The Time I Met A German Man On A Rebound

This next guy I'm going to write about was a very interesting chapter that happened during my stay in this city. But somehow, thinking about him at this moment still brings out tiny emotions of confusion and emptiness due to the way my exchange with him ended. I'll elaborate.

Mid-week afternoon. There I was. Same coffee house, feeling restless, itching for a meet, started fishing on the gay apps on my phone. This pretty-looking man with a nice body from Jack'd reached out to me for a simple "Hi". After a couple of exchanges, the vibe I got was that he was looking for some fun. However, once I started to push for a meet to happen at his place that evening, he questioned me directly what were my intentions. Huh? Is he for real?

I said I am somebody who goes into a meeting without expectations. I like to meet guys and talk to them, get a sense of who they are and learn to enjoy the moment. If things go well, we can take it further from there, if not, it doesn't bother me too and I would still head home without regrets.

   "You happy with my answer?", I asked deliberately as a matter of factually with a smiley emoticon.

     "That's exactly my thought!", he replied enthusiastically.

Knowing that sex was not going to be the principal goal of the meet, I felt more at ease and could go into this date with a much more calm approach. Within a couple of hours, I was pressing on the intercom to his building and he buzzed me up. 

He lives in a nice location and a nice apartment. When I saw him in flesh, age has certainly roughened up his pretty face in a sexy and masculine way which I thought was kinda hot. But his use of a profile picture from his younger days on Jack'd once again made me ponder deeply about my own future, and what this common fear of ageing can mean to many gay men. Especially to those who are experiencing it now and to those who have come before me.

Immediately upon entering his space, my talkative mouth just started chattering itself away while he boiled us some water for tea. He has an amazingly comfortable and spacious couch that I just couldn't resist the idea of making myself feel at home in his living room.

Frankly, I've only stepped into his apartment for a mere ten minutes, but I could already see it in his eyes that he was completely fascinated and surprised by the friendliness and warmth that is currently standing in his apartment. Yes I call it friendliness and warmth, but maybe what it really was was just hyperactive energy and a lot of curious questions. Anyway if we can't trust what I see, at least trust my intuitive sixth sense for energy.

I can't recall the exact sequence of our conversation, but him and I are capable of talking about a wide variety of things. From German society and economy, to his current job search and recent break up with his ex-boyfriend. 

However, I think it was only revealed to me later during our fourth or fifth meeting that he loved his ex-boyfriend of Taiwanese descent insanely much, but the relationship had an element of deception and arrière-penseé to it in the sense that the younger partner was an incredibly smart but selfish guy who knew how to play his cards right. From what I gather, I was a little heartbroken to learn that his ex was reaping a lot of benefits from him. Financial or otherwise throughout the course of their relationship.

     "Weren't you aware at all of what was happening during the relationship? How did you let yourself go on when you knew what constituted the foundation? Did you see this coming?"

It wasn't only after I heard my own questions out loud that I realised, no matter how understanding or empathetic my tone of voice sounded, it was unfair of me, and that I actually hold no right to ask such difficult questions. Even if all I wanted were valuable relationship and human being lessons out of it.

Also at the back of my head, it started to sink in too that there are guys out there like his ex who are absolutely unafraid of their actions. I couldn't decide for myself I should think of them as indispensably clever in life, or just spiritually and morally bankrupt.

But the German guy did mention something later on about how he is willing to accept this experience of loss as some kind of returned karmic consequence for the behaviour of his younger self that resembled very much like his current ex. "For those who use, will eventually be used?", I heard the voice inside myself ponder.

One evening, while we were playing this game called Lumosity on his iPad to challenge our brains, he would harmlessly reiterate at the fact that his ex was an intelligent guy who dominates this game. I think he might have meant it too in terms of IQ and academics. Which is why in the practical sense of survival in life, his ex performs well.

For a moment of insecurity, I thought about myself. On top of not possessing the practical smarts that many people seem to have, I feel that I am not clever enough to want to use people too for personal gain. "Am I on the right track staying the way I am? For sometimes, personal integrity and doing the right thing just doesn't really get you anywhere", I hear my inner self thought.

The German guy tells me too that he has recently been relying on this self-help book about happiness that he finds very useful in this period where he is still struggling to heal from his break. 

He would tease me jokingly about my passion for questions with statements like: "Is this interview over?" Or "Are you a psychologist?" Or "Oh wait, I need to write this down" which I find extremely playful and amusing. The guy does have some original sense of humour, and he's German. How interesting.

The initial plan was for us to have tea at his place for about an hour or so and then I'll head home to the simple chicken and rosemary waiting for me in the refrigerator. But surprisingly, the man decided to ask me to join him for dinner. I have to admit that it's always nice to have somebody further reaffirm the idea that they like your presence with requests like this.

    "I thought you already have dinner plans with your gay friend? He cooked dinner tonight and is expecting you isn't he?", I asked. 

    "No it's okay. I'm gonna call him and his boyfriend and tell them now I'll see them another day. I like being with you. You make me feel very comfortable."

      "Uh... Sure! I can eat with you."

We went out to a Vietnamese restaurant just a couple of blocks away. After dinner, we walked back to his street. During the commute, I thought about whether I was going to head home straight, or follow him back up to his apartment for a little taste of "German dessert". 

