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Monday, 17 September 2012

The Most Essential Things Are Invisible To The Eye

Yesterday while hanging out in a book store, my mind dislodged itself from the present and veered off course on its own. I thought about me being gay, my existence in life, this invisible blog and my unwillingness to walk away from the superficial aspects of being gay by constantly dwelling into the hopeful fantasy of one day finding a hot guy and having a life with him. 

I thought to myself:
"Why won't I stop it? Despite recognising my ineligibility to superficiality, why am I still yearning for the day to one day be with a hot guy rather than a good guy? A good guy as we all know it, is the real deal regardless of his physical appeal. A hot guy unless good on the other hand, is still an impermanent element that could lead to wanting the wrong things in life."

"We live in a world where you can only have one, the hot guy or the good guy. To have them both exist as one, and be yours without a single catch, is not going to happen to you. When will you wake up and accept the fact that you are not that special or chosen to relive the same destiny as Charlie from the chocolate factory? Maybe it's time to put a bottle cap on that fiery determination."

Then, I had an idea. I shut my eyes for a good couple of minutes with the intention of temporarily suspending my gift of sight and wondered if a handsome, hot guy standing in front of me would now matter as much as before I closed my eyes?

With the absence of sight, my instincts and secondary senses were now individually more focused, magnified and attuned to perceive the world as it is. I felt an immediate shift in gear to my mode of operation as my mind grapples with the idea of relinquishing it's reliance on visual perception for judgement. For the first time, I knew how it felt like to genuinely appraise and listen to life with just my heart. The difference in clarity was indeed very substantial.

The hot guy is extremely pleasant on the eyes and a great element to sex. But my world is now pitch black and at a continuously blind moment like this, I realised I no longer cared about the physical appeal of the guy standing in front of me. In fact, I want a good guy who is loving. Because then when we kiss, I know I will be kissing his heart. When he stands beside me, I'll know it's because he genuinely wants to because he loves me. And when we're being intimate, I'll know that I'm touching and feeling him for the person that he is. His heart, his mind and his soul.

I felt so vulnerable, but in a good way. I reopened my eyes and tried to allow the value of what I've just experienced, sink in. But once again, will it get past my stubborn "head" (whichever one) for wanting to look past superficiality?

Later on while browsing through the best seller's section, I stumbled upon the cover of a novel with a tagline that says: "There's no point wishing what happened didn't happen." The novel depicts the struggles of a teenager, who realises the new found hardships and change in her social environment upon turning deaf. 

My immediate thought was: "Hey, that sounds familiar". That tagline resonated a lot with how I've always felt in life, as a person who constantly ponders about the hardships and struggles that come with always having to face one life-changing circumstance after another. In trying to cope, my mind keeps going back. Hoping that whatever it is that went awry would go ahead and right itself, wishing whatever that happened didn't have to happen to me because it's corroding my faith and taking a toll on my confidence in life.

Before Bed
Then, that night before bed, I was mindlessly browsing through an e-book catalogue and came across a free version of The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Andersen. I downloaded it and saw a single page spread in the book with the following quote:

"It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, for the most essential things are invisible to the eye." - Antonie de Sainte Exupery

Wow, I thought. Not only was it a profound saying in its entirety, but to have me stumble upon it unintentionally at the end of a day like this? And especially after my personal experience and everything that happened at the book store? The day's journey was pretty much summarised in that moment of discovery. Sometimes, I really don't know if I should just marvel at the coincidental happenings within the passage of 12 hours, or believe in guardian angels.

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