Navigation Bar Blue

Thursday 5 January 2023


Happy New Year 2023! Once in a blue moon when I feel nostalgic, I would revisit my own blog and go through some of the old posts that I’ve written. 

I’m older now and whenever I have to type in the name of my blog into the address bar, I would cringe. What was I thinking? It might have been how I felt but to put it as the title of the blog? Haha.

I have thought about changing the name but that would mean erasing the past and origin of this space. 
My plan was to leave it up for a few years before setting it to private or taking it off the internet to be kept as an archive of my thoughts and feelings. 

But then I wondered if leaving it on the internet could still have its potential in helping some people? Particularly younger guys or people who might needed a space to search for answers and found some help in my writing? Did what I wrote even helped someone in the past at all? So I left it.

I've decided to leave a post here in 2023 because I've always told myself to pick up writing this blog again but am lazy. Convinced myself to spare 10 minutes to pen down some words without the tedious editing and here we are.

Saturday 2 July 2016

The Time I Met A Good-Looking Stage Actor

This post was an unfinished write up from events that happened in 2014 in Australia, but never published. So here is the updated and completed version.
    "Aw thank you honey that is so sweet. That's the first time anyone has ever paid for my coffee", he said.
    "What? Come on. You're lying," I said.
    "No that's true. Whenever I go out and meet guys, I always end up paying for the coffee. It's nice to finally have someone buy me coffee for a change."
    "You know I find that a little hard to believe considering how good-looking you look but that's okay, it's my pleasure." I smiled and chastised myself internally at the same time for being so foolishly upfront about my attraction towards him.

We were leaving the café after three enjoyable hours of getting to know each other over coffee. The guy was a beautiful stage actor I first got in touch with on Grindr a few weeks back. I was in my guy crazy irrational mode that evening, cruising incessantly and chatting to every doable profile I can find, only to have wasted almost two to three hours of my life without anything materialising. But it wasn't until this afternoon while at the State Library of Victoria and having forgotten all those contacts from that night, I received an unexpected text from him on my WhatsApp asking me what's up.

I replied spontaneously and before I knew it, I've scored an impromptu coffee date with him within an hour. He asked me in our chat if I remembered what he did for a living and I said yeah, your name is X and you're in the arts. And quite good-looking too, my memory recalls in an evil laughing voice.

"Bingo! Ten points!" was his reply and I found that rather amusing. At three o'clock, I walked down the street and finally met up with the tall and noticeably good-looking stage actor. I was very happy but at the same time had a great ten second laugh in my head.

All this time I've been wishing to go on a date with someone good-looking within my desired age range. Then out of the blue, the universe makes that happen. We get what we want, but not without an interesting twist. And the twist here was that the masculine looking stage actor was very animatedly expressive in an effeminate way.

During the first few minutes together, I couldn't stop smiling uncontrollably to myself. Not because I have a problem with who he is or how he chooses to carry himself, but I was amused at the universe for how it was indirectly trying to teach me that in life, it is perfectly possible for one to get what one asks for, but perhaps not in the exact manner or package we always expect. Hah, I really did not see this coming.

The coffee date with him was amazing. We talked and I asked a lot of questions about his job and his life. Let me just say, he truly is one of the most interesting characters I've met to date. He was soulful, original, dramatic in a hillarious way and a good conversationalist. At five o'clock we parted ways due to prior commitments but was excited at the prospect of getting together again at his home the following day.

A few days later, I found myself knocking on his door on a cold chilly evening. I couldn't understand why was I feeling so particularly happy and excited that I was going to see this guy again. The fact that he was kinda hot made it reason number one. The second reason would be that I actually really like talking and being around him.

I knocked and he gave me a hug. God he smells so good. No cologne, but amazing natural body scent. My inner vampire was starting to awaken. We kicked things off with a brief tour of his home of which he shares with two other stage actors. It was nice to see my stage actor in his own home environment.