Upon arrival at the entrance of his building, my beating heart made the decision to head back upstairs to use his bathroom for real, and also to give us a proper moment to say goodbye. 

As prophesised, my chance of a goodbye hug became a kiss, which became a make out that sent my blood levels soaring like pillow feathers. We kissed so much and I couldn't get myself to stop, nor did I wanted it to end. 

When I finally came to my senses that I needed to catch the last bus home, I was already standing in his room with my pants open. I told him that I really needed to go and that we can meet again for coffee tomorrow and continue this. He agreed. On the bus home, I couldn't help but wonder if I should have stayed over when he offered. "We need to get married so you will stay", I replayed some of the cheesy things he said to me in my head.

The next day as promised, I was pressing on the intercom to his building again and the other end responded in a deep robotic voice going: "German embassy. Come on up 4th floor." I laughed. 

We were hanging out in his apartment again. However this time with my bowl of tea still full, we were already making out and adjourning into his bedroom to get naked. I suppose yesterday's built-up of rapport certainly saved us a lot of time today. 

In his room, the sex wasn't mind-blowingly amazing, but it was certainly very enjoyable. His body was just as good as it looks with clothes on and without. It was athletically defined and kinda chiseled which was so exciting. He could tell that I adored his biceps, his chest and his torso due to the way I kept caressing it like a boy who has never touched such good body parts up close and naked before. He hardens them for me and I love it every time.

His original sense of humour doesn't stop outside, he brings it into the bedroom. There were three very distinct moments in bed which showed me just what type of character this guy really can be. The first one would be the part where he was about to give me a blowjob, and while under the covers, he grabbed my tool like a microphone and started speaking into it like a radio DJ on air.

The second one concerned my ass, where before rimming, he would spread and re-close my butt cheeks vigorously in emulation of one's lips while voicing over each movement, effectively making my ass a talking ass.

The third would be at the end of our session where after dressing up and trying to make sure I didn't leave anything in his room or on his bed, he reenacted a slightly shocked face and teased: "Oh wait, where is your virginity? You lost it. Right here!" 

I gave him a gentle punch and we both laughed. "Well if you must know", I said, "I lost that a while ago last year." He took a moment to apologise if his weird sense of humour made things uncomfortable. I reassured him that it's fine and that he should be celebrating his originality as there aren't many people who can get joy so easily.

After the sex, I stay cuddled in bed with him for about forty minutes. And without realising, the late afternoon quickly turned into a dark evening. He asked me to stay again with him for dinner, but seeing as how we've just spend too many hours with each other within two consecutive days, I prefer not to ruin a good thing because I was starting to feel a little suffocated myself. He kept telling me how great I make him feel. We kept in touch over the weekend via text messages and WhatsApp.

About a week later, we hung out again. In fact, I saw him a couple more times over coffee and two amazing Italian dinners, of which none of them consisted of sex. There is one bizarre thing however that I've come to notice, is that the alarm clock on his phone is set to ring at almost every interval. And whenever it does, he doesn't turn it off. He simply just snoozes it and it will ring again in the middle of our conversation. The process repeats itself one too many times that I feel it has to be something significant. He told me is his way of keeping track of time although something in my head felt that that didn't make sense.

The rooftop of his building is amazing too. Once he took me up there for a tour and I was just completely blown away by the panoramic view. Damn you could see everything! The harbour, the bridge, the Opera House, the observation tower, the city skyline. He reconfirmed that the new year's barbecue party and fireworks viewing from this spot is as exciting as it is socially fun. After all, he lives in a gay neighbourhood. Aw man, I wanna be here for that!

The other thing I'd like to highlight concerning the behaviour on my part that is not so polite, is my wandering eye. I don't know if it's because I'm in a good-looking gay neighbourhood, or if it's because I haven't gotten my guy fever under control, my eyes are predisposed to wander  a lot and I think he notices. I felt bad and I talked to him about it.

During our time together, he and I talk about a wide variety of subjects. A couple of memorable discussions and lessons I've learnt or have had the privilege of talking about included:

• How systematic German society operates, along with the purpose and scientific thinking behind how the country runs as a collective. I remember telling him how fascinated I am with nations and empires and how a country is being run. In the end, I could identify for myself, the positives and also the negatives in which a society or a country is born and built out of a certain way of thinking.

• The topic of money and personal wealth. Any advice on this matter? Has he defined his relationship with money? Has it always been good, steady and abundant? He said that there was a point in his life when he was making lots and lots of cash everyday. It was a foo and beverage business venture which unexpectedly made him very rich. However, it took away his freedom seven days a week for a couple of years due to strict commitments. He mentioned that there comes a point in life where the money isn't worth it anymore at the expense of your happiness. And so, he let that business go and went back to full time employment. Of which he gets to travel a lot.

• His ability to pick out some of my fears, me nervousness and my worries. He asked me one night about my constant nervous energy in being a worrywart. Are you always this anxious? I can tell that you don't seem to be in the present. You seem to be living in the future. He was right, and I thought immediately about the lesson in this post.

• How my character and the person that I am, reminds him very strongly of this German friend, who is a friend of a friend of another friend. The guy was somewhat lost halfway in life and was trying to find himself when he set up his own company to try and help organisations solve problems relating to their efficiency, success, productivity, performance etc. The company consist of a small team of experts who are commissioned by organisations to step in and help them solve problems relating to management communications, office structure, human resource etc. Initially when he conceived the idea, people thought that it was a stupid. But now, their company has successfully amassed a portfolio consisting of big clients in Europe. This story gives me hope in the sense that I might actually possess skills and traits which have yet to find its right platform to be valued, as opposed to me thinking all the time that I am for lack of a better word, stupid or not smart enough to perform at a professional level.

