You Now Know

I remember seeing and registering a sentence in my head that best described one of the most important process one feels while growing up in life. And that is: 

"You now know it is not exactly how you thought it would be."

Is it Fair to "Cure" Homosexuality?

I've previously mentioned that even though I don't come from a Christian background, I am not somebody who isn't open to other belief systems apart from my own. Mom recently opened up to her ex-professional mentor about her children because it's been a while since they shared a meeting. Her mentor is a very strong Christian and as part of his exchange with Mom, he voiced out as a matter of fact about his concern on how homosexuality is not innate, but rather the belief of his teachings that it's the work of external spirits to have affected one's journey in life.

While having lunch, Mom told me everything she and her mentor shared. Particularly about the sacrament of Deliverance in which can only be administered if one truly believes that the cleansing of oneself will work by committing yourself entirely to Jesus Christ. I remained silent throughout listening because all I could think of was how I'm already halfway through accepting this part of myself that has been plaguing me for life. And now I have, for the lack of a better sentence, been given something as such to consider.

She: [observing]

"What's going through your mind? You seem so quiet."

Me:

"Nothing, I'm just... " 

"Well okay. Why are you telling me this all of a sudden today?"

She:

"Oh no. I'm just merely sharing the conversation I had with him yesterday. I don't mean anything. You're an adult, I can't tell you what or how to think."

Me: [silent]

Me:

"Okay before I speak out. Let's ask brother what he thinks." 

Me: [turning to my brother]

"What do you think? I'd like to have your input on this."

Brother:

"If you ask me what I think, I think that... ever since you came out to us last year, plunged into depression and everything, I actually think it's not that simple. Because, I saw what you really went through and I think this whole gay thing, is not something as simple as how the mentor just put it to be. It's very much more complicated than that!"

Me:

"I actually would like to know what you think Mom. You've been sharing everything but you didn't mention anything about your thoughts or how you feel about this. So what are your honest thoughts? Don't worry about my thinking because be rest assured that I am a stubborn person who has a mind of my own."

She:

"I just thought that maybe there might be no harm in giving it (Deliverance) a try. Being a mother who witnessed the pain and everything that you've put yourself through for being different, it hurts all of us. So as an eternal care-taker, you must understand me as somebody who will never give up on hope and the possibility of making things right." 

Brother:

"But look Mom, if it really is the work of 'spirits' as how they say it is, then M wouldn't have still been himself all this while! You wouldn't still be you if you know what I mean."

Me: [laughs]

"Wow that's a very logical argument. I certainly didn't think of it from that aspect."

She:

"Don't get me wrong. I am not asking you to 'do something'. I just think that maybe it wouldn't hurt to try it out. The worse that could happen is that things will still remain the same, although at least we could say that we've tried something." 

"But in any case, this sacrament would require you to fully embrace and accept Jesus Christ. We can't go ahead if you don't believe in it. He said that you gotta believe in it in order for it to work."

Brother:

"But look, if he tries it out, and it doesn't work, he's gonna feel even worse about this whole thing. He's going to feel horrible about putting himself through this again. It's actually not fair."

Me:

"Okay. Wanna know what I think?" 

"I feel kinda sad because... yesterday I remember thinking in consolation to myself in that I'm getting better at accepting things for what they are, and what has come to be that I am. But now, with you telling me these things a day after I felt a moment of peace? It feels like such a mean game from the upper level world."

"And I certainly don't believe in heating up conversations for the sake of it, but my burning question to you is uhm... What makes you think that I will now allow Christianity to solve a problem I've been praying to for years that OUR higher power cannot solve?" 

"Are we saying now, that what we've held sacred for so long throughout the past, is not divine enough?"

She:
"Yes, I did think about it in a way that you've just so accurately verbalised cause it makes sense. But then, I am also an exhausted soul who's loyal faith in recent years, have been shaken up that I start doubting the sacred figure that has been with me throughout life. I too am just human, trying to consider other options of finding solace. Maybe something will work out?"

Me:

"Then how come straight people don't have to be 'exorcised or cleansed off' these so called external spirits?"

She:

"Because they're normal! They don't have to! There's nothing wrong with being straight."

Me:
"Ah-hah! There!"

