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Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Getting Tired of the German Backpacker

On Friday, T the German backpacker came back into town and suggested that we hang out. A part of me wanted to see him again in order to appreciate every present moment we have together as friends, but the other part where the strong inner voice resides question: "What's the point in us hanging out aimlessly again? Where is this all heading?"

Him and I went for a long late afternoon walk in the city park, followed by some street food for dinner and an American comedy film at the cinema. I could feel that he was different that evening, almost as if our time apart has given him some new found perspective to appreciating my openheartedness all along.

At the end of the evening while on the train, he was extremely warm to me. Up to the point where he and I were literally whispering in each other's faces as commuters stared, trying to digest the unfamiliar sight of two men being this close to each other in a place where homosexuality is "not normal". His stop came and I think he was expecting some usual warm goodbye hug from me, but I kept my distance because we were in public.

On Saturday night, he suggested again through text messaging that we should meet on Sunday because he is to leave the city on Monday. Initially I was hesitant about meeting again, but then I went along with it because I thought he really was interested in wanting to see me. "Maybe he was indeed coming around?", I thought.

On Sunday afternoon, I sent him a text with some suggestions on the time and location we were to meet. Despite the 'read' time stamps on his end, there was no reply. My instincts warned me very strongly once again about what is about to happen. 

About an hour after our supposed meet-up time, came his text.

M, I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you anything about my day plans.

I was having the broken charger, so my phone was empty the whole day and in day time I met my friend from the other city after so long and we went one more time to the American comedy film. The audience was shit but the movie awesome. I copied even the jokes I missed the first time.

Boy, I was angry, hurt and felt like a fool. There were so many things that were obviously wrong with the way he is behaving. He double-booked somebody else on the same day we were going to meet, went to the same movie, left me hanging and waiting again. To top things off, T isn't even aware of how ridiculously inconsiIderate he is sounding to me.

At the thought of wanting to send him a clear message as to how cheesed off and tired I am with him, I made sure that there was a 'read' time stamp for every one of his text bubble to me without a single reply from my end. For the first time since we met, our chat dashboard was filled with messages of him trying to communicate with me and none from me. Gradually after two hours, he realised something was wrong.

Are you mad with me? 
I don't understand.
If you are mad with me, ok... I have to accept it.
I like you much. But maybe if also you are against me, it will be a sign for me to go.
I'm sorry and I keep you in my heart.
Hello man!
Don't act like this please!

I am somebody who doesn't handle conflict very well, even when it comes to my very own heated emotions of anger. There have been times when conflicts in my life have ended up in incivility and I am left in regret for failing to handle it better. Hence for years, I've always settled for either the high road or the deadly cold silence whenever I'm furious. 

After a while, the inner voice spoke: "Okay, M. Silence is the most powerful way to express anger, but it's time to handle this like a civilised and mature grown man. What difference in maturity do you bring to the table if you ignore him completely and leave him hanging? We need to let him know that we are unhappy about the situation, but we can't very well give him the upper hand too by throwing tantrums."

I finally responded and told him that it's fine, and that I was really "confused with my own emotions" while waiting for him because I thought he was the one who wanted to meet. "Oh my god, I forgot that", was his reply.

As you can guess, I was obviously very tired and cheesed off with his behaviour. Even as a gay friend, I am aware that I deserve to be treated with priority after all the openheartedness and unconditional generosity I've shown him ever since we met. 

In the conversation, he did mention something about letting him pay me back for everything I've done, but I told him that a relationship between human to human can't always be based on scores or how much one has done for the other. That is certainly not how I function. For everything that I do comes from the sincere heart without a price tag.

For the moment, I have yet to come to a viable conclusion as to how I would like to proceed regarding my friendship with him. But if it's anything I've learnt from this experience, is a wake-up call to start learning how to invest intelligently in the right guys.

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