Coffee With a Cute Guy and More Growth

About 2 weeks back, I exchanged numbers with a cute guy on Grindr named B and have kept him on my contact ever since. Yesterday on a late Sunday afternoon, I made my way into this particular area of the city centre to meet him for coffee, even though I wondered to myself if it was such a good idea to hang out in the same place again after all the depressive feelings it gave me.

The place was packed, but I found a table and waited with fidgeting hands for him to arrive. I was a little nervous at how the evening was going to turn out. I know we were meeting as acquaintances, but deep down, I held on to the possibility of making out with him even though I was prepared for nothing to happen.

B arrived and I stood up to shake his hand. He was every bit as attractively good-looking, and as masculine as his pictures. Although what was recognisably gay about him were his subtle gestures, way of speech, body language and Topman-inspired style of dressing. But even so, the whole package was physically attractive.

As a gentleman who offered to buy him coffee, I finally returned to the table with our drinks in hand feeling slightly more confident. He intimidates me very much because not only was he 4 years my junior and attractive, but he also commands a certain air of maturity around him.

I told him that because of his good-looks, I was betting on not getting a reply the first time I reached out to him on Grindr. He laughed and said everybody tells him that. Throughout the 4 hours that we sat down together, the conversation revolved mainly around me getting to know him. He is openly out to his friends but not his family. 

I felt a strong sense of inferiority within myself when he talked about the many gay experiences he's had. Whether its gay friendships, gay relationships, going to gay clubs, sexual encounters, gay parties and also how in touch he was with gay life. I even learnt a few tips from him on what to look out for.

What amazes me was the positive way he turned out as a guy who went through an abusive childhood mainly from his alcoholic father who passed away couple of years ago. I asked him where he stood in regard to sadness and if he ever had a problem with his homosexuality. His answer was never because he has always been comfortable with who he was and started to explore the moment he turned 18.

He explains that he prioritises himself first and is generally a very happy person who doesn't seem to have one depressive gene in his body. He also mentioned about his past failures and his weight-loss journey to attractiveness, which started getting him a lot of attention not just from other gay guys and straight girls, but also propositions for part-time modelling gigs. 

He said despite it all, he doesn't feel that he's good-looking. I went on to reaffirm that he was and asked if he enjoys the attention. He said he certainly enjoys it but doesn't believe in it. I was quite amazed by how this guy continues to maintain a very humble and down-to-earth personality. In addition to that, he told me that he's actually a very shy and passive person at heart.

Through my years of growing up around people, I have come to develop an accurate sixth sense-like feeling when it comes to gauging someone based on their genuineness. And surprisingly after everything we talked about, I realised that he is unmistakably a very nice guy at heart who is attractive in body and in personality. I felt the familiar arrows of inferiority and insecurity pierce through me as I tried to ignore the pain.

After about 3 hours of observation, it struck me that we didn't really talked much about me and that he didn't really bother to ask questions too. There were many intervals throughout our conversation in which I waited for him to do so, but he just sat there comfortably in silence and in cool.

A part of me tells me: Nah it's okay, it doesn't matter. His young, passive... Probably isn't very interested in asking an older guy about his life. But then another part starts to tell me: Wait a minute, that still doesn't feel right. Is something wrong? Better pay attention to what it means and the signs life is sending you!

During the last hour of us finishing up our coffee, he started to point out the guys who have been giving him eye-contact to me. On one hand I was fascinated as an observant, but on the other I felt a little left out.

I curiously asked why doesn't he reciprocate the eye-contacts by approaching them head on and saying "Hi". He said it's not his style and plus, he doesn't like being invited to the toilet for some sexual fun. I mentally wrote a note to myself and immediately jettisoned whatever make-out ideas I had with him in my head.

The interesting part of our hang out was when he proceeded to identify every gay guy that started to pass us by. As somebody who has never been with another gay guy who does that, I enjoyed it immensely because I felt it was a practical lesson for me in gaydar development. An old guy with giant biceps worthy of concrete columns walked past and he commented: "See that one is obvious man!"

