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Friday 16 November 2012

A Thought About Belonging To Someone

Today while sitting at a coffee house, I was distracted by this cute good-looking guy sitting a couple of tables away. He was a blond with blue-eyes, enjoying his coffee with a group of female colleagues. One of them was probably his girlfriend, I don't know. Throughout the whole time, my eyes kept caressing his well defined, chieseled face. "I'd like to kiss and explore that face with my hands, my chin, my lips, my nose..."

As he stood up to make room for more people that came to join them, my eyes caught the silver ring that was glistening on the fourth finger of his left hand and thought to myself: "A wedding ring on a cute guy. Married! Of course he is." Then it reminded me immediately of a scene from the Brazilian gay movie: Do Começo ao Fim - From Beginning To End (2009) where the handsome character of Francisco placed a silver wedding ring on his male lover and also half-brother Thomás, before the latter left for another country.

At that moment without realising, I found myself staring into my own opened hands, palms up on the table, looking at the fourth fingers of both my right and left hand. I then closed my right thumb, index and middle finger over the base of my fourth left finger and fondled, while trying to imagine the feel of a hard silver ring there.

"Do you want to be married?", out of no where my brain registers the inner voice. Where is this coming from? After years of brainwashing myself that marriage might not be for me because of my parent's failed relationship, my fear of commitment, and the fact that I was going to harbour the secret of my homosexuality to the grave, I can't believe I'm finally pondering this question after 10 years of mental torment and living in the dark.

Me:
"Would you like to belong to someone? Would you like to put a ring on someone and have that someone put a ring on you?"

Me:
"Well for starters, it would be nice to truly belong to somebody you love. You wouldn't mind being 'his from across the table' or the handsome guy from that film. Think about it. It kinda means your lonely days and wandering search for a romantic companion is over. You're finally engaged and you can move on to building an adult life. A family with the guy you love! By filling up this hole in your heart, it would also allow you to concentrate on other things in life. Then maybe life wouldn't be so bad after all, and gloomy days like 'now' would be over and in the past?"

Another voice in my head interjects: "How dare you talk about love and finding another guy? I thought we agreed that because of never wanting to admit your homosexuality, you were going to be on your own in life and alone for the rest of your days?" 

After years of mind games, running away and brainwashing myself, could this be what I want at the end of the day or is it just typical thinking?

6 comments:

  1. Why do you assume that you'll end up alone forever just because you're gay? It doesn't have to be like that, you know? I think belonging to someone and have someone that belongs to us is the most important and beautiful thing in this life. At least for me it is.

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    1. Hi Raphaël, these are just mere thoughts that plague a growing person. I do agree with you that belonging to someone is a beautiful and very special thing. But then again everybody's life is different, and not everybody finds someone if you get what I mean.

      Nevertheless, I am truly glad things have been working out well for you. Sincerely, I do.

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  2. Hey there...im in my mid twenties ok maybe late twenties now...and have gone through all the same stuff your describing...at this point im feeling very low...I feel Im not advancing in work and.life due to the.fact im gay and closeted..im actually tired of.leading a fake life...but I guess its just a phase we go through rite....I used to b happy...now im just living...

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    1. Hey there, are things getting better for you? Considering how you've gone through a similar journey? Feel free to write to me: gninvisible@hotmail.com and tell me more. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to.

      Take care.

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  3. I don't think it is the easy way out. You SHOULD find someone you can be with and love body and soul, whether you are gay or not. But, you have to love yourself first. I went through all of this, was married to a woman. I am now married to the greatest, most handsome guy in the world. We have a wonderful supportive family. I hope you can find this.

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  4. How dare you talk about love and finding another guy? You're gay, and I thought we agreed that because of that, you were going to be alone in life and for the rest of your days?"


    Never ever think this. I know it is easier said than done. I am not big on relationships, but I have written a similiar post, about the future and I am coming round to the fact that I want to meet the right man, who will teach me about love and who I can really love unconditionally.

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