Remember What You Deserve

"Sometimes you must forget what you feel and remember what you deserve" - Unknown

Sex Date With a Hot Pure Top | ❷

[ Previously on... Sex Date With a Hot Pure Top | ❶ ]

This time, he kissed me while in the intimate Folded Deck Chair position and murmured: "Relax. Relax... Forget all distractions. Look at me, look into my eyes. Yeah that's i- Hey hey no! Don't look anywhere else. Just look at me all right? Don't take your eyes off."

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

Sex Date With a Hot Pure Top | ❶

A masculine guy with an amazing body in his mid-thirties reached out to me on Jack'd last week. When I checked out his profile, it was obvious that he's a popular top who holds the upper hand in replying only those who interest him. The fact that he initiated the conversation, gave me a slight boost to my self image.

His topless profile picture was so hot that I had to jerk myself off to it twice. I told him I liked what I'm seeing. Eventually over a period of about 2 days, we started exchanging messages which led me to an invitation to visit him at his place. I was in one of those risk-taking moods where I would jump at a sex date so I agreed.

I cleaned myself thoroughly and drove almost 34 kilometres onto an unfamiliar suburb on a late rainy night. When I arrive, I found myself in a dodgy neighbourhood. His dilapidated apartment complex was perched halfway atop a hill. I parked my car outside and called him. It was raining and dark so he decided to pick me up in his vehicle from the security entrance to his block.

He conversed with me in one of our cultural languages and it felt weird. For I have only ever 'fucked in English' so to speak, and the part of my soul that spoke that language rose to the operating surface. It felt like a different person, watching it carry himself.

We appraised each other from the corner of our eyes as the brief conversation rolled. It wasn't until he was unlocking his apartment door that we actually got a clearer look at each other under the bright fluorescent porch light. Yeah, the guy's hot. He's sex on legs and I'm about to experience him.

As I entered his home, the sight of his meagre living condition was no foreign to my eyes. I remember thinking that even though my parents gave me better access to things, I wondered for a moment if I will ever one day experience greater wealth on my own, or possibly live his life if I failed to make the right choices.

I requested to use the bathroom and he instantly directed me to the one in his bedroom. I borrowed some of his toothpaste and made sure I freshened up and smelled good. As I stepped out, he laid shirtless on his bed, watching TV in a prone position that resembled a crawling soldier. The sight of his tensile biceps, shoulders and alabaster back brought out the sexual predator in me.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

I Had A Black Dog, His Name Was Depression

I stumbled upon an impressive 4 minute video by the World Health Organization, explaining depression in the form of a black dog. Hope this might help some of you out there.

Don't Wait for the World to Recognise Your Greatness

"Don't wait for the world to recognise your greatness, live it and let the world catch up to you." - Unknown

Mail: A Guy's First Gay Experience in a Foreign City

About 2 weeks ago, I received the following email from a nice guy who was travelling.

His First Email: ❶

Hi man, I know this is probably gonna come across as really random, but I felt compelled to email you just to say - your blog is amazing. I came across it yesterday when visiting this foreign city, and realised my hotel was at the end of the 'gay village' (didn't realise such things existed). 

Being in the closet and having never done anything with a guy (I'm 22) I told myself as I was visiting alone that I had to at least go to a bar. That's when I Googled: 'going to a gay bar for the first time' and came across your blog. 

I have only read a few posts so far, but fucking hell! It resonates. It is such a relief to know that all the things going through my head are not unique.

I'll not bore you with the rest of the story, as I imagine you get loads of emails. But I just wanted to write and say thanks for sharing your experiences. Had given plenty of food for thought already, and is good to hear from someone else who has gone through the same stuff.

#  #  #

I sent him a reply, thanking him for his sentiments on Gay & Invisible. Apart from that, I have also asked him to tell me more about his journey.

