Navigation Bar Blue

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Falling Out Relations With A Dutch Guy

I couldn't remember if it was Jack'd or if it was Grindr, but going back to when I first started using the gay dating apps, my eyes caught the thumbnail of a foreign-looking guy on the display tile. "That's odd", I thought. "Why would a traveller or a tourist choose to be 'here' in the suburban outskirts?" I was cruising from home and somehow his presence in the area just didn't make sense. 

Being the restless person who can't seem to leave people alone, I initiated contact with a hello and convinced him to chat on WhatsApp instead. That way, we'll get to exchange numbers. I learnt from the brief conversation that he was a Dutch expatriate a couple of kilometres away.

After a few lackadaisical responses along with his seemingly distant attitude on WhatsApp, I convinced myself to stop being desperate and just move on without any of that 'was-it-me?' baggage that I used to make myself carry. I really needed to learn how to live without it.

So fast forward about 11 months later, a thumbnail of a foreign-looking torso sent me an afternoon message on Scruff asking if I'm horny. I said yeah and requested to see a face picture. Turns out, it was the same Dutch guy. His sudden approach triggered a slight raise to the ego that was bruised the last time he left me hanging. However, I was very nice to him and agreed to a sex date in the late evening because we were both busy in the afternoon.

Nightfall came and I sent him a text asking him what the plan was. Apparently he was still far away in the city centre. He informed me that he was robbed of his belongings and was in the midst of trying to sort things out.

Although I was a little disappointed at the fact that such a misfortune just have to happen at a time when I'm about to meet someone, but I was also worried how he was going to get home without cash. He lives in the neighbouring suburb and public transportation in the state just never has that kind of convenient reach.

He told me he's going to use remaining coins to buy a train ticket to the last subway stop, then call a friend to pick him up. Thinking that I will not let such a thing ruin my chances of meeting him, I offered to pick him up and send him home without any expectations as I would also like to perform a kind gesture on my part. For if I were to be stranded in his situation, I would appreciate it too if someone met me halfway.

As I caught sight of his tall and slim figure at the train station, I called out to him and extended my hand to shake his. Under the bright public lights, I noticed that the man in flesh has aged a couple of years. I took a self-reflective moment and pondered to my inner self if my looks were even worthy of going through what people commonly refer to as "prime years".

By the time we got into the car, our conversation took on a warmer tone and I managed to convince him to grab a cup of coffee with me. On the way to the coffee house, he was telling me about his robbing ordeal and I asked him with genuine curiosity as to what was a Dutch guy like him doing in a corrupted nation like mine that doesn't seem to be heading for positive development.

He told me that he loves the lifestyle and the culture, although now after dealing with the police, he was starting to see why it can sometimes be a frustrating place to live. "There we go!", I answered playfully.

Over coffee, we talked about an array of things, but mostly about him. Through my silent behavioural observation, I was very much aware of the superiority complex and arrogance that is present within many European man. Apart from that, there's also a strong stench of seemingly cold thinking, self-righteous driven judgement, and blunt usage of adjectives on people.

As an expatriate, I learnt that he works for a well established company, and is earning a five to six figure monthly salary that is more than what educated locals can afford to earn here in a year. In his own words, because he makes a good living, he can do "whatever he wants". I guess from his perspective and financial standing, I can definitely see the allure of settling down here.

Gradually, the topic moved on to his previous relationships, and how it turned sour because of the many issues that were partly, but not entirely due to the difference in financial success. His ex-boyfriend was living lavishly on credit debt in lieu of trying to keep up with a "cosmopolitan lifestyle" that was centred around four figure restaurant bills, five-star resorts, intercontinental jet-setting, glamourous event openings, excessive retail purchases and million-dollar cars.

Not only did it became a constant competition for the guy to impress his social circle of gay friends, but it was also his way of trying to deal with the inadequate emotions that stemmed from not being able to handle the financial success of his partner. In typical classic gay drama, it all came to an end with some domestic violence, and a six-figure settlement that involved the bank wanting to close in on the partner's home.

After the relationship ended, the Dutch guy started seeing somebody else. 8 months into the new relationship, this new guy revealed out of the blue that he was actually already in some kind of a financial arrangement with a British sugar daddy, who will be dropping by soon from the United Kingdom for a visit.

As I listened, I sat there in silence and in shock as I tried to digest everything that was told from his perspective. I remember feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole spiritually and morally bankrupted behaviour of those guys, but then again my instincts were also telling me that the Dutch guy could also be downplaying what actually happened and accentuating things for his own image. Suddenly, two voices were rationalising itself in my head.

Isn't it strange how such a well educated person who grew up in such an advanced country like the Netherlands with such admirable financial and career success here, would 'attract' or perhaps end up with partners like the two guys he just mentioned?

