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Saturday, 6 December 2014

The Time I Met A German Man On A Rebound

This next guy I'm going to write about was a very interesting chapter that happened during my stay in this city. But somehow, thinking about him at this moment still brings out tiny emotions of confusion and emptiness due to the way my exchange with him ended. I'll elaborate.

Mid-week afternoon. There I was. Same coffee house, feeling restless, itching for a meet, started fishing on the gay apps on my phone. This pretty-looking man with a nice body from Jack'd reached out to me for a simple "Hi". After a couple of exchanges, the vibe I got was that he was looking for some fun. However, once I started to push for a meet to happen at his place that evening, he questioned me directly what were my intentions. Huh? Is he for real?

I said I am somebody who goes into a meeting without expectations. I like to meet guys and talk to them, get a sense of who they are and learn to enjoy the moment. If things go well, we can take it further from there, if not, it doesn't bother me too and I would still head home without regrets.

   "You happy with my answer?", I asked deliberately as a matter of factually with a smiley emoticon.
     "That's exactly my thought!", he replied enthusiastically.

Knowing that sex was not going to be the principal goal of the meet, I felt more at ease and could go into this date with a much more calm approach. Within a couple of hours, I was pressing on the intercom to his building and he buzzed me up. 

He lives in a nice location and a nice apartment. When I saw him in flesh, age has certainly roughened up his pretty face in a sexy and masculine way which I thought was kinda hot. But his use of a profile picture from his younger days on Jack'd once again made me ponder deeply about my own future, and what this common fear of ageing can mean to many gay men. Especially to those who are experiencing it now and to those who have come before me.

Immediately upon entering his space, my talkative mouth just started chattering itself away while he boiled us some water for tea. He has an amazingly comfortable and spacious couch that I just couldn't resist the idea of making myself feel at home in his living room.

Frankly, I've only stepped into his apartment for a mere ten minutes, but I could already see it in his eyes that he was completely fascinated and surprised by the friendliness and warmth that is currently standing in his apartment. Yes I call it friendliness and warmth, but maybe what it really was was just hyperactive energy and a lot of curious questions. Anyway if we can't trust what I see, at least trust my intuitive sixth sense for energy.

I can't recall the exact sequence of our conversation, but him and I are capable of talking about a wide variety of things. From German society and economy, to his current job search and recent break up with his ex-boyfriend. 

However, I think it was only revealed to me later during our fourth or fifth meeting that he loved his ex-boyfriend of Taiwanese descent insanely much, but the relationship had an element of deception and arrière-penseé to it in the sense that the younger partner was an incredibly smart but selfish guy who knew how to play his cards right. From what I gather, I was a little heartbroken to learn that his ex was reaping a lot of benefits from him. Financial or otherwise throughout the course of their relationship.

     "Weren't you aware at all of what was happening during the relationship? How did you let yourself go on when you knew what constituted the foundation? Did you see this coming?"

It wasn't only after I heard my own questions out loud that I realised, no matter how understanding or empathetic my tone of voice sounded, it was unfair of me, and that I actually hold no right to ask such difficult questions. Even if all I wanted were valuable relationship and human being lessons out of it.

Also at the back of my head, it started to sink in too that there are guys out there like his ex who are absolutely unafraid of their actions. I couldn't decide for myself I should think of them as indispensably clever in life, or just spiritually and morally bankrupt.

But the German guy did mention something later on about how he is willing to accept this experience of loss as some kind of returned karmic consequence for the behaviour of his younger self that resembled very much like his current ex.
"For those who use, will eventually be used?", I heard the voice inside myself ponder.

One evening, while we were playing this game called Lumosity on his iPad to challenge our brains, he would harmlessly reiterate at the fact that his ex was an intelligent guy who dominates this game. I think he might have meant it too in terms of IQ and academics. Which is why in the practical sense of survival in life, his ex performs well.

For a moment of insecurity, I thought about myself. On top of not possessing the practical smarts that many people seem to have, I feel that I am not clever enough to want to use people too for personal gain. "Am I on the right track staying the way I am? For sometimes, personal integrity and doing the right thing just doesn't really get you anywhere", I hear my inner self thought.

The German guy tells me too that he has recently been relying on this self-help book about happiness that he finds very useful in this period where he is still struggling to heal from his break. 