#  #  #

His Second Email: ❷

I think I understand what you mean by it being a process or evolution, though I worry I won't progress. At present I'm at: So, I must be gay, but this is something that I will just have to live with - but no one can ever know. Somehow a lifetime of solitude seems more appealing than facing up to reality - I truly hope (but doubt) this is something I can overcome.

So in this foreign city, I built up the courage, and walked down the street in 'the village' looking for a bar that seamed:

1) Not too busy

2) Not too old

3) Not to sleazy

(might have been a tall order...)

I walked to the end of the street, and back. I couldn't do it. I hated myself. It can't be that hard? I thought being away alone would make me less nervous about these things, evidently not.

I got back to the hotel, and watched some TV.  I opened Grindr on my iPad. I don't use it in my country, but downloaded it for the trip as I thought it might be a good way to meet local people. In the capital city, I chatted with a few people, but nothing really came of it. A couple of guys wanted to go for drinks, but it never transpired.

I refreshed Grindr, and within a few minutes someone popped up with 'hey' he was the nearest person at 50 metres. He was incredibly cute looking, age 21 and just so fit. I had seen his profile earlier in the day (he was a few km away then) but thought, there is no chance.

He started messaging in French, and I thought 'for fuck sake, I don't speak a word of French'. I Google translated 'sorry, my french is bad' and he replied in English: Yes! 

After exchanging pics, he asked if I was top or bottom. Having never done either, it's hard to tell so I went with 'versatile', he seemed satisfied. I suggested we met for a drink and he said he was in a club but it was boring there and fancied going somewhere else, we arranged to meet outside the club in 10 minutes.

I walked down and waited outside. Within a minute he walked out the door, even better looking than his pic suggested. What was he doing meeting me? He was way out of my league. He asked if I wanted to go in the club or find somewhere else, I suggested we found a bar, and he said okay but just needed to get his jacket from inside. He walked back in to the club and I was convinced that was the last i would see of him.

A couple of minutes later he walked back out. We walked down the street and chatted. Eventually we walked in to a bar and I got us a couple of beers. We sat chatting, I still couldn't understand why he would be interested in me? He said he thought my accent was cute and playfully squeezed my leg.

After our drink it was late, so we left. Walking back towards the direction of we met, I started panicking internally. I would love to go back with this guy, but at the same time was really nervous. After about 5 minutes he said "So, your hotel is down there?" pointing ahead on the street we were walking. I replied yes and he said his house was just down another street. A moments silence. He said goodnight and told me to message him the next day. I walked back to the hotel alone.

It was only when I got back that I realised he might have been interested in coming back. I started to analyse the night and realised I missed a great opportunity. I was sort of gutted, but at the same time proud of having a) gone to a gay bar, b) met and had a drink with a cute guy, c) told someone I was gay.

This short encounter seems to have made my whole trip more positive, and has given me a great deal to think about.

As soon as I get back home I'm gonna work to get in to better shape, I need my self consciousness to be less of an issue. I am potentially in the states on a couple of occasions next year (have started attending a lot of conferences in my field of study) - perhaps that gives me a target.

But where this all leaves me in the bigger picture of, will I ever want to come out? Will I ever be rid of my 'internalised homophobia'? Can I come to terms with this and stop hating myself? I don't know.

Anyways, sorry this has been such a long email, just needed to get it off my chest and obviously cant tell any of my friends. Hope all is well with you?

#  #  #

My Reply to Him:

Please accept my apologies for the delayed reply. Had to juggle a few things that came all of a sudden. Anyway, I am touched by the story of your experience so far. You remind me very much of how similar we all feel when we're first trying to find some answers in regard to our sexual identity and where we stand.

The process is made even more daunting by the fact that we've been so sheltered in the closet and in the dark that it makes "taking the necessary steps" to re-align ourselves to the truth of what we are, who we are and the reality of the self-actualised person we're meant to be in life, seem overwhelmingly difficult.