    "Are they gay too?"
    "Yes of course," he replied with a big smile.
    "Ever had a 'thing' for any of them?" I teased with a slight kiddie grin.
   "Well one of them is my best friend. His name is Y and he's like my husband. Nothing sexual at all. He and I would talk, I would sleep in his room and he would sleep in mine. I mean we're both just extremely close. Can't imagine my life without him. He's incredibly successful as a stage actor and he's got this mini-empire thing going on for himself."
    "Wow", I said.
   "Yeah", he nods with big excited eyes. "You should see his closet, it's the most amazing one ever. With shoes and shirts in every colour, arranged OCD-ly in a spectrum. See?"
    "Oh my God, I'm so jealous I want this. It's all so neatly arranged like the colour palette on Adobe's Creative Design Suite."
    "Hm-mm. Didn't I tell you?" He smiled with teeth.

We then adjourned to the living room where he introduced me to the vast collection of DVD movies sitting on the shelf. 

   "So would you like to watch a movie darling? Let's pick a title and go watch it in my room."
    "Uh yeah. Sure. What would you like to watch?"  I asked.
    "I don't know. You're the guest honey so I thought I'd let you pick."
    "Why don't you pick and I'll just go along with it?"
    "Hmm okay. Let's... watch... this one! Come on," and we went into his room.

I was a little confused. Are we really going to watch a movie? Maybe he really meant it when he said 'movie'. I probably shouldn't even be hoping for sex right? After all that good energy that has transpired between us? I should feel lucky that I'm already having such a good time with this guy in terms of connecting with him. But damn it. We don't have a lot of time left and I certainly don't wanna waste it watching some motion picture when I can use it to talk.

We went into his room, parked ourselves horizontally on his double bed and started to play the DVD on his laptop. We laid next to each other and all I could do was swerve my eyes sideways to look at him from his porcelain side. His skin, his ear and his neck.

We weren't even two minutes into the film when I opened my mouth and started to engage in a conversation again, completely disregarding the movie as it continued to play on the laptop. Surprisingly, my strategy worked and we were completely engrossed with talking to each other in bed that it didn't matter.

As usual, I loved every minute of our therapeutic conversations. We talked about love, relationships, acting, philosophy, horoscopes and anything else that freely comes to mind. We swapped gay stories and also about general past encounters with guys.

Now here comes the interesting part. While chit-chatting, he and I were sharing a packet of Peanut M&Ms. Yes, the one with the yellow wrapper. He was seated in a cross-legged position with his upper dancer body towering over my head as I continued to lay flat on his arousing bed.

"Here", he said as he spontaneously lifted a blue M&M above my face and dropped it directly into my mouth. "Let me show you", he uttered as he placed another M&M firmly grasped on his own gorgeous lips and leaned down to me.

The entire thing happened so fast that it wasn't until our lips came together and I was breathing in his arousing scent that my mind registered what was actually going on. I accepted the M&M and kissed him back. After a few smooches, he smiled and said: "Yes you can chew now". I giggled on the inside with joy like a teenage girl.

Man, that was one of the most exciting and playful kisses I've ever had a guy do to me so far. I blushed with amusement and quickly finished the M&M before I sat up and we were both caressing and making out again. 

Oh my God, I'm kissing him. I'm kissing him! I can't believe that I'm finally kissing this guy! This good-looking stage actor with a hard dancer body and smells divine. Thank you God for this moment. This is for all the years of pain, fear and inadequacy I have ever felt in school and in my entire life for my homosexual desires and for capitulating to the thought that no guy I lust after will ever 'see' me.

He was so good at his craft that I felt conscious about my own part and knew that I was just an average kisser to him. But I didn't care. This is my moment, and I might not have this opportunity again so I am just going to enjoy myself with him. I could smell his pleasant scent wafting around which made the kiss even more arousing and exciting.

Once our clothes started to come off, he moved over and turned off the bedside lamp, leaving only the blue-light emanating from the laptop to illuminate whatever that is left of us. The candidate has an amazingly toned and athletic body, a great supplement that evidently comes from having to perform on stage.

We continued to kiss, caress, frot and did everything else one could enjoy in bed. I was so happy with the way my evening was going even before it ended. After about thirty minutes of fun and physical love, I came. My essence was splattered all over his sheets, headboard and wall.