"Hell yeah! Is that because of his age and the ridiculous size of those guns?", I asked. "Yeah definitely!", he replied and we both laughed. Gradually, he also started to notice some of the guys he has seen on the gay apps and proceeded to point out those who have previously tried to sent him messages. That's quite a number of guys, I thought to myself.

His Grindr has been on all along and he starts showing me a couple of guys that have been messaging him ever since he arrived in the area. A good-looking guy from Australia within close distance has been talking to him, but gave B some lame excuse when he was asked to come by and say hello. I felt envious of the attention he commanded and wondered if I will ever get the same treatment.

At the thought of challenging myself to see where I stood, I decided to use the wi-fi and launched my gay apps. Initially I didn't realise it at all, but suddenly my eyes were telling me that the table behind us were all gay too. 

"Yeah! They all are. It's so obvious!", B reconfirmed the 3 guys behind us, along with 4 other guys that were seated at the table next to us.

"Wow, you knew this all along? I wasn't even aware of it until the moment I just told you!", I said. 

"Yeah they all reacted big time when they saw me using Grindr on my phone! I think they're using it now too!", said B. I took a glance and all of them at the table were indeed engrossed on their phones. 

"Hey, one of the guys just sent me a message! Is this picture him?", B showed me the profile picture that was on his screen. I took another glance at the table behind and nodded my head.

"Which one of the 3?", B asks. I said the one with the green cap but proceeded to comment on how masculine he looks in the picture in contrast to his real life mannerisms.

"Hey I think they recognise our profiles. They're currently giggling among each other as they look over to us", I said impassively.

"Hahaha, well they could just turn around and say 'Hi'!", B replied with a subtle roll in his eye. "We're right behind them."

After a while the guys around us left. B was still enjoying the attention he was getting on Grindr. I unfortunately wasn't having much luck. I sent the same Australian guy a message but never got a reply. In fact, his profile disappeared from my grid after a few minutes which meant that there was a possibility that he blocked me. That hurt but I tried not to dwell on the feeling.

The time was close to 8pm and B had to leave. So we shook hands, gave each other a hug and he left while I stayed back to see if there was a chance of me getting lucky. A French guy got in touch, but halfway through he left me hanging. 

After that, a few other guys did the same too which dug out annoying frustration in me. I continued to exchange more messages with a couple more guys whom I found attractive, but nothing concrete seemed to materialise.

Then my mind started to turn destructively on itself as I compared the attention B was getting in comparison to me. I could have easily believed that it has nothing to do with me as a person or how I look or whatever, but my self-esteem took a negative dip and I started to feel very depressed sitting alone in public.

"Christ, look at you M. You know this would happen and you knew that hanging out here would depress you. Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? You're pathetic! You're just sitting around like a puppy, messaging every attractive guy on the apps and just waiting for them to respond to you in a non-lackadaisical way when you don't even have enough respect for yourself not to be affected by it. Why do you try so hard? Why have you become so consumingly desperate? And for what?"

After the voice gave it's input, I wondered if this horrible feeling was life's way of trying to teach me something that I have yet to realise. I suddenly felt an intense surge of anger and frustration. I left the coffee house to take night walk in the opulent city park, hoping that I would calm down.

As I walk, I saw that the whole world within the area was so happy. It made me feel like the loneliest guy on Earth in this skyscraper dotted park. I felt lost and I felt sad. I thought about my career, my happiness, and the many aspects of my life that is unfulfilled and struggling to play catch-up.

I lifted my head and looked up to the sky without knowing what I was doing. I looked up with a constricted heart, wondering if there truly was a "presence" who could see me now? Does he or it know who am I and what I'm going through? Does he or it care about the person and the pure-hearted boy that I am, and does that make a difference?

