it really me or am I just looking in the wrong pool? Well then what the fuck is wrong with all the gay guys in this country? They're just unworthy." Finally, after much craziness and all that train wreck on my part, plans to meet up with E fell through, in which I'll do a recount in the next post.

If They're Straight, They're Straight!

It's my day off so thought I'd write down some thoughts. My mom recently verbalised that I tend to live in a world of my own. No matter how much I try to delude myself, I can't deny that what she said is indeed the underlying truth to my life.

I recently attended my company's corporate Futsal event and was surrounded by dark, tanned, and sweaty well-built athletic men. Not all of them are necessarily good-looking, but the fact that they're half-naked and drench in virility over a variant of football just magnifies whatever lack-of-love-from-a-man desire I was feeling.

As I wandered and mingled my way through the crowded sports complex, I came across many of the guys who piqued my interest. Now what brought on the next epiphany, was my instinctive behaviour of how I tend to absent-mindedly gaze at them in a way that only a guy would do to a girl he fancies. 

For many years now, this has been the story of my life and my targets just never seem to notice me or even the slightest attention I have on them. Which brought on this conversational discussion I had with myself in my head.

Me:

"M, look. Just look. Use your damn eyes and let's be honest with ourselves. What do you see?" 

Me:

"I see that I'm looking at them, talking to them, smiling at them, paying attention to them. But they're not responding and they actually don't care about my presence."

Me:

"So what does that tell you then? Come on. You're a smart guy, don't tell me you can't figure simple things out. Let's think about it for a second and take you as an example. For years, you've been doing whatever it is that you're doing and constantly putting in so much effort and attention towards guys. Why is that?" 

Me:

"It's because I love them, I'm interested in them, I wanna be with them, be loved by them. I harbour crushes for them and I idolise them! Oh I don't know, a million inexplicable reasons?"

Me:

"Do you think this feeling is sometimes beyond your control?"

Me:

"Yeah actually I do. I don't know why I feel this way... I mean, I didn't ask to feel this way. But yet, I just feel it. I can't justify why these guys have such an effect on me. It just comes from within. Can't help it, I'm human."

Me:

"Exactly! So if they were looking for something similar or were in any sense 'gay' with an instinctive behaviour that comes from within, wouldn't they be acting or reciprocating in a way that you are now unconsciously and instinctively doing? If they're straight, they're straight! End of story, nothing more."

Me: [sigh...]

It was a partial self wake-up call, but also a fate in life I think I have to accept if I'm ever going to move on. This whole conversation made me wonder if my past experience in trying to deal or cope with my constant falling in love with guys such as him, him, him or him, was because I believed and couldn't let go of the self-conjured, painted, crafted, created, whatever image or fantasy of them in my head?

Rather than honestly perceiving things, people and characters for what they really are, I allowed my flimsy self to be carried away with thoughts and hopes of the very guys that are capable of bringing out the inner crazy lovesick teenager living in me that has come to be my dilemma.

Damn, they're straight and you're a guy who's attracted to other guys in a straight world. They're straight. There's nothing more and there's no way they will ever break convention to respond to you. Move the fuck on and get on with life. 

You know I can't help but wonder if this realisation from this point foward, will go on to teach me how to cope smarter with my gay thoughts and feelings in a straight world?

The Guy Who Gave 4.055 Points

I am not about to start focusing on minor stuff, but this is just too good of a story not to share as part of my ongoing journey. Yesterday a guy on Grindr said "Hi", so I responded. After a couple of one-word exchanges, he finally asked for a clear face picture. Truth is I wasn't really that interested, but I showed him a face picture anyway because, oh I don't know I'm a fool who believes in being broad-minded?

Guess what was his response to me? "4.055 pts" and then he stopped talking completely. Is that what his damn profile meant when it read: average<8.066 pts... sorry not interested, saying this cos don't wanna hurt you. Wow, I did not understand that.

"Is this guy fucking kidding me?" My jaw dropped as I hung electromagnetically after being doused in such ludicrousness. Damn, I really didn't know what to say. Heck I didn't even know if I was supposed to laugh because my heart was just cringing in sensation.

"Christ. 3 decimals? Does he give himself 2.099 pts then if I'm a 4.055? Is he mentally ill? Does he know that he's not even close to resembling the ideal man? Does he know that there are 6.4 billion people living in the world?" My mind was just flooded with sentences.

This dude is kind of funny and I'm thankful that he came into contact with me. One because he serves as a strong reminder of how I have to continue to rise above it all. Second, he makes me realise that I am actually platinum beyond points and it gives me hope that I will one day find the real thing.

12 Things Happy People Do Differently

You can't have 10 Things You Must Give Up To Move Forward without the rest of the series so here it is extracted from Facebook.

12 Negative Thoughts Holding You Back

You can't have 10 Things You Must Give Up To Move Forward without the rest of the series so here it is extracted from Facebook.