Learning to Rise Above Dull-Witted Homophobes at Work

Few weeks ago, a potential new hire came into the workplace for a job interview. However, I didn't manage to get a glimpse of him until the last 15 seconds when the interview ended and he was escorted by the panel past our desks to the exit.

He was your typical average-looking fellow citizen who was overdressed and if I may be honest, looked gay. But then I started thinking, it's none of my business. And regardless if my assumption about him was true or not, all he has to say to relegate my auto-pilot judgemental instincts back into its place, is that he actually fucks woman.

When it started to register in my head that there is a very high chance that this new hire might be a fellow gay brother, I became worried about how he was going to be bullied when he starts his permanent tenure here, in a place where the people are pettily unhealthy.

This morning, a loud cross cubicle discussion about the new hire ensued between two female colleagues. I know intelligent people ignore, but man it still irritated the fuck out of me.

Female Colleague 1: [smiles proudly]

"Hey, you know that new guy that we hired? He's gay. I think he's gay. I mean I suspected it."

In My Head: [annoyed]

Oh for fuck sake! Wow. Bravo girl. Bra-vo to you for such a worthy accomplishment! You guessed out the gay guy! You have the gift that everyone would kill for! How cool is that?! Maybe from now on you can use it to guess the lottery numbers?! Maybe that might get you an actual applause.

Female Colleague 2:

"Oh really?"

Female Colleague 1: [smiles proudly]

"Yeah! Director 2 (the egoistical one) who was interviewing him told us all the other day that 'his gaydar was going off the charts, off the charts!' "

"Then Director 1 (the one I like) was like: 'Naah guys! Come on.' "

Female Colleague 2:
"Ho ho"

Female Colleague 1: [smiles proudly]
"Yeah!"

Female Colleague 2:
[turns to another permanent male co-worker, Colleague 3]

"Hey did you hear that? You better be careful! lol..."

Male Colleague 3:
[awkward and uncomfortable, pretended he didn't hear the comment]

In My Head: [extremely annoyed]

Lord, put me OUT of my misery by striking these peopl- No no no! Stop it. That is so beneath you. Stop it. Let it go, let it go. Rise above. Shush!

I think you don't have to be a genius to interpret how the final comment might suggest that just because the new hire looks gay or might be a homosexual, every other straight male person that is within radius is immediately in danger of being pursued, converted, molested, raped or whatever discriminatory verb you'd choose to use.

Readers must be thinking why would I give these people power by rehearsing their narrow-minded gossips in a bright journal dedicated to greater things? Well, these are exactly the kind of stupid mockery that happens in the close-minded world I live in, and my purpose here is to document it as part of the ongoing journey before I actually achieve true freedom one day and tune out.

Navigating the World of Red Flag Colleagues

Last week, I was commissioned by two upper level consultants to work on a report that required a lot of back and forth consultation while the associate above me was on leave. So I did my part, submitted it to them and waited for the next instruction.

Fast forward to Monday when both consultants were on leave, the client suddenly called the next person in charge and wanted it by the end of the day. The immediate associate above me started freaking out, with tantrums of course because she is now responsible for providing the client with the finished version in which she has no absolute clue. 

Due to the fact that I wasn't given any further instructions on what to do next, I had no fucking idea on how to proceed with handling a report that needed consolidated information, figures and approval from the two consultants who were not in the office.

However, as a responsible and initiative-driven person, I stayed back and single-handedly worked on it continuously until a version we "believe" is final was produced. The associate thanked me profusely for being such a trooper and I felt appreciated. I became that bottom level guy who had to finish the job of an associate.

To be honest, I never liked her from the start because of the amount of boisterous superficiality she tends to exude and the many betrayals she committed behind my back. But that night for some reason, my heart softened at the thought that there might be some form of genuineness in her and I shouldn't give into my defensive instincts.

Then guess what? Just when I thought things were going to be different this time, everything was forgotten and she did not mention any credit on my part the next day when answering to the consultant.

I was furiously annoyed! But then again, I can only blame myself for being so naive with people again and again. I couldn't believe that at the fear of not wanting to become the difficult version of myself that might get nasty, I disregarded my instincts and all the dishonourable red flags about this person that were knocking on my door. 

