My First Daunting Time to a Gay Bar Alone

Thought I should write about my first experience to a gay bar. Travelling alone definitely gives you the space for self-discovery, flexibility and independence. And one of the perks that comes with travelling in a big city, is anonymity. Last year, following my "wake-up" conversation with R, my head was bursting with thoughts and I decided to do some research before I went to bed. I noted down some bars that seemed ideal, and kept it in my pocket. The next day, with the information and map in my pocket, I would have the whole day to contemplate about it as I did other touristy stuff. For some reason, while walking in the park, visiting the museums and sights, I was constantly looking at my watch and am always aware of the time of the day. Then dinner came and after grabbing a quick meal, I begin my long walk towards the address. 

As I walk, I remember thinking to myself:

"It's ok, it's still quite a walk away, 25 blocks."

"Nevermind, there's still 10 blocks." 

"Ok, there's still 5 blocks and a left turn across 2 avenues."

With every step that I took, I felt even more nervous, depress, foolish and scared because I was about to do something I never thought I'd do in my life. I previously mentioned that I refuse to go anywhere near gay venues for fear of being associated and outed while my internalised homophobia was in full swing. This time, part of the thing that spurred me to go ahead was my prospective regret as I contemplated on both the feeling of going to bed that night feeling courageous, or for once again having chickened out. I knew immediately I would have regretted the latter. At that moment, I really wished I could skip having to go through those daunting hours and jump straight to my future self in bed when I finally know how things went. Feeling anxious, I finally convinced myself that for the next few moments, I am not me. I am nobody and I am anonymous.  

So I arrived. However it wasn't easy as I found myself walking the entire length of the street, back and forth for about 5 times before I actually picked up the courage to make a right turn and go in. My goal was to at least walk in, make a circle and walk out. It would be better than nothing. At a moment of spontaneity, I bit the bullet, showed my ID at the front and finally entered. Immediately, all eyes darted to the entrance as I entered. I felt so awkward, vulnerable and shy.

Then, I found myself thinking:

"Wow I'm in. I did it! Let's stay for a drink. After all, you've come this far already and you're finally in here." 

Remaining neutral, I went to the bar, ordered a drink and sat at a corner table. My eyes surveyed the scene as I try to let it all sink in. Being there alone, I couldn't help but feel awkwardly pathetic and lonely as seconds definitely felt like minutes. But I didn't care because the most important thing was that I'm now finally seeing the inside of a gay bar. After about 35 minutes, I finished my drink, took a deep breath and a good last look around and walked out. Back on the street, I couldn't stop smiling because I was very happy with myself for overcoming a lot of barriers. I knew there will be many more tougher things to come after this, but from closeted denial to gay bar in 48 hours, it was already a big enough step for me. 

Going to a gay bar alone for the very first time is no doubt anxiously daunting. But there's always a first time for everything and I'm glad I made myself go through it. I stayed for a drink even when I was supposed to make a circle and walk out. Therefore I gave myself a mental pat on the back for having been so courageous in overcoming my own expectations.

[This post shall be dedicated to future readers who might find themselves at similar crossroads of self-discovery. May this story help shed some light and inspire you to have courage.]

I Can't Have Beautiful Things

I live in a city inhabited by beautiful people. In fact, beautiful citizens of other countries move here in search of change and sophistication; with hopes of establishing an alternate life for themselves in this dream city. Therefore my circle of friends and acquaintances is inevitably composed of highly attractive guys and girls. I previously mentioned that attractive people although make good eye-candies, but they also continue to remind me about how depressed I am. Already suffering from diffidence, insecurities and low-self esteem, I obviously felt the self-conscious pinch whenever we hung out. The feeling of being ugly, has always been one of my issues while growing up. However, until this very day, never would I thought I'd carry this with me abroad, to a world now so much bigger than my high school compound and sports field. In addition of having recently came out to myself, I have never felt so vulnerable and insecure in my life; something that I painfully conceal with a fake smile.

