A Thought About Belonging To Someone

Today while sitting at a coffee house, I was distracted by this cute good-looking guy sitting a couple of tables away. He was a blond with blue-eyes, enjoying his coffee with a group of female colleagues. One of them was probably his girlfriend, I don't know. Throughout the whole time, my eyes kept caressing his well defined, chieseled face. "I'd like to kiss and explore that face with my hands, my chin, my lips, my nose..."

As he stood up to make room for more people that came to join them, my eyes caught the silver ring that was glistening on the fourth finger of his left hand and thought to myself: "A wedding ring on a cute guy. Married! Of course he is." Then it reminded me immediately of a scene from the Brazilian gay movie: Do Começo ao Fim - From Beginning To End (2009) where the handsome character of Francisco placed a silver wedding ring on his male lover and also half-brother Thomás, before the latter left for another country.

At that moment without realising, I found myself staring into my own opened hands, palms up on the table, looking at the fourth fingers of both my right and left hand. I then closed my right thumb, index and middle finger over the base of my fourth left finger and fondled, while trying to imagine the feel of a hard silver ring there.

"Do you want to be married?", out of no where my brain registers the inner voice. Where is this coming from? After years of brainwashing myself that marriage might not be for me because of my parent's failed relationship, my fear of commitment, and the fact that I was going to harbour the secret of my homosexuality to the grave, I can't believe I'm finally pondering this question after 10 years of mental torment and living in the dark.

Me:
"Would you like to belong to someone? Would you like to put a ring on someone and have that someone put a ring on you?"

Me:
"Well for starters, it would be nice to truly belong to somebody you love. You wouldn't mind being 'his from across the table' or the handsome guy from that film. Think about it. It kinda means your lonely days and wandering search for a romantic companion is over. You're finally engaged and you can move on to building an adult life. A family with the guy you love! By filling up this hole in your heart, it would also allow you to concentrate on other things in life. Then maybe life wouldn't be so bad after all, and gloomy days like 'now' would be over and in the past?"

Another voice in my head interjects: "How dare you talk about love and finding another guy? I thought we agreed that because of never wanting to admit your homosexuality, you were going to be on your own in life and alone for the rest of your days?" 

After years of mind games, running away and brainwashing myself, could this be what I want at the end of the day or is it just typical thinking?