If You Got One Foot in Tomorrow and One Foot in Yesterday

I think it was about 6 months back when I wrote the post Just Be Here, Be Now and started to realise how important it is to live in the present, to live in the now. Although it's easier said than done, but I do at the very least try to inculcate this kind of thinking into myself because it does free you in a way. You no longer see the point of living in the past and at the same time, trying to project yourself forward to the non-existent future you think you'll be happy with. 

So keeping what I learnt in mind, I recently came across a dialogue from a television scene that went: "If you got one foot in Tomorrow and one foot in Yesterday, you'll piss on Today."

Met Up With a Russian Guy

A couple of days ago, some guy sent me a message on Gaydar asking if I'd like to accompany him in exploring a few tourist spots in the city. For some reason I agreed, even though his profile picture was outdated and barely visible. After a couple of text messages over the weekend, I still wasn't sure if I should go ahead. I decided that it's best I stop over-thinking.

Yesterday, I finally caught up with him at an art gallery. I was surprisingly calm but yet, a little nervous because I was meeting a guy without even seeing a proper picture. I told myself that I'm here as a local acquaintance and that my superficial concerns play no part in a non-sex date scenario.

As usual, a middle-aged man walks up to me and introduced himself as A². I had a selfish moment in my head and lamented why couldn't he have been the hot blonde athletic guy that was standing a couple of exhibits away, but came back to reality that I was in no position to ask for the Earth.

At the sound of his accent and his look, a geographical map pops up in my head and it immediately circled the region around North Eastern Europe or Russia. Further questions confirmed that A² was indeed Russian but works in the city where beautiful people pass me by every single day.

I am not immune to believing in stereotypes, therefore my head was just flooded with questions and inner voices. A white Russian man. Here. With me. That's definitely a first. Could he be Xenophobic or cold? Does he think I'm not good enough? Can I trust him? The fact that the first topic he chose to voiced his opinion on was how the city of Saint Petersburg is filled with problematic immigrants, just wasn't helping me to dispel whatever preconceived notions I had of him.

I asked him about Vladimir Putin, about Russia's recent anti-gay laws and everything else a good curious conversationalist would ask. I don't consider him attractive, but as we walk, I caught his eyes staring at my crotch a couple of times and my biological tool expanded from within my underwear. I was a weak bastard and he was a man. I toyed heavily with the idea if me and him might end up having some fun later but decided firmly that I wouldn't give in even if he proposed because I just don't feel comfortable with this guy.

As we walk around the city, we talked about a lot of things. His job, homosexuality, his travels, Europe, Russia, Egypt etc. I even got to practise my spoken French. The real challenge however, was getting him to talk about his own experiences with being gay as I did mine. It also took a few hours of walking around the city on foot to warm up to each other even though I kept the conversation going. I felt his biceps by accident while trying to warn him about an approaching vehicle at one point and I toyed once again with the idea of fun as my bulge expanded.

It was 8pm and we finally settled down for some food. We were now much more comfortable with each other in comparison to the first hour of our meeting. I thought: "So there's no where else to go after this. I guess I'll just head home and he'll just go back to his hotel? He hasn't said anything. Maybe he's not into that kind of evening."

After finishing our meal, I wasn't ready to say goodbye so I decided to bring him to another famous park for a night walk. As we adjourned to the subway station, he mentioned that I can stay overnight at his place if it's too late for me to catch the last train out. I wondered if that was the signal but casually gave a couple of excuses and declined. As I hear myself say those words, my flaming desires to touch him lit up even more and felt a sting of regret.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you walking away from an opportunity again? You're going to have to grow some balls and take some risk. The risk you've always played by that opened you up to where you are now. The universe sends this man to cross your path, your emotions are telling you something and it wants you to respond to it. So respond damn it."

I didn't know what came over me, but as soon as we were at the train station, I walked up to a subway map and very calmly said: "Okay so we're here, and the park is here which is where we're going. Unless if you're tired we can always go back to your hotel and you can show me the place. We'll have about an hour before I need to catch the last train out. So what do you think?"

He was shocked. He obviously did not see this coming and spiralled immediately into a state of silent nerves because I cornered him. He took a moment to contemplate but in his expression, I knew he would cave. "Listen, are you comfortable? Because if you're not we can always just stick to the plan and visit the park together. It doesn't matter okay? It's your call.", I reassured him.