Then I thought: "Okay M, time for a refresher's course in learning how to be smart! It's life's way of trying to tell you that you are every bit the greater good and respectable individual you know yourself to be, but you also need to get used to being extremely firm and controversial at the same time with people in order to have boundaries, and also to implement the things you feel is right."

As someone in his mid-twenties who is just starting out, I understand that stories like these in a world of jobs and survival of the fittest are not abnormal. There are worse case scenarios and work personalities out there, but I just needed a post today to vent my frustration.

Big Egos are Big Shields for Lots of Empty Space

"Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space" - Diana Black

The Deeper Business of Being Beautiful Inside

I remember writing a post titled 'A Battle With Self-Acceptance' back in July 2012. That entry was formulated at the spur of a distraught moment where my own struggles with self-image was on a high. In that post, I remember telling a story of how a close friend of mine who is of a darker skin race, went through a process where she wished she would wake up to a day where her skin was lighter.

Today, I came across a very beautiful speech by recent Academy Award winner Lupita Ngong'o at the Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon and immediately decided to write it down. For I am extremely touched by this particular side of life that many coloured people go through. The entire speech is reproduced below to help further empower us all, me included.

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I want to take this opportunity to talk about beauty. Black beauty. Dark beauty. I received a letter from a girl and I’d like to share just a small part of it with you: "Dear Lupita," it reads, "I think you’re really lucky to be this Black but yet this successful in Hollywood overnight. I was just about to buy Dencia’s Whitenicious cream to lighten my skin when you appeared on the world map and saved me."

My heart bled a little when I read those words. I could never have guessed that my first job out of school would be so powerful in and of itself and that it would propel me to be such an image of hope in the same way that the women of The Color Purple were to me. 

I remember a time when I too felt unbeautiful. I put on the TV and only saw pale skin. I got teased and taunted about my night-shaded skin. And my one prayer to God, the miracle worker, was that I would wake up lighter-skinned. The morning would come and I would be so excited about seeing my new skin that I would refuse to look down at myself until I was in front of a mirror because I wanted to see my fair face first. And every day I experienced the same disappointment of being just as dark as I had been the day before. I tried to negotiate with God: I told him I would stop stealing sugar cubes at night if he gave me what I wanted; I would listen to my mother's every word and never lose my school sweater again if he just made me a little lighter. But I guess God was unimpressed with my bargaining chips because He never listened. 

And when I was a teenager my self-hate grew worse, as you can imagine happens with adolescence. My mother reminded me often that she thought that I was beautiful but that was no consolation: She’s my mother, of course she’s supposed to think I am beautiful. And then Alek Wek came on the international scene. A celebrated model, she was dark as night, she was on all of the runways and in every magazine and everyone was talking about how beautiful she was. Even Oprah called her beautiful and that made it a fact. I couldn’t believe that people were embracing a woman who looked so much like me as beautiful. My complexion had always been an obstacle to overcome and all of a sudden, Oprah was telling me it wasn’t. It was perplexing and I wanted to reject it because I had begun to enjoy the seduction of inadequacy. But a flower couldn’t help but bloom inside of me. When I saw Alek I inadvertently saw a reflection of myself that I could not deny. Now, I had a spring in my step because I felt more seen, more appreciated by the far away gatekeepers of beauty, but around me the preference for light skin prevailed. To the beholders that I thought mattered, I was still unbeautiful. And my mother again would say to me, "You can’t eat beauty. It doesn’t feed you." And these words plagued and bothered me; I didn’t really understand them until finally I realized that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be. 

And what my mother meant when she said you can’t eat beauty was that you can’t rely on how you look to sustain you. What does sustain us... what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul. It is what got Patsey in so much trouble with her master, but it is also what has kept her story alive to this day. We remember the beauty of her spirit even after the beauty of her body has faded away. 

And so I hope that my presence on your screens and in the magazines may lead you, young girl, on a similar journey. That you will feel the validation of your external beauty but also get to the deeper business of being beautiful inside. There is no shade in that beauty. 

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Playing by Somebody Else's Rules

The world is filled with all kinds of people. I've met some of them, and have definitely yet to come in contact with the remaining legions. I'm starting to realise that there is undeniable wisdom behind the following principle.

"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own" - Michael Konda