Within my current circle of attractive friends, I have been paying attention to a guy named J. J is in the acting field, therefore I've seen him around in school due to his strikingly youthful good-looks. Recently amongst other friends, we hung out more often and I discovered more about his life. J is funny with a cute soul and I like him. Unfortunately as probability goes, he is just unmistakably straight. I have been thinking of ways in which I can show more interest, but it's just not possible without it being pointless and awkward. Hence, I can only think about him in my own time as I try to get over the built-up infatuation.

Speaking of which for the past 3 weeks, I've been exchanging glances with a beautiful girl in my class called C. At the beginning, I refuse to believe the glances were anything, until it happened on one too many occasions that it's just hard to take it as nothing. For some reason, I am very drawn to her and she too reciprocates my gestures. C frequently comes into my thoughts as I was impressed to discover an adaptable, lovingly humourous, worldly, optimistic and benevolent character behind that attractive face as she slowly joins our circle of friends. As we spend more time together, we equally flirt and hug. She is deep and would be the type of girlfriend I'd have if I wasn't gay. I am frustrated because my strong desires to pursue her is completely knocked down by the fact that I'm still having issues with myself and am struggling with my sexuality. Therefore nothing is ever going to happen. 

In other words, I am no where close to experiencing things with guys, neither is it possible for anything to happen with the girls that come into contact. I feel so numb, depressed and frustrated as I really don't know what the fuck I can do to change myself or my luck in life. I really don't want to be unhappy, but I can't help but feel hopelessly depress at this moment...

The Piano

I have always been envious of people who display extreme talent in music. The piano in particular has always shared a special place in my heart. Today, while witnessing one of my classmates dazzle us with his violin, it reminded me greatly of my lack of perseverance for the piano.

When I was a kid, my parents sent me for Piano classes. But somehow rather, I dropped out around the age of 10 due to other distractions that came with growing up. For some reason then, I just didn't see how letting go of the piano would affect my future. It's been well over 10 years now and I heavily regret having given it up and didn't place more insistence in excelling the piano. Although I do occasionally sit in front of the piano to try and learn some of my dream pieces, but it's long and frustrating. In addition to constantly being abroad and away from home, it's hard to really settle down and properly pick it up again. I'm still yearning for the day when my hands could dexterously glide through the keyboards, to my dream pieces.

There was a scene in Grey's Anatomy, in which a legendary violinist from an episode said: "For what I lack in natural talent, I make up for it in discipline". 

This saying is in fact very true in reference to my undertakings in life, whereby my determination has always been the force behind my perseverance. As a person who lacks of luck, talent, academic intelligence and physical competence, I've always had to endure the feeling of never being good enough and work effortlessly twice as hard in order to reach a certain level. The only natural born talent I can think of is my admirable artistic skills, my sense in the kitchen, my knack for languages and social communication, along with my empathy and emotional intelligence. Perhaps due to my insecurities and the lack of self-confidence, I recognise the importance of personal development as I truly value the aspects of being well educated, broad-minded, knowledgeable, cultured and worldly. But even as I'm on my way to being highly developed, is it really going to help me with my quest for existence and self acceptance?

Battling My Internalised Homophobia

One of the problems that kept me in denial, was my heavily internalised homophobia. I grew up in a conservative society, in which hetero-public kissing could sometimes be deemed obscene. Being gay was heavily associated with the effeminate stereotype due to the majority of gays here who felt the need to let their sexuality define who they are by projecting themselves in that image. My friends and family always felt the need to "make a comment" whenever a transsexual or seemingly gay guy comes into view. Until this very day, after having been unconsciously brainwashed, I couldn't help but hold a mild grudge to my family and societal upbringing for instilling my internalised homophobia.

However it was only when I left home and started travelling and living abroad that I finally met gay guys from all walks of life who were beyond positive. They were good-looking, confident, intelligent, virile and very successful which has prompted me to look up to them as role models. For the first time, I saw us all in a very different limelight and felt so positive about myself. These guys who are still guys, has shown me that being gay should only be a subset of us and not completely define who we are. In fact, they make me and other regular guys seem so un-cool.