He finally said we can go back to his hotel room and so we did. Throughout the subway ride, I could tell that things were now a little bit awkward for us but I was very steady in keeping the normal conversation going to help ease his nerves or rather, mine. The walk to his hotel from the station was one of the longest journeys on foot I had to endure. It was so long and far that by the time we reached his room, I was just so tired and wanted to chicken out but I didn't.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

Coming Out to More and More People

As the year goes by, I seem to be coming out to more and more people that I care about. 5 new people this year to be exact, including a university classmate who also counter confessed to discovering that her heterosexual brother is harbouring a homosexual secret that went against everything our parents would have believed in. I told myself that I will be there for her and also her brother should they ever need to face any kind of storm, because I know how it feels.

This week, I finally picked up the courage and contacted a very good guy friend of mine after disappearing from his radar for about 2 years because I couldn't face the world and needed time to sort myself out.

During the period from which I cut myself off from people, I remember thinking that if I were to ever be reunited with friends that I care about, I vow to give them a deep insight as to what happened to me and what went on in my world for the past 2 years. I wanted these carefully chosen people to hear it personally from me, than to one day find that out from the outside, from somebody else, or from an exploited situation. Once I get this out of the way, I will know that I can go out and live my life more courageously and openly.

We sat down together just like old times at a regular place and I started talking. I would be lying if I said I wasn't at all nervous prior to opening up, but I knew in my heart that if someone truly cared about me, their soul would genuinely hear mine. I think I grappled with the idea of telling him because he's one of my rare guy friends and I didn't want to scare him away.

I took him on a journey, picking up from the last time we saw each other till where I am sitting now. Just like everybody else who grew up with me, their speculations couldn't have been more accurate and it was no surprise to him that I'm gay. I appreciated him for listening and for responding very well. He told me to be proud of myself based on what I've come through.

I acknowledged his words, but also stressed that I will not feel peace until I am completely independent in all aspects of my life. Personally, emotionally, financially and professionally. I've also admitted to him that I've always felt secondary to them and how I now have to further accept that my path can never be of normal people in a heterosexual world. That the concept of growing old, giving an answer if someone here ask if I have a girlfriend, being in a relationship, marriage or even children will have a twist to them.

As I sat there in front of him, I revisited an old file in my head and started thinking about destiny. I pondered if there is a reason why some people's lives are so filled with good, success and always having it easier than others. He was promoted twice within an organisation, head-hunted by another, bought a house, a car and already looking forward to officially settling down with his girl. 

My intuition about him doing very well in life, was right, and I was genuinely happy for him because I thought, if I'm not going to live the nice dream I pictured for myself, at least somebody else I grew up with was living theirs. It also made me realised that I've wasted so much time being lost while the hard work of others have nicely fallen into place for them.

If there really is a God, a universe out there that responds, I hope I'm not too late and I hope that you will still guide me to live the best possible dream for myself. I hope there is a reason why my journey is the way it is. I hope whatever time I think I waste, spending it in here trying to write and also to help others, would come back to me in proportion, in good and also in blessing.

Beginners' Concern & FAQs Regarding Gay Mobile Apps

●  How to Use Gay Mobile Apps to Break Into Gay Life? 
●  Important Tips to Further Secure a Successful Meet-Up 
In response to the previous articles, here are a couple of FAQs and common concerns.

1. Why should new comers like me use gay mobile applications?
To speed up the process of discovering more about yourself and to get comfortable in establishing the necessary contact with other gay guys, especially if you're still closeted and trying to understand what it all means. 

When I was coming to terms with being gay, I was shy and terrified of making any physical steps to connect with the gay world. This method would not only psychologically put you at ease, but would also allow you to take a virtual step into getting in touch with other guys without actually having to physically go out and put yourself on a daunting spot if you're not yet comfortable or ready.

You don't necessarily have to do things you don't want to do. All I'm trying to recommend here is to use these apps as a platform to start talking to guys and to feel comfortable in a gay environment. For me, it was through reading the Gay Banker's blog that I discovered how to use Gaydar in 2011 to establish connections.

2. What can I get from this and how does it help me in my gay journey?
There is no guarantee as to what you'll take away from using these apps or what should happen, because the purpose of this method is to get you in touch with other guys who like guys. The rest is up to luck, human nature and attraction which is beyond our control. 

In terms of how it will help you is that meeting guys, having sexual exploration and constantly being in contact with the circle will build up your confidence. It would also shed some light, dispel fear and perhaps help you understand what it means to be gay and yourself. In due course, living a gay life wouldn't seem so foreign any more than it is a fact of life.

3. Why smartphones in particular and why these apps?
Because smartphones are personal gadgets that follow us wherever we go these days, and with internet connection such as Wi-Fi, these mobile applications suddenly become magic windows to help you get in touch with the spectrum of guys that are present within the geographical area, wherever you are in the world. 

So do take advantage of this, as gay guys who grew up in the 1970s would probably tell you how grateful they would have been had they had what we have today.