• Finally learning the magic Italian word "acqua del rubinetto" from a friendly Italian waiter during one of our dinners. It is the French equivalent of saying "une carafe d'eau" for which travellers need to pronounce when visiting restaurants in Italy and in France to make sure they get free tap water without having to pay for the all expensive bottled sparkling. "Acqua del rubinetto" kids, remember that.

On the last evening when we hung out in his apartment (although I didn't know it at the time that it was going to be our last) I was seated upright on the couch and he was lying down with his head on my lap. I was massaging certain spots on his forehead and he was caressing me lightly.

It was at that surreal moment that I suddenly had this strangely erotic but personal moment in myself where I started to open up to the possibility of liking this man for real. Could we grow to like this man for real? Is he a potential guy to be in a relationship with? Wait, he wouldn't even tell us his age. Shouldn't we be with somebody our age? I don't know.

That night he suggested that we give a sleepover a try before I leave the city. He said he really wants to wake up to me in the morning, make me breakfast and see how things can go between us. Initially I was hesitant, but seeing as how much he really wants this, I agreed to do it and we settled on a day.

As our sleepover date approaches, he seemed to have been awfully quiet. I texted him, only to receive a reply the night before that he's actually been sick the whole time. I offered to pay him a visit to make him some food but he needed to rest. So I left it as it is.

The sleepover then never materialised as the date of my leaving approaches. On the day of my departure, I texted him goodbye and told him to take care of himself, although deep inside, I was a little unhappy at the fact that he didn't deliver what he said he would. 

He texted back to say that he has been struggling lately with his breakup and has withdrawn himself. Upon reading what he wrote, I gave him a very supportive reply and suddenly felt like I had no legitimate grounds to feel upset. Since then, him and I never spoke again and I've looked forward.

The Time I Met 4 Guys From Wednesday To Saturday

There was one particular week in the month of August where I met four different guys over coffee for four consecutive days. I have to say, four meet ups over four days for me is a first. So here, I'm going to write a little bit about my experiences with them, and what I took away with me starting from Wednesday.

WEDNESDAY

About a week prior to this day, a nice looking guy in his fifties sent me a message on Hornet. I wasn't interested but decided to give him a reply because he seemed open. He asked me if I have an age limit with regard to the guys I see. I said yes out of wanting to deter him, but he went on further to comment that when he was my age, he thought that anyone over thirty was old. 

I told him that's not what I'm about. I do have an age limit when it comes to sex, but when it came to meeting someone over coffee, my heart is wide open and that I try very hard not to let myself fall victim to the easier route of developing quick judgements based on how you've aged in life.

Anyway, I really don't know what I was thinking going out with somebody I am not interested in, but I agreed to a meet on Wednesday afternoon for the sake of wanting to keep myself open, and in wanting to give people a chance. 

I was extremely nervous before the meet because I was afraid of his intention and how things will look like in public together. Fortunately, he was a very honest and friendly guy. He came to pick me up in a blue car and we headed for a café in a mall. He was genuinely a very nice guy and I sighed a huge relief that my openness has given me such a positive experience. 

There, we talked about a variety of things ranging from relationships to Australian prime ministers. A couple of key points that struck me was when I asked him: "Tell me this, a lot of guys I've spoken to tells me that all of their past relationships have happened when they least expect it or when they didn't see it coming. So did yours happen when you were not looking for anything?"

"Absolutely. Absolutely", he says. "Mine happened when my friend needed an extra person to go with him to a dinner party. And another time while I was seating in for somebody else on a random double date."

"The thing is that people can sense the vibe, or even know what you're feeling even before yourself. So if you go into a meet-up with the mindset of 'wanting' or 'looking out' for a relationship, the other guy will pick up on it and that'll scare him away."

THURSDAY

Thursday was a Grindr profile who was working from home about 50 metres away. He decided to take a break and met me for coffee at a nearby café. He was very tall, not bad looking, and a self-employed guy who is currently working hard at trying to turn his dwindling online platform of few years around.

Initially, I thought it was refreshing being able to talk to someone with an entrepreneurial background, but after a while, I realised that this guy actually has a lot of hidden issues that has yet to be completely worked out. Mostly arising from his struggles with trying to tame his ego, and his past of being extremely arrogant where he often feels that he is better than other people.

He tells me that since young, he has always had a firm belief that he is meant to achieve change-the-world success. This has prompted me to reflect on one of the biggest questions I've always been curious of, and that is I often wonder if the truly successful icons of our time, from head of states to entrepreneurs, writers to philanthropists, ever prophesised via gut feeling that the magnitude of their success is what it is now? Does one know or don't know? Is the feeling innate or is it just a fantasied outcome driven by egoistic ambition for mass validation?

The good thing however, was how honest about himself he was with me. So much so that he relates me to his counsellor or shrink. One of the other things that we talked about was that his "fear of rejection", (code word for ego) has reduced him to someone who most often tends to talk to guys who he think are less better looking that he is.

