The Time A Bisexual Chef Opens Up About His Struggles

I am about two months behind my writing so most of these stories have actually taken place a couple of weeks earlier. Back in September, I remember going through one of those restless days where I felt so unfulfilled and started to cruise excessively on the gay apps. But as usual, nothing positive ever comes to fruition whenever I 'fish' this hard.

It wasn't until when I've decided to let things go and was on the bus home when a faceless profile on Grindr said hi to me. I couldn't remember if he did it immediately or after a few chat bubbles, but turns out, the guy was good-looking in his early thirties when he revealed a face picture. He asked to meet that evening, but I was already set on going home so we decided to regroup the following day instead via text message.

So on Friday afternoon, I caught a train from Central Station to meet him at his suburb. Upon my arrival at the destination, I got a text from him telling me that he was still on his way home from running some errands in the city, and will be here in about twenty minutes. Twenty minutes?! Fine. Fine! I can wait twenty minutes. I'll just humour myself with mental jokes while I wait.

Throughout the next thirty minutes, many trains came and go on the platform but still, there was no guy. He called me once to tell me he was on his way and I thought although that was a good initiative on his part, but I still felt a little annoyed. Actually scratch that, I was beginning to feel pissed.

I started to feel as if something isn't right regarding this behaviour, and voices started to appear in my head. "Forty-five minutes of waiting? Jesus M, why do you still bother? Why don't you just walk away? Wait, what if he turns out to be an inaccurate depiction of his picture? What if he is not a legitimate guy? What if he is on drugs? Why are we putting ourselves through anxious situations like these? For the experience?"

After about close to an hour, his text came and we met on the platform staircase. He appears to have gone shopping, was wearing shades and was dressed like a retired fraternity boy. I could have opted for making a big fuss about how he left me waiting for a goddamn hour, but you know what, nothing positive can come out of displaying such childish energy so I let it go.

Apparently, we needed to take an additional five minute cab ride back to his place. I was on the verge of losing my patience but told myself not to back out now. I was also very tempted to tell him that this sex date isn't going to work out due to me not feeling any good vibe. However, I kept my mouth shut and went with the flow.

The taxi finally came to a stop in front of this brick terrace house and he paid for it. On the outside, it looks like no one bothered to do anything with it. But on the inside, it was amazingly cozy and tastefully decorated thanks to his female house mate who works in fashion and publishing. He lives with a girl? His best friend?

He took off his shades and I thought his eyes were beautiful. I walked into the brightly-lit kitchen and hovered around the wooden dining table while we shot the breeze and he busied himself. Finally, I closed in on our distance and kissed him, although I swear I could have felt his aloofness. After a few more pecks, we moved into his bedroom which at the moment, was in an acceptable mess. I could have judged him, but decided not to. For some reason at the back of my head, I thought that there could be a story behind this, but never really dwell on it.

I would say that overall, the guy was physically attractive. He had a nice athletic body, nice eyes, nice hair, nice lips and nice skin. He smells great too thanks to his cologne which was the perfect mix with his natural odour. If he wore a tux at a formal event, he could hunt if he wanted to.

There were lots of kissing, sucking and foreplay on my part for a good fifteen minutes before he decided to come. However, throughout the time we were in bed, I could feel very strongly that there were vulnerable moments from him. My mind registered that he was either holding back on this sex date, or that he had issues pertaining to homosexuality.

After he came, I decided to jerk myself off to ejaculation with the both of us lying next to each other. It wasn't the most smooth-flowing of sex dates, but that's fine. Then he cuddled me with an expression that seemed to suggest great confusion. The atmosphere in the room was awkward and resembled very much like I was in a sensitive moment, and that I was the only one making the moves.

Then he looked at me and apologised. He said that he feels a little weird right now after having fun because he actually just broke up with someone a few days ago, and it was a girl. An electrical wire in my head instantly jolted itself to live. Ah-ha! So that's why!

Upon hearing that, my heart soften in great empathy. I then took the initiative to reassure him that it's okay, and that I understand, and that he doesn't have to feel bad about this sex date. In this instance, I was very grateful to how honest he was with me. Because I'd rather go with transparency, than having to walk away later on, trying to figure out what went wrong or what was the damn issue. And now, I know.

Immediately after his confession, I tried to respect his distance and proceeded to put on my clothes because I felt his discomfort. My plan was to leave but he invited me to stay for a cup of coffee and I agreed, thinking that I might also use the additional time to help him talk about what he was struggling with.

     "Piccolo latte for you?", he asked while trying to handle the espresso machine.
     "Yup, thank you. So what is it that you do?"
     "I work at a restaurant in the city. I'm a chef."
     "Oh culinary arts! That's cool. So what cuisine do you specialise in? French, Italian?"
     "No specific genre, but generally western cuisine."

Finally, he walked over to the table with two cups of coffee in his hand, sat down, offered me some chocolates as we continued to talk on a chilly late afternoon.

     "So your house mate has great taste. This place is just so cozily decorated. I love it."
     "Yeah she does. She works in fashion and also in publishing."
     "Does she know you have guys over?"
     "Yeah, but only when she's not around or at work."
     "So are you guys close? Do you like talk to her about your personal stuff or whatever it is that you're going through?"
     "Yeah I do. We're kinda like best friends."
   "You know just out of curiosity, is there a label that you identify yourself with? You mentioned in the room that you just broke up with... a girl? 
     "Yeah it was a she."

