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Sunday, 6 April 2014

When Will It Be My Turn?

For those who can still recall the early beginnings of my journey, would remember that it was my conversation with a divorced but successful man named R back in 2011 that jump-started the entire process of wanting to wake up from denial and face my homosexual fears head on.

R was first mentioned in a fifth entry of this journal titled 'The Day I Surrendered and Came Out to Myself' and then again in 'Coming Into Your Life For A Reason'. I regard him as a pivotal chance encounter who probably saved a young guy like me from going ahead with my choice of wanting to live through a "straight" life.

We never really kept in touch after going our separate ways on the pavement that night. I suppose my hounding him for sensitive answers in reference to my own battle with homosexuality probably did the trick. And also because I think our visions in life originate from opposing sides of the world. He was the good-looking and successful 50 year old gay man living in the free world, and I, the still dependent lost soul behind this journal in his twenties from the third.

R is an attractive guy for his age and there are moments where I sometimes wonder about the slight possibility of us getting together. I don't know how that's going to happen or if it'll work out but you can't really blame a guy for fantasising.

About a year ago, I sent him a nice gratitude card and added him on Facebook to try and make amends to the dynamics of how we saw each other. We got in touch for a bit, but nothing much happened after that. So I kept my distance out of respect, and he out of whatever reason he chooses. I wondered too at that moment if R found someone in his life and was happy? If so, I would be too for him.

While scrolling through my Facebook news feed the other day, my hunch was validated when I saw pictures of him and his boyfriend enjoying themselves on vacation in a beautiful foreign city. 

On one hand, I was genuinely happy for him that things are working out really well between him and his new guy. But on the other, I did feel a little envious of the whole package I was seeing. You know, R and his boyfriend. Lovers on holiday? It was a romantic dream of mine too which seems to be happening only to other people.

"Excuse me, whatever happens to other people, is none of your business", the inner interventionist intervenes with a smug on his face.

So after allowing myself to burn-off some I'm-human-too envy, I decided that I am not that person with the small heart. And that I am truly going to be happy for him and his new guy. For I really shouldn't, at the expense of not finding my own romance story, feel threatened that almost everybody around me has. So here's to R and his boyfriend. May they stay happy and in love together.

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