He would tease me jokingly about my passion for questions with statements like: "Is this interview over?" Or "Are you a psychologist?" Or "Oh wait, I need to write this down" which I find extremely playful and amusing. The guy does have some original sense of humour, and he's German. How interesting.

The initial plan was for us to have tea at his place for about an hour or so and then I'll head home to the simple chicken and rosemary waiting for me in the refrigerator. But surprisingly, the man decided to ask me to join him for dinner. I have to admit that it's always nice to have somebody further reaffirm the idea that they like your presence with requests like this.

    "I thought you already have dinner plans with your gay friend? He cooked dinner tonight and is expecting you isn't he?", I asked. 
    "No it's okay. I'm gonna call him and his boyfriend and tell them now I'll see them another day. I like being with you. You make me feel very comfortable."
      "Uh... Sure! I can eat with you."

We went out to a Vietnamese restaurant just a couple of blocks away. After dinner, we walked back to his street. During the commute, I thought about whether I was going to head home straight, or follow him back up to his apartment for a little taste of "German dessert". 

Upon arrival at the entrance of his building, my beating heart made the decision to head back upstairs to use his bathroom for real, and also to give us a proper moment to say goodbye. 

As prophesised, my chance of a goodbye hug became a kiss, which became a make out that sent my blood levels soaring like pillow feathers. We kissed so much and I couldn't get myself to stop, nor did I wanted it to end. 

When I finally came to my senses that I needed to catch the last bus home, I was already standing in his room with my pants open. I told him that I really needed to go and that we can meet again for coffee tomorrow and continue this. He agreed. On the bus home, I couldn't help but wonder if I should have stayed over when he offered. "We need to get married so you will stay", I replayed some of the cheesy things he said to me in my head.

The next day as promised, I was pressing on the intercom to his building again and the other end responded in a deep robotic voice going: "German embassy. Come on up 4th floor." I laughed. 

We were hanging out in his apartment again. However this time with my bowl of tea still full, we were already making out and adjourning into his bedroom to get naked. I suppose yesterday's built-up of rapport certainly saved us a lot of time today. 

In his room, the sex wasn't mind-blowingly amazing, but it was certainly very enjoyable. His body was just as good as it looks with clothes on and without. It was athletically defined and kinda chiseled which was so exciting. He could tell that I adored his biceps, his chest and his torso due to the way I kept caressing it like a boy who has never touched such good body parts up close and naked before. He hardens them for me and I love it every time.

His original sense of humour doesn't stop outside, he brings it into the bedroom. There were three very distinct moments in bed which showed me just what type of character this guy really can be. The first one would be the part where he was about to give me a blowjob, and while under the covers, he grabbed my tool like a microphone and started speaking into it like a radio DJ on air.

The second one concerned my ass, where before rimming, he would spread and re-close my butt cheeks vigorously in emulation of one's lips while voicing over each movement, effectively making my ass a talking ass.

The third would be at the end of our session where after dressing up and trying to make sure I didn't leave anything in his room or on his bed, he reenacted a slightly shocked face and teased: "Oh wait, where is your virginity? You lost it. Right here!" 

I gave him a gentle punch and we both laughed. "Well if you must know", I said, "I lost that a while ago last year." He took a moment to apologise if his weird sense of humour made things uncomfortable. I reassured him that it's fine and that he should be celebrating his originality as there aren't many people who can get joy so easily.

After the sex, I stay cuddled in bed with him for about forty minutes. And without realising, the late afternoon quickly turned into a dark evening. He asked me to stay again with him for dinner, but seeing as how we've just spend too many hours with each other within two consecutive days, I prefer not to ruin a good thing because I was starting to feel a little suffocated myself. He kept telling me how great I make him feel. We kept in touch over the weekend via text messages and WhatsApp.

About a week later, we hung out again. In fact, I saw him a couple more times over coffee and two amazing Italian dinners, of which none of them consisted of sex. There is one bizarre thing however that I've come to notice, is that the alarm clock on his phone is set to ring at almost every interval. And whenever it does, he doesn't turn it off. He simply just snoozes it and it will ring again in the middle of our conversation. The process repeats itself one too many times that I feel it has to be something significant. He told me is his way of keeping track of time although something in my head felt that that didn't make sense.

