Feeling A Little Bummed-Out

I'm back to feeling a little bummed out due to a couple of silly issues that have been excavating things out of me. Normally when I'm caught in this state of mind, I usually can't wait to rush home and splash every single detail of my emotions here on the white pages. But this time, the fire that used to drive my overwhelming need to express myself through writing has faded. I can't seem to figure out if it's because I'm mentally tired and have accepted things for the way they are, or that I'm just drained from work.

Anyway from an editorial perspective, it's already mid-February and I have a public journal to run. If the Gay & Invisible Journal were some kind of publication, we would have gone bust for the absence of strong content and updates (laughs). So here I am trying to make an effort for myself, for I believe that foolish writing has to come in order for better ones to resurface again.

So it started with me feeling all sorts of horny-cum-lovesick emotions towards people. With the gym downstairs and me constantly bumping into guys I'd like to have sex with, I can't quite put my finger on what the emotions are exactly because it's a mixture of wanting take him to bed, and also being hopeful or hungry for how it feels like to be in loving attachment with another man I'm attracted to.

Restlessness also gradually became the dominant theme for the past week. Even though my days are tightly jam-packed with work and personal projects, but I find myself daydreaming a lot. I've even resorted to purposely going to the bathroom just to jerk off to good-looking images on my phone.

Then, my self-esteem issues started to catch up. I think in terms of personality and character soulfulness, I am very much at peace with the level of competitiveness they command. But in a surface-oriented society that includes myself, it's the physical acceptance that I still struggle with.

"Man that guy looks like a model, has a nicely built body and is confidently masculine. He's attractive and a natural sex magnet. You're not even close to resembling anything like that and you're just "you". You're not a conventionally attractive male and male beauty doesn't describe you. To top it off, you want something as a substitute for what you might lack. It must feel really good being him. To be somebody who never has to doubt the reality of his attractiveness because no matter the weather or occasion, he is hot. I wonder what that feels like?" There. I said it. My honest and most insecure thoughts in black and white.

Coming back to the other reasons for being bummed-out, I started to feel the pinch of not being paid a proper salary on top of a workload that is slowly taking over my personal time and after work hours. Don't ask me why, but this is how it is for now.

I was paying some bills today and it left me with nothing but emptiness. I know this is something everyone has to go through in life, but my spirit was just really dampened. For more than a year, I realised that I haven't actually had proper excess money to invest in myself. At times like these, I would normally tell myself to ride out the emptiness and just not whine. But today, I felt somewhat depressed and foolish for choosing to learn on a job, than to work in accordance with the standard protocol of being well-remunerated for your efforts.

Deep down, a part of me knows what I'm doing. To some extend I do believe in the genuine success that might be due later in the long run, but another part of me that forms the average human being living in the practical world is deeply frustrated and distraught. I am not making enough of a living, and I am not fully in place with where I want to be.

Throughout the entire drive home, a million questions, analysis and worries bombarded my head. I started to analyse my life and let the angry voices flow. I thought about the various aspects of my life ranging from love, finances, career, spirituality and self-enrichment. 

I asked myself what am I going to do about my wish to make love and experience companionship. Have I subconsciously accepted my situation and given up on a boyfriend? I pondered about my finances and how am I ever going to achieve a life of true freedom where I feel good. What about that life career that is in alignment with what I'm genuinely called to do in life?

As my car stopped at a traffic junction, I welled up due to a fireworks of emotions that started to burn inside me, and just before I allowed myself to continue being carried away with what I'm feeling, I told myself to acknowledge the bad moment and move on. Okay, I'm done. I'm gonna stop, and just take whatever it is that will become tomorrow in my stride.