Although externally I was calm, but at that point my heart torqued so hard in tears beyond recognition on the inside because it was an unfair statement that came from somebody who has walked with me through my struggle.

Me:
"How can you say that? They're normal, they don't have to, there's nothing wrong with them. If you must go with that kind of thinking then I really have no realistic grounds on which to argue any more because people will never get it."

She: [thinking]

Me:
"Sometimes it's so weird to think that despite religion claiming to command the highest divine power in the world, but yet when it comes to real world issues and earth grounding problems such as homosexuality, they can't seem to solve it." 

"And so, it is at moments like these that I question the legitimacy of spiritual beliefs that are in existence today. I'm at a point in life whereby if you put me in shark infested waters, I just wouldn't know who or which God to call out to." 

"For the past 20 years, I've lived my life believing in a higher power. And that... if my heart is pure, I will be seen and will go on to triumph life in my own way. But now, everything around me just seems to be happening in a way to show me that real life is really not how our upbringing, our religion, our beliefs and our moralities seem to romanticise it to be."

"So therefore at this moment, I'll have to say that what we're hearing today does kinda sound ridiculous."

Brother:
"I think the same."

Me:

"Because I am real! What I go through in life and perceive in this human form is real. And so, for somebody who is living in the reality of the shoes, the circumstances and the experience that came with being different, I really can't help but truly wonder at this point, if it is genuinely so easy for the priest, pastor or whomever that is not burdened with this problem, to say Deliverance is, homosexuality is, people should or people is... "

"Because like I've said so many times before and will say it again, outsiders never have to know what it feels like to carry this with them through life. They go to sleep tonight, and will never have to wake up to a tomorrow that contradicts them." 

My First One-On-One | ❷

[ Previously on... My First One-On-One | ❶ ]

First thing he asked, lights on or lights off? I told him to decide and he plunged us into darkness in a comfortable way, leaving only enough light from the partially closed bathroom door to illuminate our features. Even though I had body issues and probably preferred to foreplay with our shirts on, our clothes gradually came off stage by stage. 

I was a little thankful that the lack of light contributed to partially eclipsing my insecurities. I was just very aware of the fact that I have nothing to distract or cover up my flaws now, and that the truth of what they are, what my body is, is 100% in motion. I was certainly having the insecure ceremony in my own head, but then I told myself it wouldn't be logical for me to bring that baggage in here and let the issues spoil this "hard earned" present moment.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

My First One-On-One | ❶

After meeting E on Sunday, he hinted with a text that we could both hang out when we're free. So yesterday on a Monday night, he invited me over to his place for cuddles. "Oh. This could be it", I thought to myself. After teaching myself about gay life for about a year and a half, I could probably predict how this meeting was going to turn out.

I liked the idea of him seeing me in my formal work clothes because I look good. So I left the office later than usual, went home to freshen up, brush my teeth, sprayed some cologne and drove to his place. Although my heart was probably pounding about an hour ago, but somehow I don't know where I drew the inner calm to feel unusually normal. Perhaps it's because I managed to convince myself mentally that sex or no sex, gay or no gay, just carry yourself like how you would with other normal straight guys. "Lucky I was wearing my nice-looking Calvins!"

I arrived at his home and talked to him like any normal guest would when you enter somebody's house for the first time. You ask about the furniture, comment about his interior space and talk like how you would. We settled side by side on a couch in front of the television and I thought to myself, "Okay... I have a very strong feeling about what we both want. But damn it. What now? How are we to go about it?" 

Then I recalled all that I've read pertaining to body language and also to sit in a way that would encourage touch and skin contact. Memories of how I behaved at the gay sauna last year came back to help make it all easier for me to be a man about this. All the porn, the gay movies, the blogs, the stories and the Googling I did. I lightly touched his shoulder and neck and he instantly responded to cuddle me. "There we go! We've broken the ice!" I smiled to myself on the inside.

As soon as we embraced, his fragrant body scent unconsciously drew out the words: "Do you like kissing?" from my mouth. And before I could register what I just asked, our lips were sealed together in contact and I was finally smooching an attractive guy for real. My head was just scrolling with sentences!