In which I told him that he owes it to himself to turn the entire superiority complex around by deliberately doing the thing we are afraid of. Because what we normally fear is what we need to do the most. So if rejection is what you fear, you need to go get rejected massively in order to release yourself off your issues and fears.

FRIDAY

Friday was a profile who contacted me via Gaydar and who looked like he could still be studying in school. Personally, I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy because firstly, he didn't have a phone number. And secondly, what if he turns out to be a minor? I could get arrested.

However the check box that swayed me to agreement was the fact that we have been communicating for a few weeks, and he uses his personal email where I saw his name. So I decided to put some faith in the guy and decided to meet up with him at the rooftop terrace of a pub in the afternoon. 

He writes for politics and I'm guessing that due to the nature of his interest and scope of work, he seems really intelligent when he talks. To the point where I felt so clueless because I feel I didn't have the right kind of smarts that is needed to survive in the world that we live in.

Surprisingly he is a couple of years older than I am. Although I must say that he exudes a very kid-at-heart vibe. Which provided me with greater clarity as to what kind of guys are out there and what would work or not work. There were moments where I got bored because of his constant dwelling on political subjects, but a good conversationalist is also a good listener who takes every opportunity to learn from the other so I did.

To cut a long story short, we spent the entire afternoon hanging out together and then said goodbye in the evening with a kiss. We kept in touch and wanted to arrange for a possible sex date to happen one day, but unfortunately I was more interested in hanging out with him for company than for fun.

We met up again after two weeks at a bar where after two bottles of Pinot Noir, he was literally not his usual composed self and I just couldn't feed any more wine into my own stomach. He bought us a third bottle and I immediately knew I had to send us both on our way. I needed to end this date before it gets out of control, and I was not in the mood for out of control that day. 

So after getting us to finish whatever residual wine there was left in our glasses from the half-filled third Pinot Noir, I hid the bottle in my laptop bag and began the process of ending the date. I had to put on a sensible act too because he was too tipsy to be rational. He kept kissing me in public too at random intervals, trying to convince me to go to the sauna with him where we can have sex. I obviously declined and we both left things as they were while at the bus stop, and also in a couple of emails after.

SATURDAY

Saturday was a candidate from Jack'd who was first mentioned in this post. He was the guy who couldn't make it to meeting me in the evening due to his gym commitments. For weeks we have been keeping in touch, but never got around to arranging a coffee date. 

So after many back and forth messages, and finally getting him to feel comfortable with who I say I am, we met up in a very quaint café on a rainy late Saturday afternoon in Potts Point. Oh my God, what a nice and elegant neighbourhood!

The guy was an American lawyer living in Australia. His southern hemisphere headed journey towards getting himself to settle on the continent was a challenging one, and one that took more than a decade to plan. He reminds me enormously about my own desires of wanting to attain true international freedom and independence for myself to move around in the world.

I was particularly touched by his story when the topic of our conversation hovered on  the subject of partnership and romance. I couldn't recall if it was his first or second relationship, but one of his long term partner from the States had a tumultuous battle with cancer for eight years. The entire ordeal started off with a nasty tumour that they fought together for years. But unfortunately in the end, sickness after sickness, surgery after chemo, his partner didn't survive and he passed away.

He told me that he was no stranger to death as it claimed the lives of a sibling when he was young. However this incident involving his partner shook him hard and engendered a long struggle with depression and emotional defeat. I remember clearly in his own words he said to me that his thirties were known as the cancer years. "It was cancer cancer cancer all the way. Then career, then cancer cancer cancer."

Listening to him, I said: "You know, I would just like to let you know that I am deeply humbled by your story and have great respect for you. Because not many people can say that they stayed with their partner through such suffering and tragedy. But you stayed with the guy and supported him throughout. Really, I am just speechless."

"Why? Wouldn't you?", he asked and I knew that this is a difficult question where it forces me to think about my own level of humanity, capacity for loyalty and also the concept of selfishness that plagues us all as human beings.

"To be honest... As somebody who has never experienced 'consuming love', or at least a great partnership of your level, I would have to say that at this point, I really don't know. I don't know what my heart is capable of, and it wouldn't feel right for me to speak of cancer theoretically like it was a piece of cake, in front of somebody who had to go through all of it.

"But you know, I am extremely grateful for everything you've just shared with me. I mean, listening to your story, it really does kind of put people like me in my place and render a lot of our worries and issues obsolete.", I chuckled and he smiled.

"Anyway, how are you now? Have you found your peace?", I asked.

"I'm better. Much better now. A while back, I was just in ruins. My friends, my family and people around me were completely exhausted and maxed out. They had to listen to me talk about cancer and everything else that happened. They were so sick of it. Supportive but sick," he says in a reminiscing smile.

By the end of the conversation, I knew that this good old-fashioned guy really means business when he said that he is somebody who is not after casual sex on Jack'd but rather true quality meet-ups. It was a little anticlimactic for me not being able to enjoy the chiseled gym body I know this candidate has, but the meet up with him and what I took away from his story was more than what I could ever ask for when meeting random guys. And especially one that comes out of Jack'd.

Do Your Part in Protecting Yourself

I was watching a television segment where an audience member asked the life coach of that particular show the following question.

The Girl:

"I just wanna know how do I become settled with when someone whom I really cared about betrayed me. How do I find the peace that I need to really forgive and move on, I... "

Life Coach
"Is it an important relationship to you?"