Guess I must still be very naive then with regard to my understanding of human emotion and behaviour.

The Inner Voice: [interjects]
Hold it. Why is he telling you all this? Is he trying to send you a message in case something develops? I don't understand. Does he think that I'm some ordinary young guy who is also after someone like him who is rich, foreign and successful?

Wait, I DO desire a boyfriend who is rich, foreign and successful. But only for the reasons being that I want to live with a partner of a different culture, and also for the intention of wanting to be in a partnership that could possibly translate into some kind of mentorship, in career and also in life.

The Inner Voice:
But this Dutch guy and his money isn't what we have in mind. Besides, don't we want 'our' own self-earned success, recognition and wealth? That way we can stand tall in our own light. Beats 'being attached' to a rich, successful boyfriend any time for the sake of it.

He: [ talking ]
"I don't go on the apps often because I usually do not want people from the professional circle to recognise me. Besides, it's hard to have a conversation with many of the guys you find on the apps. Like how you and I are talking right now."

As I fell right back into the present, it felt nice to hear his last comment. Soon enough, it was time to leave and I paid for our coffee because I want to make a personal initiative of showing my generosity and openness. While walking away from the coffee place, I found myself wondering if we were going to have a little fun in the car or somewhere else before I drop him off.

My car was soon rolling down the street of an exclusive neighbourhood that is lined with four million dollar villas. I have friends who live in places like these, and for someone to reside in one of these homes from where I come from would probably mean that their parents are doing very well.

"You can stop there, in front of the house with the blue car. I'm currently renting this place until the house I bought down by the lake there is done. It belongs to the new phase of residential development and it's still under construction."

The Inner Voice:
Oh my god! What? Renting a multi million dollar home? A new villa he bought further down by the lake? One that he owns?

"So have a good night! Thank you for coming to get me."

"No problem! You have a goodnight too."

Throughout the 10 minute drive from his neighbouring suburb to mine, my mind was just bursting with thoughts of fantasy, hope, rationalisation, envy and excitement. If something were to develop between me and him, will I be able to handle his financial success? 

On one hand I allowed myself to be humbled by his capabilities, but on the other, my determined self was so dead set on wanting to live my own destiny and making it bigger than him. Financially, spiritually, characteristically. Oh so you do have a ball of closeted pride inside!

The next day, I held back on the strong urge to contact him, but felt a sense of consolation to see that he sent me a message on WhatsApp asking me how I am. So yesterday evening probably wasn't for nothing at all! This pattern started to repeat itself, with both of us approaching one another every other alternative day.

There are times when I really enjoy chatting to him. I even turned to him for some man to younger guy advice about the time I had sexual troubles with a hot top. I appreciated him so much for the avuncular manner in which he openly discussed those things with me.

However, what turns me off in the conversation is when he criticises people in general so overtly. It might have been via an instant mobile messaging service, but words such as tasteless, stupid and useless which are being used so bluntly on people makes me rethink the kind of soul he has. 

His justification was that he is somebody who speaks the truth and does not waste time. But compassionate thinking, heartfelt consideration and non judgemental understanding are very important things to me. For I deeply believe in the insurmountable intelligence, and reverence those qualities hold in life and in leadership.

About three weeks went by and it started to hit me that this guy doesn't know me at all. He doesn't even make any progressive initiatives to ask me about my life. In his mind, I am just another one of those guys who grew up in a third world country. On one occasion when I demonstrated good knowledge for a field that I studied, he said that he was "surprised" that I knew so much about such subject because people of my nationality are usually ignorant about things.

He then carried on into a full blown attack mode, criticising and generalising every citizen of this country. It might or might not have been heartless, but one should at least from a basic human level consider the feelings of the other person when they speak. The next morning, there were about thirty messages on my WhatsApp stating his point after much defence and disagreement from me.

I might not be the most patriotic person out there, but at least I come from a place whereby I am being taught to stand up for your own wolf pack. So in wanting to curb his rampant criticism and debasement of my fellow citizens, I got in the way of his ego as somebody who tried to ridicule his intelligence.

Throughout rebutting his opinion, I constantly kept a sense of grace and class as I really didn't want to stoop down to his level. However despite maintaining a very open and nice approach, he ignored me completely without a word. So after a one-way Christmas and New Year's greeting on my part, I told myself to let it go, and move on because maybe it's really time that I start believing that I'm meant for someone better.


  1. Arrogance can come more easily to rich people. They can think they're special because of the things they can buy.

  2. Typical rich fellow who knows nothing about the hardneship of being underclass. If I were you, I would not be bothered to talk to him anymore. Guys like this are repugnant.

  3. I did enjoy this post but there was something about how he immediately went to 'Money' people with real money do not talk about it, they don't bring it up in casual conversation like that. Some real red flags there.