"Oh my god. It's happening. I am finally kissing a guy I am attracted to. Man, he smells good. His lips taste and feels amazing. I have been waiting to experience this for so long! Since starting Gay & Invisible, since 2 years ago, since high school, since forever! Fuck, I am going to savour this."

The kissing was extremely enjoyable and I loved every second of it. We would alternate upper and lower lips with occasional nips initiated by me. He would suck on my tongue, cup his lips against mine, inhale deeply and just smooch. I could feel his breath, smell his scent. The rhythm,  the force and the flow, our mouths were basically complimenting each other so well that it was an amazing make-out. And although I have no experience, but I'd say I'm pretty good for a first timer with another kisser who certainly knows his stuff.

After a while, he suggested taking things to his bedroom and I went along with the flow. "Wow. I can't believe this is actually playing out in a way that I've read them to be, on blogs, in movies and in books!"

[ To Be Continued... My First One-On-One | ❷ ]

When Something Falls On Your Lap

I have a lot of therapeutic writing to do for myself. I think it was on a lazy Sunday afternoon when I first made contact with E via Grindr. He was there in his blur thumbnail and I was a frustrated werewolf nearing the end of a full moon without having bitten anyone. It is stated from the last post that I've been spending the recent Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays cruising compulsively. By the end of each day, I am drained and exhausted from all the talking, coaxing and pushing without anything materialising. My face and spirit would resemble a teenager who didn't make it to the basketball team.

I take pride in usually being a gentlemen when chatting to other guys, but on that particular Sunday I just couldn't help myself for being in such an abrupt dictatorial mode. I was very upfront with my request as I told E that I was serious about finding someone to have fun with that evening. And would appreciate if he to put it in literal sense, didn't waste my time. After a couple of face picture exchanges and persistent pushing on my part, he went along with the flow. But in the end, I chose to see a friend who wanted to hang out for coffee versus going to meet up with him at his place.

Then after about 2 to 3 weeks of here and there, I found myself juggling between arranging a sex date with a middle-aged athletic man in his 40s, and inviting E to meet over coffee on a Sunday evening. I think I said something like, let's give each other a chance and you'll get to decide how it all ends or turn out. E was reluctant and I could sense that it was because he feared that I would turn out to be a disappointment. I am not going to lie and say that a part of me wasn't nervous or worried too, but I'm just really tired of not coming into contact with anything new that I'm willing to give things a try.

E finally came into the coffee house accompanied by another friend who also looked stylishly good. Our hands touched as we exchanged pleasantries and somehow my eyes just couldn't get used to seeing E in flesh because he is now a 3 dimensional entity complete with a manly aura. 

Although E was the star of this meet up, but my attention also went partially to his sharp looking friend. It definitely takes a while to gauge but as my vision adjusted, I realised that E is more of my kind of guy. He's kinda hot and pleasantly good-looking in his own way. He gives me the confidence to believe that camera lenses just never do justice to real flesh and blood.

So we talked and got to know each other like two mature adults over the café table. There was a moment in my head when I was aware that I am actually sitting down and talking to real gay guys. I have indeed come a long way from kissing a guy for the first time in the Windy City and writing about my journey.

As we got to know each other more, I knew that the evening wasn't going to end up the way I hoped it would because of all the talking that brought out a pleasant sense of courtesy and respect for each other. His height, his shoulders, his arms, his body, his lips. I won't deny that I was rooting for some fun, but this meeting melted my heart a little. I think I could idolise this guy.

There was a point where E laid his hand briefly on my shoulder and I felt my heart fluctuate itself for an erotic second. He is not only an attractive 37 year old youthfully-28-looking guy, but one that is also firmly secure and positively happy about himself. And that intimidates me, so much. I thought there I was, the person behind Gay & Invisible, seated in the coffee house with two hotter looking and more established men, reminding me of everything I feared to be insecure about. Will I ever rise to their level in order to be good enough? I felt so tiny, so insecure.

The time to make a move came and we parted ways after a handshake. As I walked towards the basement car park, I felt so bummed. In the sense that I just want to crawl back into my hole and stay there forever because I was demotivated. I was an insecure person who idolise others. However, while in the midst of feeling a little bummed about how I'm truly lost and how I'm ever going to find my way, I just couldn't get E out of my head or the warmth I felt in my heart after the meeting.