4. Where should I use these apps or try out this method?
These apps will work best in large urban areas and better yet, in cities where there is a large gay population like London, New York City or Bangkok. Although you won't get much from using them in villages and small towns, but sometimes I do try it out just to see if anybody I know from the remote region is gay. You just never know if you might find an unexpected gay friend or a sex partner in the process.

Apart from that, try out the apps whenever you are in a seemingly conservative nation. Gay guys in my country are found everywhere on the apps even though homosexuals are punishable under the laws from where I live.

5. I'm afraid that my exact location and whereabouts will be revealed.
Although the app displays specific distances between you and the other guys such as 235m or 1.1km away, but they do not in any way expose your exact location on the dot like a GPS. I have seen profiles that are 0.01km from me, but have never for once spotted them anywhere within the area that I was in. So don't let this feature scare you unnecessarily unless you have a truly good reason for it to.

6. I'm afraid of being recognised through my picture.
This is a legitimate concern and there might be a chance of somebody recognising you through your profile pictures, such as how I did with some guys in this post titled: When Profile Pictures Do Not Match Up. 

Unless you're a prominent figure within your community, you shouldn't worry too much about this because realistically speaking in truth, hundreds of guys come and go on these apps every minute, every hour of every day. Unless I have extreme photographic memory or in exceptionally rare cases, I probably wouldn't even notice you even if you were to walk past me on the street. And even if I did, what's the worse that could happen?

7. I'm afraid to have gay apps on my phone for fear of being accidentally discovered.
Whatever the reason may be that we're scared, some of us might still worry, especially if we're tightly in the closet.

Try this trick. Combine the gay apps into a folder and rename it into a boring title that would deter suspicion. The folder itself when placed amongst other folders blend in and are not so visible. They become camouflaged and are hidden from the obvious.

8. I've never done this before and I'm nervous.
Don't worry, many guys have probably gone through the same process as you did when they were first discovering more about themselves and their place in gay life. All I can say to you is that you will never know how well you fair if you didn't give it a try. No guy is ever born with the ability to cruise and manoeuvre themselves dexterously through the gay jungle, we learn through experiences, embarrassments and failure. 

Most people wait until they know how to swim before they jump in, but truth is jumping in is what we need in order for us to learn how to swim. So stop worrying too much and just try it out for yourself. Don't be discouraged if you stumble, because what it really means is that you're actually on the right way to building your experience to knowing what works and what doesn't.

Important Tips to Further Secure a Successful Meet-Up

Previous Article: How to Use Gay Mobile Apps to Break into Gay Life?

Unless you're planning to remain as virtual friends and chat, the gay apps alone are not going to secure your meeting with a guy. If you're serious about meeting each other, then you will at the bare minimum, need his phone number to contact him directly via text messaging.

So how do we go about asking for phone numbers without having the other party contemplate if he should be giving it to you? This is where another set of mobile applications comes in. 

After a couple of exchanges with a guy, ask if he uses any kind of mobile messaging service such as those mentioned below. The most popular one I find up till date is still WhatsApp. If he says yes and agrees to talk there, then you already have a reason to exchange phone numbers. I'll explain below.

1. WhatsApp

I highly recommend this app because most guys usually have it. It allows you to chat for free on your smartphone via internet connection. Each account or contact is based solely on an active mobile phone number. So by using WhatsApp and getting guys to chat here, we would:

● have a really good excuse to exchange mobile phone numbers.
● suggest that we are serious in meeting him outside the fast-paced gay apps.

● already have direct access to their phone number for contact.

● stay closely in touch via the device that will go with them anywhere.

● (sometimes) see a display picture of them and a time stamp of their last presence.

2. Skype

Skype is a famous program that helps people keep in touch for free. Use this only if you want to chat or get to know each other virtually. If you want to meet up for real, you'd still need to exchange concrete phone numbers.

3. Line or WeChat

I don't use them that much, but they are similar to WhatsApp. A good alternative to have as some guys might actually be using these instead of the one I proposed. So make sure you ask! 

4. Regular Text Messaging / Calls
The real deal. If both parties don't have a problem contacting each other via direct text messaging or calls to arrange a meet up, then this might well be the fastest way in getting you close up to a guy.

Remember never to call the other person directly before having some form of consent or permission that the other party is comfortable in accepting them. Guys might sometimes be in difficult positions whereby calls from third party guys are not welcomed.

So here it is, a post to help novices out on how to break into the gay circle via mobile apps. Unfortunately, I can't teach you how to talk to a guy because I'm still not in the least bit qualified in that department. So you will have to test that out on your own.

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Next Article: Common Concerns & FAQs Regarding Gay Mobile Apps