Based on your story, I think you have inadvertently jump-started a journey and a learning process for yourself. One that is oriented towards digging out answers that were long overdue to your, and also gay experiences with other men that are crucial to your growth as a young guy coming to his enlightenment. And for that, I would like to offer you my sincere congratulations and to reaffirm how respectable and courageous you have been to yourself. It doesn't matter how silly you think it might be, but you did it and certainly deserve to be lauded.

I went through the same process as you did. Particularly the part where you tried to get yourself to go to a gay bar because I too was that person, pacing the entire street back and forth and not having the courage to walk in. But don't worry about beating yourself up too much if you failed the first time because apparently, you did visited one in the end with someone cute and had a couple of beers.

So like you said, you went into a gay bar (1), met and had a drink with a cute guy (2), and told somebody you were gay (3). That is already 3 achievements to feel proud of, and especially for someone on his first try! I'd say your luck is amazing for a first-timer. I am truly envious but at the same time happy that somebody else is doing well.

I understand what you mean when you mention how gutted it feels to have not read the signs and acted on it. To be honest, you're not alone. These "clueless" and "missed opportunity" moments have happened to me countless times because I was literally in the dark about how these things work.

I just wasn't aware of the signs, the body language, what was supposed to happen or if this is the part where the guy and me are supposed to kiss, have fun, have sex whatever. There was no way I could have seen it or read it because I was just inexperienced or uneducated in that aspect.

So even though you might have missed an opportunity to go further with the cute guy, but I actually think what came out of the entire experience, starting from the part where you initiated contact with him on Grindr to the point where you and him were standing in silence, was a lesson and a learning process for you. 

You were meant to go through the whole package, nerves and all, just as I did before in order to learn from it and to pay absolute attention to how the feeling tone of the evening was speaking to you and how you should respond. To help open your eyes and to become more aware of the body languages, the moments, the window of opportunities, the skills and the courage that are needed to pull a guy. 

But don't worry and don't regret a thing. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. Did you get his real contact number or email? Maybe you might meet each other again in the future for some fun or even a date? 

With regard to the further questions that are burning in your head such as: "Will you ever want to come-out?, Will you ever be rid of your 'internalised homophobia'?, Can you come to terms with this and stop hating yourself?" 

I think these are questions and thoughts that will continue to raise your level of self-awareness, so much to the extend that it will change and spur other actions of reformation within yourself. So don't worry about it to the extend that it becomes a counter-productive burden that dampens the self-actualisation spirit that is now happening within you. Go with the flow, and be with it as it comes. 

Because it's all part of the journey and the journey itself is a process. A real experience that I can vouch confidently will bring you answers and help you live better because that is what the Gay & Invisible Chronological Chart is trying to document. And so far, I think it has successfully proven that we all do go through similar checkpoints in our journeys to accepting ourselves.

So if an absolute non-entity like me can in some way share my experiences through the chart in order to give future guys hope, I'm sure you hold more capabilities within yourself to face those questions than you realise.

I apologise too for having written too much but I hope I have said the right things my friend. I feel honoured that you share things here with me that you feel you can't anywhere else, and for that I thank you. I thank you for helping me to realise how wide, understanding and open I have dreamt for this mailbox and site to hold. So don't feel sorry for letting it all out. It's my pleasure.

All the love and support in the world, M

#  #  #

I haven't heard from him since that last email, but I sincerely hope that he is doing well.

A Conversation About Identifying Family Patterns

Lately, my writing has been teetering off the edge of being horrible and I hate it. I feel it strongly myself so please bear with me as I continue to pull things out from head-to-journal without giving the elegant fluidity of the language much thought. I shall endeavour to try and write better.

Last week before heading out to my hometown, I went to see my psychiatrist. On top of the medication he prescribes for every visit, he counsels me now and each time, it does help me identify certain issues and things about myself that have been deeply embedded.

For example this week, he and I got to talking about my tendencies of being overly harsh and critical of myself in an unhealthy way. I have a habit of blaming myself when something doesn't go right, and I judge myself in a down-right negative way. He mentioned that it's okay to be critical of oneself, but as long as it's not self-destructive, and in my case, it could do more damage than it will aid my healing.