The Girl:
"Yes."

Life Coach:
"Okay. Have you shared fully and completely with the person, how you feel, as a result of this experience?"

The Girl: [nods head]

Life Coach:
"And they're response was?"

The Girl: [shakes head in tears]
"It was incomplete. It was just incomplete and so... I just wanna find the peace in my heart to just really move on with forgiveness in my heart."

Life Coach:
"No you don't, that's where you want to ultimately get to, but that ain't what you want right now. Right now you want to know why. Would that be accurate?"

The Girl: [nods head]

Life Coach:
"Tell the truth. So you did. You wanna know why, and I wanna support you. What did you learn?"

The Girl:
"I've learnt that everything in a relationships doesn't go perfect."

Life Coach: [smiling]
"Yes. Good and what else?" 
"Did you have clear agreements with this person? Or did you assume that they knew what you needed, wanted, would do, could do?"
"Did you have clear agreements with this person?"

The Girl: [silent]

Life Coach:
"That would be a no. Did you have solid boundaries that kept you protected and honoured?"

The Girl: [shakes head in tears]

Life Coach:
"No. And your boundaries are wishy-washy, flexible? You know you let stuff slip and slide, slipperation and slipin. Okay."

Girl: [a moment of smile in the middle of tears]

Life Coach:
"Tell me what's happening?" 
"I just had a little shift there what happened?"

The Girl: [back in tears]
"I'm realising that I didn't do my part in protecting myself."

Life Coach:
"And who, taught, you, that?"

Show Host:
"That's good. Who taught you that?"

The Girl: [sobbing uncontrollably without responding]

Life Coach:
"There it is! There it is. Who taught you that? It's okay."

The Girl: [sobbing]
"My Mom."

Life Coach: [walks up and embraced the girl in her arms]
"It's okay, let it go. There it is, there it is. Just let it come up. It's right there."

The girl broke down in the arms of the life coach and sobbed for a while as the camera continued to roll. After a while, she calms down.

The Girl: [sobbing]
"Thank you."

Life Coach:
"No thank you! Thank yourself for having the courage to tell your story out loud. That you have the courage to tell your story out loud. That's good taking care of you, that's good protecting you. You did good."

The Girl:
"Yes."

Show Host:
"Tell us what happened. What happened?"

Life Coach: [to the audience]
"She remembered a very young time when she had to do it by herself. And she didn't have the words to speak to betrayal, to talk about it. And it just came up within. And it came up in this experience with this friend of hers."

"And also everybody has a heart-breaking tag with mommy's name attached to it. Some little heart-breaking tag with mommy's name or daddy's name, or your sister's name or your brother's name. And because we really are all one? That struck a nerve!

Life Coach: [turns to the Girl]
"So now look at the lesson, here's your only homework, forgive your momma. You gotta go back there! Forget this friend and that'll clear up once you're clear with your momma. And I don't mean you have to go to her to forgive her, you do your work." 

The Girl: [nods head in promising smile]

Life Coach: [smiles]
"You good? You sure? Okay."

Quietly Crushing on My Director

There is an unpublished entry sitting on my dashboard that was casually drafted about a month ago. It talks about my magnetic feelings of admiration and reverence for one of my bosses in his early thirties that is slowly turning into a crush. What's new right?

I decided against releasing it because firstly I thought: "Okay, how many more of these unrequited crushes can I have?" Like that senior from university, the dream guy from Québec, or my high school class president. And secondly, I didn't want to write about something that might pass and become insignificant in due time. 

So the brief story regarding my boss is that he and I share the same Myers-Brigg Type Indicator (MBTI). What are the odds considering my type is hypothesised to exist in only 1% of the world's population? My admiration for him started when he first interviewed me for my current position and I left the office a couple of hours later, thinking that I've never connected with an interviewer like this before.

My heightened interest in him grew exponentially as I got better acquainted with the great personality and oceanic mind he possesses. I can't help but wonder if our types are psychically drawn to each other. I have a very strong feeling that he likes me too, but not that way because he is straight, a firm Christian and has a girlfriend. Damn, they always are!

Physically, he is not what I've ever envisioned myself to want as a boyfriend. But by being him, he makes my heart flutter in nervousness whenever I'm around him. He is very smart, nice-looking, popular, confident and sensibly mature.

Whenever he and I have conversations, I find myself learning a lot from his leadership. And staring at his lips and stubble! If we were two souls who are not bounded by the limits of gender, universal order or whatever, I think there might be great potential for genuine attachment and romantic regard to happen. 

My fantasies of him so far are mostly never outright sexual. It revolves a lot around us being in the presence of one another, going out to dinner, cuddling up together, or even driving up to a secluded scenic hilltop where we would kiss for the first time.

Throughout the initial weeks, I used to love talking to him. Then came a point where people started getting suspicious of my behaviour because I might have gone a little too far with my loquacity without realising. But then again, colleagues from the current office are of the petty, immature type, and you really can't let that kind of narrow-mindedness win.

At the expense of wanting to protect me, I slowly distance myself from him to let things die down and deter suspicion. This went on for a while and gradually, the crush I had for him slowly dissipated, but came back after a few weeks when I needed to work directly with him again.

There are times like today, where a discussion with him would engender an ultimate feeling of inferiority and inadequacy about myself. I am intimidated by his success and at the same time, emotionally affected by this little crush I'm having. Can he see right through me? Does he think I have what it takes to be as successful as him? Does he think I'm naive or unintelligent? Mercurial?