The rooftop of his building is amazing too. Once he took me up there for a tour and I was just completely blown away by the panoramic view. Damn you could see everything! The harbour, the bridge, the Opera House, the observation tower, the city skyline. He reconfirmed that the new year's barbecue party and fireworks viewing from this spot is as exciting as it is socially fun. After all, he lives in a gay neighbourhood. Aw man, I wanna be here for that!

The other thing I'd like to highlight concerning the behaviour on my part that is not so polite, is my wandering eye. I don't know if it's because I'm in a good-looking gay neighbourhood, or if it's because I haven't gotten my guy fever under control, my eyes are predisposed to wander  a lot and I think he notices. I felt bad and I talked to him about it.

During our time together, he and I talk about a wide variety of subjects. A couple of memorable discussions and lessons I've learnt or have had the privilege of talking about included:

  • How systematic German society operates, along with the purpose and scientific thinking behind how the country runs as a collective. I remember telling him how fascinated I am with nations and empires and how a country is being run. In the end, I could identify for myself, the positives and also the negatives in which a society or a country is born and built out of a certain way of thinking.
  • The topic of money and personal wealth. Any advice on this matter? Has he defined his relationship with money? Has it always been good, steady and abundant? He said that there was a point in his life when he was making lots and lots of cash everyday. It was a foo and beverage business venture which unexpectedly made him very rich. However, it took away his freedom seven days a week for a couple of years due to strict commitments. He mentioned that there comes a point in life where the money isn't worth it anymore at the expense of your happiness. And so, he let that business go and went back to full time employment. Of which he gets to travel a lot.
  • His ability to pick out some of my fears, me nervousness and my worries. He asked me one night about my constant nervous energy in being a worrywart. Are you always this anxious? I can tell that you don't seem to be in the present. You seem to be living in the future. He was right, and I thought immediately about the lesson in this post.
  • How my character and the person that I am, reminds him very strongly of this German friend, who is a friend of a friend of another friend. The guy was somewhat lost halfway in life and was trying to find himself when he set up his own company to try and help organisations solve problems relating to their efficiency, success, productivity, performance etc. The company consist of a small team of experts who are commissioned by organisations to step in and help them solve problems relating to management communications, office structure, human resource etc. Initially when he conceived the idea, people thought that it was a stupid. But now, their company has successfully amassed a portfolio consisting of big clients in Europe. This story gives me hope in the sense that I might actually possess skills and traits which have yet to find its right platform to be valued, as opposed to me thinking all the time that I am for lack of a better word, stupid or not smart enough to perform at a professional level.
  • Finally learning the magic Italian word "acqua del rubinetto" from a friendly Italian waiter during one of our dinners. It is the French equivalent of saying "une carafe d'eau" for which travellers need to pronounce when visiting restaurants in Italy and in France to make sure they get free tap water without having to pay for the all expensive bottled sparkling. "Acqua del rubinetto" kids, remember that.

On the last evening when we hung out in his apartment (although I didn't know it at the time that it was going to be our last) I was seated upright on the couch and he was lying down with his head on my lap. I was massaging certain spots on his forehead and he was caressing me lightly.

It was at that surreal moment that I suddenly had this strangely erotic but personal moment in myself where I started to open up to the possibility of liking this man for real. Could we grow to like this man for real? Is he a potential guy to be in a relationship with? Wait, he wouldn't even tell us his age. Shouldn't we be with somebody our age? I don't know.

That night he suggested that we give a sleepover a try before I leave the city. He said he really wants to wake up to me in the morning, make me breakfast and see how things can go between us. Initially I was hesitant, but seeing as how much he really wants this, I agreed to do it and we settled on a day.

As our sleepover date approaches, he seemed to have been awfully quiet. I texted him, only to receive a reply the night before that he's actually been sick the whole time. I offered to pay him a visit to make him some food but he needed to rest. So I left it as it is.

The sleepover then never materialised as the date of my leaving approaches. On the day of my departure, I texted him goodbye and told him to take care of himself, although deep inside, I was a little unhappy at the fact that he didn't deliver what he said he would. 

He texted back to say that he has been struggling lately with his breakup and has withdrawn himself. Upon reading what he wrote, I gave him a very supportive reply and suddenly felt like I had no legitimate grounds to feel upset. Since then, him and I never spoke again and I've looked forward.

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