    "Forgive me if I seem unusually fascinated. I've never actually met a guy from Grindr who tells me that he has relationships with woman too. It never crossed my mind that you are a 'bisexual' so to speak, although I don't know how comfortable you are in labels, or if it's even fair for me to use labels such as that to refer to your situation."
     "No sure, go ahead," he said.

    "So what's it like? Have you always known that you went both ways while growing up? Because for a long time in my life, I've known for myself secretly that I was sexually attracted to men, and men only. But during the closeted period between eighteen to early twenties, I actually dangled the bisexual card with some close friends to justify my denial and to test the water, even though I knew it was a lie. It was a denial-cladded tool for me to acknowledge my homosexuality without having to say, I'm gay. You know what I mean?", I added in detail.

    "Yeah. Being with both men and women isn't as fun as how people like to think it is. Contrary to having it all, this is something that has been bothering me. I mean I still struggle with it everyday", he says.

     "Really? You mean to come to terms with it or... to pick a side? Or..."

     "I don't know, it's really complicated, and hard to articulate", he answered.

   "Hey, that's okay. No judgement, I understand. You know I actually thought all along that swinging both ways is kinda like a privilege. A privilege that you can be open to both", I said.
    "Nah it isn't. It's like having two personalities living in you. You are not completely gay, but neither are you completely straight. I can't call myself gay because I'm not a hundred percent gay, and I can't call myself straight because on top of sleeping with girls, I have desires to be with a guy too. So I still can't figure out what this is and it's just really messy", he explained with slight despondency.

     "You know, maybe there really is no straight forward formula or answer to this case. Have you ever thought that maybe part of the lesson here is that you need to be okay with what you are and that maybe you really don't need to try so hard to put yourself in a box? Because the thing with sexuality is that there is an entire grey area that people refuse to acknowledge. People want the simple gay or straight which I think is no longer applicable in the 21st century that we live in. By the way, have you opened up to your circle of friends regarding your struggles?", I asked in the most understanding tone.

  "Yeah I did. I tried to come out as gay once but I just ended up dating girls again. Sometimes I talk about it with them but they can't seem to understand. Just like every other person in this world who might not be going through a certain problem, they can't relate or have no idea how it really feels."

     "Yes yes. I know what you're getting at and I agree."

    "Actually my ex-girlfriend and I kinda broke up because of this issue. I have a lot of issues to deal with and my insides are fighting with each other."

    "So tell me this, do you think... you're more attracted to guys? Or are you more attracted to girls? I know this might sound like a very personal and forceful question on my part, but just think about it for a moment. Reflect on your historical pattern, which side seem to exude a more powerful pull?"

      "Hmm, I don't know. But I can tell you that whenever I'm in a relationship with a girl, I want to be with a guy. But when I'm with a guy, I don't feel like I need to be with a girl." 

     "Really?", I nodded my head simultaneously as my eyes illuminated with heightened interest.

      "But when I'm with a guy for too long, I do still think about not wanting to give up that white picket fences suburban dream I share with a wife and dog."

     "Sounds like you really are trying to work out a lot of things and are struggling with your identity."
    "Yeah I am. And this, this... this is weird. I just told you a bunch of stuff I don't even really tell my friends. I've never met a complete stranger, or some guy for a sex date for which I end up telling him my story or have this kind of therapeutic conversations with."

   "Thank you. I actually love talking to people. It keeps me alive, and it's often the most rewarding and meaningful part of my meet with guys. Have you heard of the Kinsey Scale?"

     "Kinsey what? No. What's that?", he asked.

    "Kinsey scale. I don't know if this information might untangle some knots or provide you with a better understanding of who you might be, but look it up on the internet. Kinsey scale. It's a study coined by a man named Alfred Kingsley, used to measure a person's sexuality on the scale of 0 to 6, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual and 6 being exclusively homosexual. I happen to know that I am a pure 6. But his theory suggests that there exist an entire grey spectrum of sexuality for which people can fall anywhere between a 2 to a 5, ranging from predominantly heterosexual and incidentally homosexual or vice versa, to equally heterosexual and homosexual."

As soon as I finished that dialogue, his eyes lit up in curiosity, which seemed to suggest that I might have unknowingly opened a small window in his heart.

    "Can you send me a text with the name?", he requested.

    "Yeah sure. Maybe it might offer some form of light to your struggles? Anyway, you'll be fine. Don't worry. You'll figure yourself out eventually. Maybe there is just no straight answer to your search. Maybe you need to be okay with it. You know, this year I met a German backpacker who was so lost, and was struggling to find some answers pertaining to his life, and I remember asking him about how he would feel if reached 70 or 80 having never found what he commanded himself to look for. And he said something like, although he would be very disappointed, but maybe part of his destiny or goal for this life, is to learn how to be 'okay' with not finding the ending you want. To learn how to live in peace and to be at peace with the way your life has turned out."

He listened intently as I finished my last gulp of coffee. Then we timed my departure to coincide with a bus that was arriving in a couple of minutes at the nearby bus stop, headed for the train station. While on the journey back into the city, I remember feeling this very powerful feeling of gratitude that I get to witness and learn more about the world and its people through the eyes of these dates.