    "Aah shit! Shit! I'm so sorry I didn't realise I was going to come a geyser. Damn. That was unexpected", I apologised in slight embarrassment.
     "It's okay, don't worry about it." He said.

Although he himself came and had a good time, but I knew deep down that he's had better kisses and encounters. That made me feel a little insecure and inadequate about my bed skills, but I told myself that everything is a learning curve and if I'm not competent enough, I will just have to meet more guys or put more sex into practice. 

After our fun, my hunger started to set in having not eaten anything prior to meeting him. I asked if he had anything to eat and we rummaged through his kitchen cabinets and found left over bread, biscuits and peanut butter. He made me a cup of tea and we went to sit next to the fire place in the living room while savouring our snacks over heart-to-heart conversations again. Winter still wasn't technically over in the southern hemisphere in October so the fire certainly provided a cozy environment.

Now that sex was away and done with, I was able to concentrate better during our fireside chit-chats without constantly getting distracted with the thought of if we'll get to have sex. Oh wait a minute M, who are we kidding? Even after the sex, we couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of going back to bed and cuddling up to him like a spoilt partner.

We talked more about the many subjects that interest us. But one of the most memorable topics of our conversation that stuck in my head before I left was that we were discussing about people and how challenging it is to live in a world of opinions and under public scrutiny. Of which the following dialogue took place.

    "What people think of you..." he quizzes while looking at my eyes. 
    "Is none of your business", I finished with a satisfactory smirk.
    "But how people treat you is", he adds with a huge smile and an enthusiastic nod. A few seconds of silence fell over us before I continued.
   "Hah! That's good. Good food for thought", I teased as I absorbed the truth in those words. What people think of you is none of your business, but how people treat you is.

Finally, it was time to go before the last inter-suburban train leaves from that particular station back into the city. So we hugged at the door and I just couldn't resist one last lingering smooch on those soft pillow lips of his before I left. God he smells divine and those lips and shoulders feel like heaven.

After that encounter, I never got to meet up with him again before I departed from Australia. That was back in 2014. Fast forward to about six months ago in December 2015 when I happened to be back again in that city for two weeks, I pressured him excitedly for a meet as I really liked his company and was hoping for a catch up. But unfortunately, his will to see me never came to fruition for whatever reason or lack of priority. Initially I was a little frustrated, but decided then to give him his space. I do still think about him every now and then and hope that our paths will cross again as friends.

Saturday 18 June 2016

Stalking An Australian Hoplite at the Gym

This post was written 6 months ago, but never published. So here it is.

My gym is an international fitness franchise and has locations all over the world. So being the restless and 'lovesick' boy that I am, I of course had to check out the local facilities when I go abroad and I'm lucky enough to be back here again in the city by the Yarra.

The branches of my gym here in the city accommodate many very hot and attractive guys. From Greek gods to handsome hoplites, masculine scruff to the cute guy next door, you name it. If only there was some way a guy like me could make slow lazy love to them all.

A few days before this incident, a curious thought floated into my head.  And the thought was that if my current life wasn't real, and if I could start over and be born a hot guy in this city, what kind of hot guy would I like to be? How would I like myself to look and to move? Will that really solve my problems and make me happy? It was an impractical thought but still it came.

So cutting to the main guest of this post, he was this bad-boyish Australian hoplite that my heart got irrationally carried away again. It was similar to my infatuation for the dream boy from Montréal, you know the type that makes you fantasise about marriage and waking up to him in bed. But at least this time I am less crazy than I was four years ago having never even touched a man before in my life.

I first laid eyes on him when he walked in all tall, blonde and suited up from work. It was all very 'Collin Street' in the Melburnian saying or slang. I was working out in the free weights area when he walked over and occupied the last bench on the far left, getting ready for his killer chest exercises. He looked impeccable in his work-out clothes that accentuated his big arms, his wide back and those tanned strong legs. The way his blonde hair dovetailed over his perfectly chiseled face, those bright blue eyes and stubble studded male model jawline. It was out of this world.

