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Thursday, 13 September 2012

What if I Told You I Don't Want to be Gay?

A while ago, I was having an extremely low moment where all sense of logical thinking flew out a window and needed to call one of my friends. She didn't pick up. But after 10 minutes she called me back.


Me: [despondent]

"You called?"

Me: [despondent]
"Yeah I um..."

"What's up?"

Me: [sigh]
"Well I was..." 
"I was just having a bad moment that's all."

"Why, what's wrong?"

"It's okay let's just talk about something else."

"No, tell me!"

Me: [sigh]
"I was just thinking, what if I told you I didn't wanna be gay?"

"What if you told me you didn't wanna be gay?"


She: [deep sigh]

"I mean what would you say to me if I told you I don't wanna be gay? I know that I admitted this to you but what if I tell you now that it's not what I want to be?"

"Well I would say it's who you are, and unless you can find a way around to accept yourself, you're never going to get out of the state of mind you're in. Unless you can find a way around it, you're going to have to kill yourself for real... But I would prefer that you didn't because I wouldn't support the latter."

Me: [sigh]
"But I don't know how. I don't, know, how."

"You have to accept it."
"There's just no other way."

Me: [silent]

"We can be here for you, and we'll always be here for you. But we can't walk this life for you. No one can."

Me: [deep sigh]
"I know..."
"Can't believe this is something that I really have to get through, and it sucks." 
"It really sucks."

She: [silent]

"I refuse to go through with being gay because in my mind, being gay is tough. And tough not just in the straight-majority world that we live in because I'm starting to think that that isn't so much of a problem any more, but in the gay world itself."

"I know it sounds stupid, but part of the reason why I keep holding on to that thought is because I think I'm alone in it. That unless someone is in it, it's difficult to understand how it works or what goes on in this life. The gay world I've experienced so far is not a fun place to be. In fact, it's cold, abrupt and 'hey-nothing-personal-you-just-don't-have-the-right-packages'. I don't have the heart to face it because it's damaging me more than it's making me feel welcome."

"I don't wanna put myself in there because I know that it will only push me further away from what I'm trying so hard to build for myself, which is self-contentment and inner peace. Physicality and discrimination has never been more prevalent in the molecules of our air than in the gay world itself. I kinda felt it when I first ventured into circles with gay people and I have never felt so low and so worthless about myself. Kinda feels worse than what the normal world has ever made me felt. But yet, I can't shut myself off from the gay community because I have to be in it to be okay with it."

"The other thing that I found difficult is when you're gay and coloured. I mean no one is going to tell you that there is a problem with being gay and white. It's when you don't measure up to those standards then things get difficult." 

"I can understand why our world spins this way because it is what it is and it's nobody's fault. But what I wanna know is that, what's going to happen to someone like me who weren't so lucky with having things easier you know? Like coming from where we live."

"I can have all the personality and character but when I put myself in the community, I feel an invisible person amongst the other guys who are more than okay with being who they are. So I really don't know how this is ever going to work out for me... "

"It takes time... It will work out. Maybe not now but later on it will."

"You know, I really wish I didn't have to put myself through this whole 'trying to find my peace with being gay' thing. Sometimes, I want to belong to the straight world, even if it means being closeted. I feel like I'm waiting and loitering outside a towering gate, looking into having things be so much simpler and easier again. But it will never be."

"We're all riding on different boats. However at moments like these, I really wish I was granted the golden ticket to be on your boat. When I look at you guys, I feel so singled out and alone because although we might be friends on a similar ship, but I'm not exactly on 'your deck' with the others. We are so close together, but yet I'm the one who ended up being different."

"As usual, I didn't manage to cross over. Once again, I feel like the kid who wasn't lucky enough to make the cut. It goes to show that all of the inadequacies and fears that I've felt while we were in school, were every bit real. It all caught up to me."

"Listen M, I... "
"I really don't know how to help you... But I'm here to listen. "

Me: [calms down]
"Look it's okay... I'm so sick of listening to myself talk about this. But as usual, I just wanna thank you for being you. Thank you so much for always being there and for always listening to me. I know that at the end of the day, I'll have to take care of myself and figure things out. I don't know what I did wrong, but I guess this is something that I have to go through in life. I just hope that things will start working out for me."



  1. Wonderfully thoughtful and moving conversation for which I thank you for posting. For me it sadly indicates that some things don't change no matter how far down the road we've come in terms of equality and acceptance. I used to have the same thoughts and whilst I can't offer any answers or classic words of wisdom and say every turns out great in the end and we all live under a rainbow sky. It gets easier to copy with all the shit and hard work in time, either that or you become numb to it all.

    1. Hi Jason, thanks for the comment. Listening to the input of others who are way ahead in their journey, have sort of prepared me for what to expect. Which can sometimes demotivate my will to look forward. But this is life and what you're saying is very true, over time you'd become numb to it all. I just hope that day doesn't come so soon because then I might lose the urge to write. Any advice for me?

      Take care man, stick around.

  2. Just found your blog through a link on "Mind of Mine," and I've skimmed a bit, including the posts on Self-Acceptance. As I was reading this one, it occurred to me that part of the problem may be trying to live in what you call the "gay world." Why not just live in the world? If there are gay people you encounter, fine (and there certainly will be). But when you put yourself in explicitly gay environments, you treat it as putting yourself into a competition or a search where you are a failure if you don't measure up to everybody else.

    You don't have to measure up to all the other gay guys. No law says gay guys have to go to gay bars. clubs, etc. If you really enjoy it, fine (but it doesn't sound as if you do). If not, don't torture yourself. Just live the life you want to live, doing the things that interest you and going to places you like.