Anyway, it's already the eleventh paragraph as opposed to the original five I've allowed myself. So I'm just gonna put a cap on my tangential emotions and try to go to bed.

Two Days and Two Years Ago

I've been so preoccupied with my daily routine I almost forgot, that about two days and two years ago, I wrote my first entry on this journal from the tiny living area of my friend's apartment. It was a cold winter's afternoon and I was all alone with my honest thoughts, curled up at the dining table in my depressed hoodie and sweatpants. Little did I know, what I created that day would grow on to become something so symbolic and important to my life.

Two years is not a long time to be writing something, but two years can 'feel like a long time' when you're going through a cathartic process that usually takes years. I've definitely changed, and have grown to understand the bigger picture of things. I started to maturely take more responsibility for my own life, and have adopted new ways of thinking to further augment my sense of personal enlightenment.

In terms of what I've been doing to open up more, I recently came out to my longest guy friend of eighteen years I have not seen in three since 2011. He was surprised, but couldn't have been more unconditionally supportive and loving. It is at times like these that I am grateful for the immense support system the universe silently provided behind my back.

With regard to romance, I might have gained some despondent sexual experiences within the past year, but I still have not made love, or found that boyfriend I've been determinedly harping on. I'm definitely more visible and daring on the gay dating apps with how I position myself to try and expedite more experiences, but have also acquired non-desperate principles where: "If you don't want to talk to me, don't talk to me. I need to focus on building my own life." I'm guessing that that might stem from a sense of exhaustion rather than confidence.

There are times when I am completely okay with what I tell myself, but there are also moments where out of frustration, depression, envy, love-sickness or whatever, I tend to fall back into that space of childish longing. And speaking of childish naiveté, this commemorative occasion reminds me very much of a particular hopeful post I wrote two years back titled 'The Movie In My Head.'

I remember that although I might have been heavily despondent about my situation when I wrote that entry in 2012, but somewhere inside of me, there exist an incandescent determination that was partially made to believe, in my own head, that the M two years down the road might have somehow achieved a taste of the aspired romance that was idealised. Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts on my second year writing Gay & Invisible. I don't know what's going to happen to me down the road, but hopefully I'll be in a different position, writing a different story next year.

Falling Out Relations With A Dutch Guy

I couldn't remember if it was Jack'd or if it was Grindr, but going back to when I first started using the gay dating apps, my eyes caught the thumbnail of a foreign-looking guy on the display tile. "That's odd", I thought. "Why would a traveller or a tourist choose to be 'here' in the suburban outskirts?" I was cruising from home and somehow his presence in the area just didn't make sense. 

Being the restless person who can't seem to leave people alone, I initiated contact with a hello and convinced him to chat on WhatsApp instead. That way, we'll get to exchange numbers. I learnt from the brief conversation that he was a Dutch expatriate a couple of kilometres away.

After a few lackadaisical responses along with his seemingly distant attitude on WhatsApp, I convinced myself to stop being desperate and just move on without any of that 'was-it-me?' baggage that I used to make myself carry. I really needed to learn how to live without it.

So fast forward about 11 months later, a thumbnail of a foreign-looking torso sent me an afternoon message on Scruff asking if I'm horny. I said yeah and requested to see a face picture. Turns out, it was the same Dutch guy. His sudden approach triggered a slight raise to the ego that was bruised the last time he left me hanging. However, I was very nice to him and agreed to a sex date in the late evening because we were both busy in the afternoon.

Nightfall came and I sent him a text asking him what the plan was. Apparently he was still far away in the city centre. He informed me that he was robbed of his belongings and was in the midst of trying to sort things out.

Although I was a little disappointed at the fact that such a misfortune just have to happen at a time when I'm about to meet someone, but I was also worried how he was going to get home without cash. He lives in the neighbouring suburb and public transportation in the state just never has that kind of convenient reach.

He told me he's going to use remaining coins to buy a train ticket to the last subway stop, then call a friend to pick him up. Thinking that I will not let such a thing ruin my chances of meeting him, I offered to pick him up and send him home without any expectations as I would also like to perform a kind gesture on my part. For if I were to be stranded in his situation, I would appreciate it too if someone met me halfway.

As I caught sight of his tall and slim figure at the train station, I called out to him and extended my hand to shake his. Under the bright public lights, I noticed that the man in flesh has aged a couple of years. I took a self-reflective moment and pondered to my inner self if my looks were even worthy of going through what people commonly refer to as "prime years".

By the time we got into the car, our conversation took on a warmer tone and I managed to convince him to grab a cup of coffee with me. On the way to the coffee house, he was telling me about his robbing ordeal and I asked him with genuine curiosity as to what was a Dutch guy like him doing in a corrupted nation like mine that doesn't seem to be heading for positive development.

He told me that he loves the lifestyle and the culture, although now after dealing with the police, he was starting to see why it can sometimes be a frustrating place to live. "There we go!", I answered playfully.

Over coffee, we talked about an array of things, but mostly about him. Through my silent behavioural observation, I was very much aware of the superiority complex and arrogance that is present within many European man. Apart from that, there's also a strong stench of seemingly cold thinking, self-righteous driven judgement, and blunt usage of adjectives on people.