Me:

"You know what's weird about it? Is that I don't, know where it comes from. I don't know how, or when, or wha... I don't know how it sank into my system. Because I'm sure that with issues like this, it has got to come from somewhere right? Like your upbringing, your background, an event in your life or whatever."

He:

"Yes. And I'm sensing that your parents might have been strict or critical in their way. Or perhaps you probably grew up in an environment where people must have been critical of you, and not necessarily in a good way."

"Was there a lot of affirmation in your life? Do you get reaffirmed, for being who you are?"

Me: [long pause...]

Me:

"I guess there was no affirmation from my father because he's emotionally unavailable. But with my mother, I'd say yes. There were many times where I get affirmation for my choices and for doing what I wanted to do."

"But I think you know... because I am too sensitive, and my mother was so practical in her own way, and strict too in how things should turn out that the constant comparison with other people, criticism and pointing-out of problems or issues might have just dissolved whatever affirmation there was and became the thing I focus on. But speaking of this, why do you think it happens?"

He:

"Well it can be a lot of things but I mostly think it's the culture that we live in. The society. I too personally struggled with affirmation when I was your age and found my way out of it later on on my own in my adulthood."

After talking to him that day, my strong beliefs in a particular life coach's theory about people inheriting the patterns and pathologies of their families sky-rocketed. Particularly if you grew up in a family unit that already has a certain kind of mental or behavioural practice that partially led to you being who you are.

That very same afternoon, my close friend and I were on our way to spending some time in my historical hometown. During the long drive, I started to tell her a bit about my conversation with the psychiatrist that morning. Then, something struck me and I started to ask her.

Me:
"You know, there's actually something that I noticed about you ever since we were friends. I mean it didn't even really hit me until I started opening my mouth a while ago."

She:
"What is it? Tell me!"

Me:
"As we all know, I am a very emotionally expressive person. I express myself verbally, physically, emotionally and also in every other possible form. Which is why I hug, I kiss, I touch and I tell people I love them or I like them. I've always made an effort in letting important people know genuinely how I feel about them."

"And I think 'that' was a gift to me from my mother because she hugs, kisses, touches and playfully caresses us since we were kids. She tells us she loves us and she expresses her love through maternal touch. I realised that because I grew up being okay and comfortable with that, I used that on the people around me too and sometimes, they get weird about it because it's not them or their style."

"So I was wondering if your parents do that to you? You know... touch you, hug you and kiss you often. Or maybe constantly tell you all the time that they love you to your face?"

She:
"I see your point. This is good, so go on. And I think I know what you're getting at. "

Me:
"Because I realised that you're not very good at 'receiving' those gestures. I mean I've constantly told you I love you, I like you, I hold you in deep regard. I've even given you kisses, hugged you tight and held your hand, but each time, you always seem a little stiff, awkward or uncomfortable."

"It's like you have no idea how to respond and I end up thinking that it was me. But actually, now I realised that it's not me, but rather your lack of ability to you know... "

She:
"Yes M. I think you hit a very important point there. One that I didn't even realise until you finished that last sentence! And yeah, I think maybe it's because I didn't grew up with that and my parents have never expressed their love so openly and affectionately like your Mom does. They don't say 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you'. I know deep down as parents, they do feel those things, but they don't express it out.

Me: [laughs]
"No wonder. Bingo! Eureka moment for you!"

She:
"But listening to you talk about family patterns and pathologies, I'm now starting to worry if my children will grow up and inherit this lack of ability to receive affectionate gestures too. The hugs, the touch, the kisses, the verbal expressions... How can I change it?"

Me:
"I don't know... I'm no expert. But at least I'm happy to have helped you identify this issue. And maybe you need to start figuring out for yourself on how to embrace the things I talked about? Don't worry, we'll figure it out as we go along. We'll help each other out in our ways."