Cruising and Fishing Again Without Expectations

Just a little update about what I've been up to for the past 3 weeks. I previously wrote about my failed attempts at online cruising and how things weren't going so well for me. Last month, I decided to revamp and create a fresh new online dating profile in order to take cruising and meeting guys more seriously. I've also downloaded mobile cruising apps such as Grindr and Jack'd to expand my reach.

Ever since I came home from abroad about a year ago, I've completely lost the momentum in pushing myself towards gay experiences that will help me get comfortable with my sexuality. Being stuck in an environment where I don't get to openly develop this aspect of myself, I am a little bummed.

I told myself that if anything new were to come into my life, it must first need a concrete avenue in which it can come to me. Common sense along with the principle of the Law of Attraction tells me that I can think and wish all I want, but if I don't attach any action to my thoughts, nothing is going to happen.

Apart from deciding to give online cruising another go, I'm also changing my attitude towards how I view and approach this after a year of trial and error. I'm going to think of it as an act of unleashing a couple of fishing rods into the endless internet ocean in order for possible connections to come by the wind of a higher power, fate or luck. The hardest part is trying not to have any expectations when I do this.

Filling out the standard columns such as height, weight, eye colour, penis size, ethnicity, role etc took the longest time because that dug out the deepest sense of insecurity in myself. It felt as if my birth-given ticket number, has already sealed my fate and hierarchy in the gay world.

I practically spent the next few days cruising the online ocean with my fishing rod, leaving it logged on even when I went to bed because in addition to wanting a comprehensive gauge of the market, I'm also investing a week's worth of holiday into resuscitating this much-needed past time to better benefit myself. Who knew chatting guys up could take so much time and effort which, can sometimes get very pointless and exhausting. 

So for the past week, I have been in touch and did make friends with a couple of guys in hopes that I'll have some new adventures to write about, but so far nothing has yet to materialise. Maybe I really can't force things, and will just have to let it come when it comes?

Just Be Here, Be Now

One of the most important things I've been trying to get myself to do, is learning how to live in the present. Throughout the years, I've grown into someone who not only holds on incessantly to my past, but have also roped in my hopes and worries for the future into the present.

Then, a recent interview of a very famous humanitarian on CNN got me thinking about myself. The question to the answer that left me with a sense of realisation was: "What is it you do best?". In which the interviewee then said:

"The thing that I strive to do best, is be here, be now. Right here, right now. With you." 

"The reason why we've had such a good time (throughout this interview), is cause I'm not thinking about-, somebody else is, but I'm not thinking about how much time do we have left and how many questions you're gonna have, and what are you gonna ask me... "

 "Just be here, be now. So that I can enjoy this experience."

"And so, I don't have a lot of umm... I don't live in the past, I don't carry the past into this moment because after years of paying attention to the people around me, how they live their lives and what the experts had to say... I've learnt how not to do that."

If There Are No Ups And Downs In Your Life

For many years now, the fragile part of myself has trouble making peace with the unpredictable roller coaster ride that comes with life. Then I stumbled upon a quote today along with a mind-liberating image that read:

"If there are no ups and downs in your life, it means you are dead."

Sexually Hungry At The Mall

A close friend and I were spending a couple of hours at the mall the other day when she decided to walk into a clothing store. With every step that we took towards the entrance, my eyes detected the far presence of 3 attractive jocks in the shop. They were all tall and good-looking with an amazing athletic built. 

The first guy was browsing through the same rack as us and standing right next to him brought out the familiar stench of insecurity in me. His other 2 siblings were each hotter than he was and with each one that I checked out, the insecure hormonal creature in me was desperately heating up at the thought of embracing the hottest sibling tightly from the back and committing some severe sexual offence. I want to pin him tight against a wall, run my nose and lips all over his cheek and force myself on hi-

My Friend: [smiling]

"Let me know when you're done fantasising about the eye candies and we can go."

[In My Head]

What? Wait, how does she kn-

Me:

"Fine. Okay let's go. Now."

"The longer we stay here the more unattractive I feel anyway."

My Friend: [trailing behind]
"Oh we can go? Wait up!"

About 5 minutes into moving on, instincts told me to turn my head back for a glance and there it was. Another cute attractive guy, walking behind us. I looked at my friend and mouthed the words: "Eye-Candy!". As he picked up the pace and overtook us on my right, my eyes caressed every single part of him and his formal attire. From his short black hair to his tanned neck, from the back of his tight-fitted work shirt and slacks right down to his polished leather shoes.

I had an instant boner that created a huge tent in my own trousers. I stopped walking and told my friend the uncomfortable dilemma that was growing inside. She immediately gave me the shopping bag containing her purchase to casually cover up my front while we waited for 'junior' to subside. It was an embarrassing moment but thankfully she was somebody who understood my frustration for sex.

Later on, we bumped into him again sitting at a lounge. There was an awkward exchange of eye-contact because he recognised us from the way we were noticing him. He knew he was cute. All I wanted to do right then and there, was take him against a wall and just have him as a gratifying snack before dinner. That whatever the deal was between the two of us, should be settled not only like a man, but man on man!

I don't know what's gotten into me this week, but I think my frustrating libido and psychotic hunger for sex is slowly clawing its way back into my conscious mind and body.

Men's Health Magazines and Closeted Memories

Someone in my household decided to do some spring cleaning today and miraculously uncovered a huge box filled with magazines I've kept since I was a teen. The monochromatic front covers of ripped male models and virile men will tell you that these magazines were pre-eminently 7 year old editions of Men's Health. 

As a closeted gay teenager, owning a copy of Men's Health used to be one of my guilty pleasures in life. One because I was in lust with the topless athletic cover models and feature write-ups on some of the hot guys. My purchase of a month's edition depended greatly, if not entirely on the 'selling factor' of the cover models themselves.

Two was because I was highly motivated by the many 'short-cut-to-amazing-abs' and 'miracle chest' work out plans to transform myself into something with a bit more confidence. Back then, I harboured this discreet plan to work out silently on the side in hopes of rivalling my schoolmates and gradually gain some attention. But sadly, this fantasy of mine never materialised.

It's been 7 years, and holding these magazines in my hand inevitably brings back memories of how I felt during those times. I clearly remember how although these journals provided me with a visual outlet for my homosexual fantasies, but yet deep down inside, I worry incessantly about how I was ever going to get myself out of this "wrong", "filthy" habit of fantasising about masculinity.

In addition to that, I was a scrawny awkward boy who felt so out of place, staring inadequately into the pages of Men's Health. I wanted nothing more than to outgrow myself into an attractive young adult. For the magazines themselves painted a perfect picture of what I desperately wanted to happen for me, along with my unconscious desires of idolising another man. I obviously at that age, couldn't decipher what all these confused sentiments meant.

I had the intention of throwing these magazines out at the thought of not wanting to turn into a hoarder. But somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. These magazines may have been sequestered away in a box, but they continue to excavate feelings out of me until this very day. They remind me very much of the time that has passed and the distance I've come. Therefore I'm keeping them with me for a little while longer. Perhaps now is really the time to put those specific work out articles to good use.