As those sentiments coursed through my veins, I felt a tingling burn in my nose and I started to cry as I walk. Through the trees, past the children's playground, past the lake, across the bridge, past the crowds, past the lovers, wiping my tears discreetly through it all. After completing a big round around the park, I headed for the train station to go home.

45 minutes later, the train I was in approached its final platform and I suddenly welled up again in the midst of my thoughts, but held back because I was in public. As soon as I got out of the station, I walked in fast strides towards the car because my eyes were already flooded with the second batch of tears.

As I got in and shut the doors, I sat there for a blank eerily cold moment of silence. Then I felt the heat build up again in my nose and this time, I started to weep. I wept, and wept, and wept in the driver's seat like somebody who hasn't had a good cry in a long time.

I was sobbing so hard against the steering wheel for all the things and emotions that seem to have expanded inside of me. My inferiority, my insecurity, my sense of worth, my self-loathing, my lost of direction in life and everything else that is troubling me.

After the long cry, I finally stopped, calmed down and cleaned myself up. As logic made its way back into my head: "Wow. Feels much better now. Jee, I hope that was it. What the hell was that? Gotta stop being a baby and move on."

I started the ignition and took a slow drive home. I avoided my Mom and headed upstairs to take a hot shower. As I laid in bed, I instinctively opened my tab to write all of this down. But I was just too exhausted with my emotions that I chose to go to bed and come back to write this the next day when I feel more recharged with a clear head.

Spotting Hot Guys in My Historical Hometown

Last Friday, this close girl friend and I were spending some time together in my historical hometown down south where I was born. As we strolled along a lively street that was lined with alfresco seating pubs and bars during the night, a table of tourist eye-candies caught my attention and I tried to walk it off.

"Oh M, I know you want to sit here so that we can look at them", my friend said while looking at me with a smile. I said yes they're very hot. But I don't want to torture myself again tonight by looking at hot guys so let's just go to the bar in front.

After choosing a table outdoors and ordering our drinks, we settled down to enjoy the crowded atmosphere and the live band that was playing. I obviously got restless at some point and started to people watch as I gulp my bottle of chilled beer. There are lots of attractive people here too.

Then I recognised the towering hot guy seated at a table in front of us. Earlier on while we were strolling around this quaint town, I've seen him around too and deliberately earmarked him as high on the hot list of hot guys I've seen for the day. And now, he's right here within spying distance. 

He was wearing a shirt that accentuated his beautiful muscular V-back and his concrete well built physique. He has perfectly short blond hair, haunting deep eyes, defined nose, chiselled jaw and an arousing stubble. His neck, biceps, arms, legs and thighs seem to suggest that he is capable of giving out good genes. He was a full grown adult male and I can smell his male pheromones. I felt a slight tremble in myself. Damn, he's my man. I love him.

For the next hour, I couldn't keep my eyes off him and groped every part that is 'him'. Jesus God! I know all the things I'm gonna wanna do to that body and have him do things to me. I didn't like the fact that he was seated with his date, an exotic looking hot girl who could play a role in one of those island setting films. They were engaged in each other with relaxed interest, looking like they were in their "honeymoon stage" of dating. I felt a stench of jealousy.

"M, stop looking at him! You're making me look too! He's really hot...", said my friend as I laughed. I told her I can't help it. "Did you see all the other girls that were checking him out as they walk by?", she asked as a matter of factly. In order to stop looking at him, we tried to divert our focus towards looking at other people and also trying to guess which couple or person here will be "getting lucky" tonight.

Then the hot guy paid for the bill with his credit card and started to stroll away with his date. We turned out heads and finally there was touching and hugging between them. "Ho ho! He's getting lucky with her tonight. No wait, actually... she's getting lucky with him tonight. Oh wait... Well let's just say they're both gonna get lucky tonight M!", she said to me with a slight chuckling tease.