Throughout the entire time he was there, I couldn't concentrate on my bicep curls. I tried as hard as I could not to stare like a crazy stalker, but in the end, even that didn't escape his notice. I guess he gets this a lot too from both guys and girls. Sometimes I don't know whether to look away in order not to make him uncomfortable, or to continue the eye-contact to let him know that I am checking him out. 

I couldn't explain it, but my heart was tensed on strings knowing that we are breathing the same air. All I wanted more than anything at that particular moment was for us to lie intimately in each other's arms and for him to tell me how much he loves me and that I love him. Stupid mind fantasies.

After what felt like the longest lingering behaviour on my part, I decided that I have to wake up now and walk away from this impossible dream and smitten trance. But one who has read my stories would know how well that has worked out for me in the past. 

Despite being physically away in the locker room from him, I couldn't get him out of my head. I wanted to catch a glimpse of his topless front chest and those hoplite abs to see how they look like. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm blinded by male desire.

So after a little bit more of loitering around here and there, I was in luck. He finally came into the locker room and undressed into his towel and shorts in preparation for the steam room. I too was headed for the steam room but wasn't sure if he was going to shower or get steamed up. For some reason, the showers and steam rooms are not very popular with the men here as they are back home. Members here tend to leave immediately after their work out. So no surreptitious cruising and hot homosexual fun? Come on!

Australian Hoplite went into the dry sauna with shorts when I was actually hoping he and I could sit in the more visually private steam room. In the spirit of not wanting him to think I'm stalking him, I took a detour and went into the steam room alone to try and get over him. 

But guess what? My weak heart and the slut in me changed my mind in less than a minute upon entering the steam room and I shamelessly walked across the tiled hall to the dry sauna to be close to him. I hear the inner voice go "Oh Jesus M, you have no shame. There's not a medical pill in the world that could cure you!

The moment I entered the dry sauna, you could feel that he knew something was up but could only keep that thought to himself. It's one of those scenarios where you know someone is hovering around you too much, but you can never confront it head on because then it would seem like you have insecurity issues in a 'we're all men here bro' world. Yes babe, I'm in here and I want to cuddle you, make out with you and fall into your golden arms over a romantic afternoon picnic under the shade of a maple tree. Just the two of us.

You wouldn't believe the close up view I have of his entire beauty in there. His chest, his arms, his abs and his quads. It was then while looking at him that I found my impractical answer to the impractical question I pondered earlier about what kind of hot guy would I want to be? On what scale? On what terms and on what looks? Him would be good. I want to be him. He must be on top of the world, I thought. Or as many of us tend to shallowly believe based upon appearance.

In the past, I would have crumbled to the ground on the inside as demonstrated in the many entries written over the years about my unresolved issues with hot guys that has its roots submerged in very bad self-esteem. 

But after going through so much emotional pain and therapy work to come out of such a dark and unhealthy state of mind, I was glad that I could now see and be around very hot guys and still stand firm with the will to move and carry on with my life as myself rather than push myself off the cliff to annihilation. In other words, I no longer blow out my own candle or extinguish my own light out of unworthiness in the presence of something seemingly brighter.

Anyway after a while, I started to feel bad about how my actions could have made him so uncomfortable. Even though he's a very hot guy, but he's a human being too. In the spirit of wanting to diffuse the tension and also to humanise him in the eyes of my unreasonable animal attraction, I decided to talk to him. 

Maybe by talking to him, I would start to see him as a person, an individual rather than the fantasy sexual concept of him in my head. This proved to be a viable solution as him and I had a nice chat and it suddenly brought out a different kind of energy between us. A part of me was hoping for him to say something arrogant or dismissive to make him look like a jerk for my own selfishness, but fortunately or unfortunately he was a very nice guy.

Australian hoplite was twenty eight and lives in Richmond which really shocked me as he looked very mature in the masculine sense. I had the impression that he was actually just blossoming into his very hot late thirties or forties. Knowing full well that he is so close to my age and already has an amazingly successful career and looks what he looks, I felt so inferior and so lost about my own life.