As an expatriate, I learnt that he works for a well established company, and is earning a five to six figure monthly salary that is more than what educated locals can afford to earn here in a year. In his own words, because he makes a good living, he can do "whatever he wants". I guess from his perspective and financial standing, I can definitely see the allure of settling down here.

Gradually, the topic moved on to his previous relationships, and how it turned sour because of the many issues that were partly, but not entirely due to the difference in financial success. His ex-boyfriend was living lavishly on credit debt in lieu of trying to keep up with a "cosmopolitan lifestyle" that was centred around four figure restaurant bills, five-star resorts, intercontinental jet-setting, glamourous event openings, excessive retail purchases and million-dollar cars.

Not only did it became a constant competition for the guy to impress his social circle of gay friends, but it was also his way of trying to deal with the inadequate emotions that stemmed from not being able to handle the financial success of his partner. In typical classic gay drama, it all came to an end with some domestic violence, and a six-figure settlement that involved the bank wanting to close in on the partner's home.

After the relationship ended, the Dutch guy started seeing somebody else. 8 months into the new relationship, this new guy revealed out of the blue that he was actually already in some kind of a financial arrangement with a British sugar daddy, who will be dropping by soon from the United Kingdom for a visit.

As I listened, I sat there in silence and in shock as I tried to digest everything that was told from his perspective. I remember feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole spiritually and morally bankrupted behaviour of those guys, but then again my instincts were also telling me that the Dutch guy could also be downplaying what actually happened and accentuating things for his own image. Suddenly, two voices were rationalising itself in my head.

Me:
Isn't it strange how such a well educated person who grew up in such an advanced country like the Netherlands with such admirable financial and career success here, would 'attract' or perhaps end up with partners like the two guys he just mentioned?

Guess I must still be very naive then with regard to my understanding of human emotion and behaviour.

The Inner Voice: [interjects]
Hold it. Why is he telling you all this? Is he trying to send you a message in case something develops? I don't understand. Does he think that I'm some ordinary young guy who is also after someone like him who is rich, foreign and successful?

Me:
Wait, I DO desire a boyfriend who is rich, foreign and successful. But only for the reasons being that I want to live with a partner of a different culture, and also for the intention of wanting to be in a partnership that could possibly translate into some kind of mentorship, in career and also in life.

The Inner Voice:
But this Dutch guy and his money isn't what we have in mind. Besides, don't we want 'our' own self-earned success, recognition and wealth? That way we can stand tall in our own light. Beats 'being attached' to a rich, successful boyfriend any time for the sake of it.

He: [ talking ]
"I don't go on the apps often because I usually do not want people from the professional circle to recognise me. Besides, it's hard to have a conversation with many of the guys you find on the apps. Like how you and I are talking right now."

As I fell right back into the present, it felt nice to hear his last comment. Soon enough, it was time to leave and I paid for our coffee because I want to make a personal initiative of showing my generosity and openness. While walking away from the coffee place, I found myself wondering if we were going to have a little fun in the car or somewhere else before I drop him off.

My car was soon rolling down the street of an exclusive neighbourhood that is lined with four million dollar villas. I have friends who live in places like these, and for someone to reside in one of these homes from where I come from would probably mean that their parents are doing very well.

He:
"You can stop there, in front of the house with the blue car. I'm currently renting this place until the house I bought down by the lake there is done. It belongs to the new phase of residential development and it's still under construction."

The Inner Voice:
Oh my god! What? Renting a multi million dollar home? A new villa he bought further down by the lake? One that he owns?

He:
"So have a good night! Thank you for coming to get me."

Me:
"No problem! You have a goodnight too."

Throughout the 10 minute drive from his neighbouring suburb to mine, my mind was just bursting with thoughts of fantasy, hope, rationalisation, envy and excitement. If something were to develop between me and him, will I be able to handle his financial success? 

On one hand I allowed myself to be humbled by his capabilities, but on the other, my determined self was so dead set on wanting to live my own destiny and making it bigger than him. Financially, spiritually, characteristically. Oh so you do have a ball of closeted pride inside!

The next day, I held back on the strong urge to contact him, but felt a sense of consolation to see that he sent me a message on WhatsApp asking me how I am. So yesterday evening probably wasn't for nothing at all! This pattern started to repeat itself, with both of us approaching one another every other alternative day.

There are times when I really enjoy chatting to him. I even turned to him for some man to younger guy advice about the time I had sexual troubles with a hot top. I appreciated him so much for the avuncular manner in which he openly discussed those things with me.

However, what turns me off in the conversation is when he criticises people in general so overtly. It might have been via an instant mobile messaging service, but words such as tasteless, stupid and useless which are being used so bluntly on people makes me rethink the kind of soul he has. 

His justification was that he is somebody who speaks the truth and does not waste time. But compassionate thinking, heartfelt consideration and non judgemental understanding are very important things to me. For I deeply believe in the insurmountable intelligence, and reverence those qualities hold in life and in leadership.

About three weeks went by and it started to hit me that this guy doesn't know me at all. He doesn't even make any progressive initiatives to ask me about my life. In his mind, I am just another one of those guys who grew up in a third world country. On one occasion when I demonstrated good knowledge for a field that I studied, he said that he was "surprised" that I knew so much about such subject because people of my nationality are usually ignorant about things.