My mind started to imagine him having fun with her, the intimacy between them and of how he's going to grant somebody else the chance to enjoy sex with him. My face was ridden with jealousy even though it's none of my business. Suddenly, the inner voice scolds: Oh my god, M what the hell are you doing? It's none of your goddamn business who he sleeps with. Stop it! Stop it right now.

After about 30 minutes, I was still paying attention to everybody on the street. Suddenly, I spotted another good-looking foreigner dressed in a black T-shirt walking side by side with a younger plump local guy who was less pleasant to the eyes. I can't explain it, I knew instinctively that they were a travel hook-up because I had a hunch that I might have also seen the good-looking guy on the gay apps about an hour ago.

As soon as I saw the good-looking guy turning onto our street, I kept my eyes on his to see if I was right. Somehow within the sea of people, he immediately caught my gaze and he looked back with his beautiful eyes for a few lingering long seconds as he continued to walk past us. Jackpot he returned my eye-contact! He's gay and he's cute!

I couldn't get that erotic eye-contact moment out of my head so I turned on my gay app and sent a message to the good-looking guy's profile hoping that it was him. He answered me a while later in French and my heart jumped in excitement at the language. After a couple more messages, I discovered that it really was him and he's a traveller from the city where beautiful people would pass me by every day.

I started to ask if there was a chance of us hooking up, but unfortunately my city was not on his itinerary. I was a little disappointed because I couldn't get his beautiful eyes out of my head. Anyway, we exchanged contacts and I requested to keep in touch. Hopefully next year if I ever travel back there again, we'll have the chance to meet for real.

On our way back, I apologised to her if I might have been too inexplicably carried away with my hot guy infatuation. She laughed and said it's okay. I told her about my feelings of unworthiness and lack of confidence when I see hot guys.

I said: "Remember the Law of Attraction? You know whenever I see someone out of my league, my mind automatically generates these feelings of unworthiness in the form of 'I don't have, I can't have, I'm not handsome enough etc'. Maybe that's why nothing comes to me because I am telling the world I am unworthy." 

"Recently I'm starting to think that maybe the lesson here is to start learning how to turn those feelings around to trick your mind to start feeling the feel of: 'I have' or 'I can have'. Because that changes the energetic tone of everything! It's like you're shifting the energy from unworthiness to tricking your mind to tell the universe that your dreams are possible, and that you are actually worthy of attracting the guys that might be beyond your league. What do you think?"

She agreed in confidence and said that it actually makes sense from the way I put it. But she also thought that perhaps the trick to turning things around also lies in me. That whenever I see an attractive guy from now, I need to remind myself too that I am hot in my own way rather than feel inferior or unworthy. Her explanation is that the principle of the law is that like attracts like, and you need to believe that you are attractive in your own way to be able to attract other like-minded attractive guys who are already feeling themselves, to you.

Life in the Body of a Human Being

A couple of days ago, I came across a very nice saying that went something like:

As soon as you die, your identity becomes a "Body". People use phrases like: "Bring the Body", "Lower the Body in the Grave", "Take the Body to the Graveyard", etc. People don't even call you by your name whom you tried to impress whole life.

Take chances... Spend money on the things you love, laugh till your stomach hurts, dance even if you are too bad at it, pose stupidly for photos, be child-like. Death is not the greatest loss in life. Loss is when life dies inside you while you are alive.

After seeing the profound message, I got to thinking about a previous post I've written titled: Am I Truly More Significant Than My Container?, which explores the same concept of how we as earthly beings are actually a form of pure energy that is being contained within a body. The body is in fact a "container" that holds our spirit, allowing it to experience life.

But when we die, the pure energy that makes us the soulful being that we are, leaves the container and moves on to another plane or form, effectively leaving behind what is now "the body". I know the whole package is definitely more complex than how I've just put it, but these are some of my mere thoughts for the journal.

Mail: The Anonymous Guy Who Feels Despondent

An anonymous commenter left a long letter at the end of the post titled: Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❷.