I remember thinking at that point that even if he was gay, he would be insanely out of my league. Like a mere mortal who looks to the moon. I mean let's get real here M. Why would he be with a guy like us? And even if he is with us, how naive can we be not to acknowledge that our own inner issues of insecurity and instability will start to wobble and eventually topple the entire dream?

After the chat, he was ready to leave for the showers. But before he left, he actually reached out his hand and ask for my name. Which felt refreshingly nice because firstly, I'm always the one asking hot guys' for their names. And secondly, because I told myself that I was going to put a firm non-negotiable leash on my stalking behaviour and not ask for his name. Yes, I do have those discussions with myself on the inside.

The shower cubicles at the gym are made out of frosted translucent barriers, enabling everyone to see at least forty percent of the skin-coloured contour and body shape of what goes on on the inside. While venturing into the showers, I was so tempted to take the cubicle next to his, but stopped myself firmly from committing anymore insanity. I walked down further through the hall to the other showers and made sure I left him alone.

Back outside the locker rooms when we were both changing at a distance from each other, I realised how much this encounter with the Australian hoplite reminded me of my run-in with the dream boy from Montréal four years ago. And just like that time, I knew that if I don't in some way do my part in getting his contact now as we cross paths, he will be forever lost in the ocean of people and life. I'm not saying that anything concrete between us is going to happen, or if the guy is even gay, but I still like the idea of being able to 'reach him'. 

This act was more for my peace of mind. It was to know that I did everything I could to keep him in my orbit than to walk away and regret later about the hot guy I once met. There is a wonderful saying once mentioned by my Asian friend which goes something like "Planning lies with man, the outcome with God or the heavens"  and I have come very much to live by that sentence everyday.

Considering my personal restriction of not wanting to ask him for his contact, I had to grow an even thicker face and courage to walk over to him to give him my name card instead. Yes, shamelessly, ruthlessly and daringly. The strategy was to put myself on the line with my chips, and I will leave it to you to make the connection and raise my move. If it doesn't happen, I will know that I've done my part and this connection just isn't meant to be.

Over the next two days, I could no longer contain my thoughts and revealed the entire story to two horrified female friends who although found my story very entertaining and comical, but yet didn't shy away from giggling hair-raisingly at my cringe-worthy actions. "Oh my God, M! I can't believe you did all that thing you said you did."

It was only then when I was working out some thoughts with them that I realised I have absentmindedly grown into a persistent guy who takes risk with people and don't mind being a fool for a couple of hours. I told them that in order to do what I do, one really has to grow some serious balls, be shameless, be unafraid of rejection and to be unafraid of embarrassing themselves.

For each time that you confront your feelings or chase after the possibility of an opportunity, you might have risked your ego, decency or the all important "self-respect" your mind tells you that you have for a short period, but in the long run, you actually gain much more in terms of expanding your own psychological freedom, courage and a higher vantage view of human life.

Tuesday 24 May 2016

Any Fitness Experts Out There Who Can Advise Me on Muscle Building?

Hi guys, I need some help. I was wondering if there are any gym-goers, fitness experts, bodybuilders or personal trainers out there who read this journal? Especially those who are knowledgeable in the area of helping Ectomorphs overcome their stubborn body? I just checked my weight at the gym today and I am helplessly frustrated.

I'm having some problems in my progress of trying to put on more muscle after having put on some. I feel that my growth is extremely slow and I'm currently stuck at a plateau where my muscles mass or body weight isn't increasing. It feels like no matter how much I lift or squeeze, my body just wouldn't bust through my current weight and it's frustrating me out. I have been talking to people, putting myself through trial and error and have been doing research but still no major breakthrough in my body.

Perhaps I am under-lifting, under-eating, or that my work out routine and rep ranges are all wrong? I'm not sure. I would appreciate if someone could willingly take a look at my case or situation and help pinpoint the possible cause. Maybe recommend a solution or advise me? I can provide a journal of my work-outs for the past few months and some information on the supplements I'm taking.

My purpose here is not to 'look' for a trainer, but merely would like to get in touch with someone who can guide me or help me so that I can train myself and achieve my own goal with my own efforts.

