Coming-Out to a Special Girl

Life hasn't exactly taken on an exciting beat on my side. Anyway, that's not the reason why I've come here to write again. Yesterday, I was finally reunited with one of my best friends who flew home from another continent. We haven't seen each other for almost two and a half years. We both have very different life journeys to chart and she has spent the past 5 years living in another country.

She's a best friend from college whom I once developed romantic feelings for even though I was closeted, and was only ever sexually attracted to men. "Okay... But you're gay. Don't confuse me!", you argue. Well to put it in perspective, my heart had strong emotions of love and longing to be attached with her, but my libido responded truthfully only to good-looking men.

A couple years back, I had my first ever proper rejection from a girl when I told her about my feelings and wasn't even sure if she'd accept it. But the wonderful thing was that despite her silence, our friendship grew stronger and we were still "us". We went on holidays, we enjoyed each other's company and we still spill our honest hearts out as close friends. I love being able to share a personal bubble with her that no one can take away.

So yesterday on a bright October's afternoon, we finally spend the entire day together, picking up immediately from the middle of 2011 where we last saw each other and when I sequestered myself off from people to deal with my melt down. I sometimes marvel at the level of trust and faith she has in me to respectfully give me the distance without ever questioning our bond. It made me realise how deep and secure friendships have to be in order for it not to go awry during moments of low.

Seeing her in the flesh again and hugging her felt so good. I finally opened up and told her everything that happened to me for the past two years. I could finally see why we didn't grew romantically beyond friendship because I was meant to be true to my sexuality and have her remain as one of my closest confidante in life. As I admitted to being gay for the first time in front of her, every shame, every embarrassment, every hurt and every fear of being any lesser than I am completely dissipated. It was as if it never existed and I never had a problem with being gay at all.

This made me realised within myself that I have arrived. That coming-out to people is no longer a big deal for me and it's starting to feel pretty normal. In fact, it feels good and liberating. I have never felt so pure and so aligned with who I am. For the first time, I took a moment and revelled in the security and the fearlessness I haven't felt in a long time.

With regard to whether or not she already knew about my attraction for men all this while, she obviously was not surprised as to how things are turning out in the present. She confessed to having never thought of labelling me in the past because she assumed that I played for both teams. She said she couldn't see me as anybody else but me and therefore did not focus or cared much about my sexuality as opposed to how other peers of ours treat it scandalously.

As I drove her home, I started feeling sad that she's flying off again in a couple of weeks and that we're actually no longer a highway's drive away. She will go back to her exciting foreign life and I will have to come back to reality and find mine. At times like these, I truly wonder about my footing in life and where my destiny lies. As I dropped her off and headed home, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the kind of lifelong friends and support the universe has thrown my way. And for that, suddenly my life just didn't feel so bad, and I will carry on.