He then carried on into a full blown attack mode, criticising and generalising every citizen of this country. It might or might not have been heartless, but one should at least from a basic human level consider the feelings of the other person when they speak. The next morning, there were about thirty messages on my WhatsApp stating his point after much defence and disagreement from me.

I might not be the most patriotic person out there, but at least I come from a place whereby I am being taught to stand up for your own wolf pack. So in wanting to curb his rampant criticism and debasement of my fellow citizens, I got in the way of his ego as somebody who tried to ridicule his intelligence.

Throughout rebutting his opinion, I constantly kept a sense of grace and class as I really didn't want to stoop down to his level. However despite maintaining a very open and nice approach, he ignored me completely without a word. So after a one-way Christmas and New Year's greeting on my part, I told myself to let it go, and move on because maybe it's really time that I start believing that I'm meant for someone better.

A Conversation About Identifying Family Patterns

Lately, my writing has been teetering off the edge of being horrible and I hate it. I feel it strongly myself so please bear with me as I continue to pull things out from head-to-journal without giving the elegant fluidity of the language much thought. I shall endeavour to try and write better.

Last week before heading out to my hometown, I went to see my psychiatrist. On top of the medication he prescribes for every visit, he counsels me now and each time, it does help me identify certain issues and things about myself that have been deeply embedded.

For example this week, he and I got to talking about my tendencies of being overly harsh and critical of myself in an unhealthy way. I have a habit of blaming myself when something doesn't go right, and I judge myself in a down-right negative way. He mentioned that it's okay to be critical of oneself, but as long as it's not self-destructive, and in my case, it could do more damage than it will aid my healing.

Me:

"You know what's weird about it? Is that I don't, know where it comes from. I don't know how, or when, or wha... I don't know how it sank into my system. Because I'm sure that with issues like this, it has got to come from somewhere right? Like your upbringing, your background, an event in your life or whatever."

He:

"Yes. And I'm sensing that your parents might have been strict or critical in their way. Or perhaps you probably grew up in an environment where people must have been critical of you, and not necessarily in a good way."

"Was there a lot of affirmation in your life? Do you get reaffirmed, for being who you are?"

Me: [long pause...]

Me:

"I guess there was no affirmation from my father because he's emotionally unavailable. But with my mother, I'd say yes. There were many times where I get affirmation for my choices and for doing what I wanted to do."

"But I think you know... because I am too sensitive, and my mother was so practical in her own way, and strict too in how things should turn out that the constant comparison with other people, criticism and pointing-out of problems or issues might have just dissolved whatever affirmation there was and became the thing I focus on. But speaking of this, why do you think it happens?"

He:

"Well it can be a lot of things but I mostly think it's the culture that we live in. The society. I too personally struggled with affirmation when I was your age and found my way out of it later on on my own in my adulthood."

After talking to him that day, my strong beliefs in a particular life coach's theory about people inheriting the patterns and pathologies of their families sky-rocketed. Particularly if you grew up in a family unit that already has a certain kind of mental or behavioural practice that partially led to you being who you are.

That very same afternoon, my close friend and I were on our way to spending some time in my historical hometown. During the long drive, I started to tell her a bit about my conversation with the psychiatrist that morning. Then, something struck me and I started to ask her.

Me:
"You know, there's actually something that I noticed about you ever since we were friends. I mean it didn't even really hit me until I started opening my mouth a while ago."

She:
"What is it? Tell me!"

Me:
"As we all know, I am a very emotionally expressive person. I express myself verbally, physically, emotionally and also in every other possible form. Which is why I hug, I kiss, I touch and I tell people I love them or I like them. I've always made an effort in letting important people know genuinely how I feel about them."

"And I think 'that' was a gift to me from my mother because she hugs, kisses, touches and playfully caresses us since we were kids. She tells us she loves us and she expresses her love through maternal touch. I realised that because I grew up being okay and comfortable with that, I used that on the people around me too and sometimes, they get weird about it because it's not them or their style."

"So I was wondering if your parents do that to you? You know... touch you, hug you and kiss you often. Or maybe constantly tell you all the time that they love you to your face?"

She:
"I see your point. This is good, so go on. And I think I know what you're getting at. "

Me:
"Because I realised that you're not very good at 'receiving' those gestures. I mean I've constantly told you I love you, I like you, I hold you in deep regard. I've even given you kisses, hugged you tight and held your hand, but each time, you always seem a little stiff, awkward or uncomfortable."

"It's like you have no idea how to respond and I end up thinking that it was me. But actually, now I realised that it's not me, but rather your lack of ability to you know... "

She:
"Yes M. I think you hit a very important point there. One that I didn't even realise until you finished that last sentence! And yeah, I think maybe it's because I didn't grew up with that and my parents have never expressed their love so openly and affectionately like your Mom does. They don't say 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you'. I know deep down as parents, they do feel those things, but they don't express it out.

Me: [laughs]
"No wonder. Bingo! Eureka moment for you!"

She:
"But listening to you talk about family patterns and pathologies, I'm now starting to worry if my children will grow up and inherit this lack of ability to receive affectionate gestures too. The hugs, the touch, the kisses, the verbal expressions... How can I change it?"

Me:
"I don't know... I'm no expert. But at least I'm happy to have helped you identify this issue. And maybe you need to start figuring out for yourself on how to embrace the things I talked about? Don't worry, we'll figure it out as we go along. We'll help each other out in our ways."