His Comment:

I've found your blog (generally) very helpful. Words can't really express how much I've been touched by reading through your hopes and disappointments. It means a lot to hear other guys have similar very contrastive feelings, desires, sometimes self loathings and disappointments. 

I'm a very closed guy, straight acting and frequently get attention from girls which is sad because I wish I found them attractive. Mind I've never had any attention from guys, only very jokey comments from guys I've known a long time and know are straight like that I look handsome or nice in a bow tie.

This blog particularly upsets and relieves me as I had a similarly very uncomfortable experience with a guy. Only mine was very damaging for me psychologically. It was the first time I'd ever had any courage to try anything with a guy, if I'm honest it didn't happen long ago and I've not done anything since.

I tried finding a first experience by chatting online on a 'meet up' site. I hoped that talking, before possibly trying anything more, would help me to explore my feelings and provide me with some mental release by vocalising being gay. I had had no experience whatsoever and had not even kissed anyone before I agreed to meet someone. 

The guy turned out to be much older. I wasn't attracted by him physically but I felt like I'd miss an opportunity if I changed my mind and went ahead. He said I was a beautiful which was so intense for me to hear and though he said is a lot he then he sort of lost all subtlety and was then very rough with me. Eg: Oral (I'm also uncircumcised and extremely sensitive when I'm 'uncovered') and by hand. 

He wanted to go top on me but I told him no as I'm not ready for it and not entirely keen. In the end I ended up helping him out twice. I knew I wouldn't come while he worked on me as he just worked me too hard (I'm uncircumcised and very sensitive too unfortunately). Anyway, it was very unpleasant for me although he seemed to enjoy himself. 

Afterwards I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of shame and the experience was just bad. It turns me off the idea of ever trying again. I'm closed and unaccepting of myself really and although I find many men so painfully beautiful I keep hidden all my desires. But I think, now hitting my mid 20s, I'm getting to old to be inexperienced and my life so far is taking me down another route of rejecting my feelings altogether or at most to simply enjoying and admiring guys secretly from afar.

In a way though I think I'm happy. I know I do not have the kind of character to put myself through the massive mental chaos of exploring like you have. I'm an awful combination of a hopeless romantic wo wants love and who likes men but who utterly despises the idea of having numerous partners and is incapacitated by lack of and bad past experiences!

Your post has helped me to kind of stand back though and ask myself what is important to me personally, in my general happiness and as it stand I think that I am perfectly happy with my lot. I do hope you find companionship and love though. What bliss it would be to belong to someone who loves you.

#  #  #

My Thoughts:
Hi there. Thank you so much for your gracious thoughts about Gay & Invisible and also for the well wishes in the end. When I first came across what you wrote, it took me a while to reflect on the kind of reply I want to give you. Should I ask you to find the courage within yourself to come out and stand firm for what your heart truly wants? Or should I respect your desire to stay in silent retreat if that makes you happy?

I think despite being the "straight-acting" guy that you refer yourself to be, the part of you that is attracted to the same sex has definitely arrived at a point where it spurred you on to go in search of gay sexual experiences. There is a saying that goes: No matter what the outcome, you gain courage just by trying. 

You went on the 'meet up' site and made yourself go through the whole process even though you were physically not attracted to him, and that you did it out of not wanting it to be a missed opportunity. In this case, I would personally like to laud you for your sense of perseverance and courage in trying to get some answers. It's never easy but you somehow managed to do it for yourself. So recognise it and reaffirm it, not for anybody but for yourself.

On the other hand, I think you shouldn't let one bad experience with a guy on your first initial try, push you further into the closet and ruin your spirit of ever wanting to put yourself out there again. Don't focus on it as a bad experience, but rather look at it as a learning experience or a practical platform for you to make mistakes and sexually discover yourself with regard to what you like and what you don't.