Any bodybuilding gym goers or 'people with connections' willing to help a guy out here? If you're willing, please email: so that we can talk more. I will be forever grateful. Thank you so much in advance.

Saturday 14 May 2016

Difficulty Concentrating & Staying Focus In Life

I'm going to use this space to talk a little bit about an issue I've been trying to overcome. In the current successful millennium that we live in, people often speak a lot about the important need to stay focus and goal oriented. Especially for a guy like myself who is considered to be at an age where your ambitious hard work should be paired diligently with great focus to achieving your real world goals. You are supposed to wake up hungry every morning with the drive and mentality of success. Entrepreneurial magazines say it, self-development articles say it, motivational public figures say it.

I know I read these self-improvement things all the time, but when I introspect on the way I think and function in life, I'm actually no where close to achieving that kind of successful energy. In fact, as an adult in my late twenties, I still find myself struggling a lot like a kid in my basic ability to concentrate and stay focus in life. It is like unconscious living or sleep walking your way through being alive.

Whether it's in the form of daydreaming, excessive over-thinking, or even dragging the past into the future and vice versa in the middle of my present, my overwhelming mind has a tendency to astral project itself to hundreds of thoughts and matters all the time. The analogy equivalent would be that it resembles an Internet browser that is constantly trying to load and process hundreds of tabs all at the same time which is fatal to 'staying on path' and can feel very disempowering.

These behaviours, although happen a lot in my everyday repertoires, often has a tendency to reach its peak of conquest whenever I am required to 'sit down' or pool my energy to complete a task. During those moments, my concentration just wouldn't be able to find its center and starts going places. And because of this, I feel so disconnected to life and it worries me. The worry then leads to unnecessary guilt and anxiousness because I can't seem to conjure up the mental discipline to correct my bad patterns.

From time to time when I try to swap agendas up at hand in order to keep the mind interested and hooked, my thoughts then now worry about the previous task. Kinda like when you're on the computer, you think of your bed, but when you go to bed, you think of all the tasks on the computer you could have done if you had just concentrated and be disciplined. 

And on top of everything, my mental indiscipline occasionally gets so bad that all I end up thinking about or could ever think about is, yes you guessed it, sex. I don't even know if other guys could relate to this, but yes I think about sex all the time. And I really mean all the time. It is like my sex thoughts now share the same urgency as breathing. It pops into my head at every chance it gets and lingers for as long as my libido isn't sated.

Sometimes, things get so extreme that I have to halt whatever it is I'm doing on emergency hold in order to go jerk myself off a few rounds before coming back to my tasks. And even so, new sex thoughts tend to arise, and I will have to re-administer a second or a third or a fourth jerk to wash it out of my system. 

All that lack of collectivity, coupled with sex daydreaming makes me a very idle and highly unproductive person. In the end, days and months and years go by and all I end up being if I were to be truly honest, is an unconscious person that gets swept away by the current of his thoughts while 'existing' in life. Like an individual without his anchor.

As I write this down, I'm starting to wonder if my lack of mental control and discipline could actually have its roots embedded deep within my longtime struggle as a human being to get myself to stay centered in life. In other words, the mindful practice of being engaged with reality or the present. Could this stubborn mind of mine who refuses to be grounded breed an unmindful person who is now often never fully present or engaged with the pending reality that is in front of him?

Recently, I got to thinking a lot about the concept of unconsciousness, consciousness awakening. Consciousness of the mind I feel in this context, is the ability to stay centered, on path and fully awake in the current reality in front and not be carried away by your thoughts and sensual desires. Knowing full well what you need to do and what is needed to be done in order to keep moving forward towards achieving goals and attaining progress.

Mental unconsciousness could range from not noticing what happened between your drive home from the supermarket, to not knowing how you got from 22 to 27 within a span of five years. What I'm currently experiencing, the struggle for concentration and presence in reality, is a form of unconsciousness. Whereby I allow myself to be easily pulled by thoughts and drown in the my own tsunami of naval-gazing that sabotages my progress rather than take control. I haven't exactly figured out the details of what the plan is and how I am going to overcome this, but writing it down is definitely the first step towards therapeutic healing, followed by the next conscious course of action.