We're all not born with the innate skill of being comfortable and good at gay sex. But you know, the more you engage yourself in practice, the better you become at it and the better the experience and the guys you will start to attract. Don't give up on hope or yourself!

With regard to your sense of shame, I think that's normal. It will fade in time when you start to get more comfortable with yourself and also with the experiences you are having with guys. I personally struggle with it still throughout my posts, like the one you have just commented. But I can assure you that it does get better each time.

There are many people in world who live in places where they are not allowed to be who they are and sometimes, even serving harsh punishments for just being gay. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is, please don't throw away the idea of possibly living an openly gay life or staying true to yourself and to what you want.

Perhaps what we need is a little push or reaffirmation from those we love, and the act of 'coming-out' to me now means exactly that. It means letting my inner circle of loved ones know the real me. Their support has definitely helped me come to terms with a lot of things and for giving me the peace and security to realign myself with my truth. Don't stand in the own way of your happiness and don't give up! I'm gonna stop here before this becomes longer than it should. Don't give up, have faith and try again my friend.

All the love and support in the world, M

#  #  #

(If readers have any personal advice to add pertaining to this guy's email, please feel free to do so in the comments section below. Thank you.)

Friday Evening Sexual Frustration and More Hot Guys

After the handsome hot guy and I went our separate ways, I finally met up with my regular friends who were also in the area after work. The time was already 7pm and I could definitely feel the Friday mood start to pick up in the air and the upmarket ambiance. The place was packed with people, most of them corporate executives, foreigners, tourists and probably expatriates. 

As we walked around and settled for a place to eat, I started to notice the amount of hot guys that were in the area again and man they were attractive! I mean I've been in this district many times before, but on no occasion has it ever made me feel like how I did when I was living in the city of beautiful people. I started wondering if it was me feeling unusually promiscuous, or is it just a mere coincidence in proportion to the heightened number of sexual triggers.

"Oh wow. Look! That guy and that guy is cute. They're even better looking than the real Westlife", my friend and I commented. The hot guys were everywhere I turn and it started to bring out all sorts of emotions in me.

Christ. What is up with this place on a Friday night?! I've never seen so many foreign hot guys within a span of seconds and floor spaces. I decided to turn on the gay dating apps on my phone with high hopes of seeing if I could catch any of the guys I saw on it. Unfortunately, non of them were and I got frustrated.

Throughout the next three and a half hours that we were hanging out in the same place, more and more hot guys just started appearing out of no where. Tall, handsome, cute, well-dressed, successful, well-built, dreamy eyes you name it. It was just one attractive guy after another and it was driving me insane. I lost control of myself and my eyes were swerving from one guy to another like flying darts in a public place.

I was constantly on my phone too, hoping that at least one of these guys would have a profile on the grid. But sadly, I couldn't find any one of them. Think I might have spoken too soon about my new profile picture. For the past few weeks, there is definitely a conspicuous increase in chatting activity and guys responding to me. But on this particular evening, there was none. Even if there were, I was just not interested, not after what was paraded under my nose.

"Are all the hot guys I want here straight?! But hey, wait a minute. What are the chances of them being gay and wants to get together with you either?", the bucket of ice cold thought splashed right onto my face and I started to feel despondent at the reality of things.

Soon it was time to head home and I was so ready to finally leave with my friends. As I got to thinking about my emotions while I was in bed, I discovered a pattern. Whenever I'm bombarded by too many hot guys, I unconsciously generate feeling tones within myself that goes something like: "I am not", "I don't have", "I can't have", "why can't I have", "will I ever have", "out of my league to have", "not possible to have", "not good enough to have", "not masculine enough to have", "not physically desirable enough to have".

When logic kicks in, I started to digest that these are emotions of unworthiness. And because I focus on them for every single attractive guy that comes into my space, it continues to drive me insane. That night before falling asleep, I brought myself back to the moment when I first wrote: Why Do Hot Guys Affect Me So Much and pondered deeply about the unresolved issues that are probably still residing from within.