Growing up, I've never had any positive experiences about being gay. Having never explored or be properly enlightened about being gay, I needed to see things under a different light. When I first started coming to terms with myself, I was stagnant, depressed and didn't know where to turn. However I knew very well that the first thing I needed to do was surround myself with gay people in order to dispel my homophobia. 

I did my research and started going to a social queer gathering as I thought it might do me some good. (This for me was truly one of my boldest step, as I refuse to go anywhere near gay venues for fear of being associated and outed while my internalised homophobia was in full swing). Days leading up to the gathering, I hesitated so much. However after years of being afraid and closeted, I was sick that it got me no where. In order to move on, I desperately needed to do myself some justice by throwing myself into something new and get out of my comfort zone.

As a person on constant contemplation and struggling from insecurities, I was vulnerable and very prone to being influenced. Therefore the crowd in which was to be present was crucial as it would either change my perception about myself and the community, or push me deeper into the closet. At the gathering, I was exposed to a spectrum of people, which also gave me a general idea about myself. There was a mix crowd, met attractive guys who bring out the optimist in you and also guys who make you want to remain in the closet forever. Although my invisibility was still depressing, but being in the presence of gay people was still doing me good.

It's been 2 months and I have been enjoying myself, up until recently when my usual chit-chats with one of the regulars at the gathering inevitably turns to him and his friends finally pressuring me to open up. I although uncomfortably declined and chose to remain reserved, they never cease to try and openly analyse me and make assumptions at every opportunity. In fact, the whole conversation focused heavily on the very shallow aspects of being gay (dating a certain good-looking race, internal politics and discrimination, being fashionable, parading their sex life) which was a little too much and really off-putting. In addition to this guy sharing the same nationality as me, he was the exact shallow stereotypical gay person that I didn't want to be. But yet in reality, because of who they are, they are indeed playing the game better than I am.

I find myself feeling negatively depressed and wondered if my difference would truly mean anything. I am soulful, sophisticated, competent as a person, sincere, loyal; in other words, I am a nice guy who is real and deep. But yet, I am a long way from achieving success, "to be" the guys I idolise, and "to be with" the guys I idolise. I took a good look around the room full of people and had no idea where I stand. While walking home, I found myself feeling depressed and completely in doubt once again, which immediately swayed me into wondering if I really want to go down this path.

As Long as You're Not Gay

I'm at a stage in life whereby I'm juggling with too many personal problems at once. In addition, it's been a rough week as apart from my personal life, a lot of things have been going through my mind in regards to my independence and future well-being (life, studies, career etc) which hasn't really been going well. It's been months since I last spoke to my close friends or anybody for that matter about my depressed feelings. Hence, I went to my bed, covered myself in my duvet, hugged my pillow and cried really hard. It's amazing how bedding accessories can offer temporary comfort when we truly are alone. 

2 minutes into recuperation, my phone starts to vibrate. It was my mother, and she obviously could tell from my voice that I was in a depressing mood, even when I tried to sound normal. Like any gay guy, I have an extremely close relationship with my mother. After a few minutes of exchanging sentences, we ended the conversation. 

Within 30 seconds, she called again and I picked up. 

She: "So what is it that's really bothering you?"

We had a very long and deep conversation in which was filled with encouragement and unconditional love. However, apart from the things that we could talk about, I told her I had other problems of my own and that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. She continued to be very supportive. However, just when I was starting to feel better and thought that maybe I might be able to come out to her very soon, she uttered in a very firm way...

She: "It can be any problem, just as long as it doesn't concern you being gay. As long as you're not gay."

There was a long uncomfortable silence. As those shiveringly piercing words excoriated my heart, the seemingly supportive mother-son conversation rapidly lost it's value as I plunged immediately back into the depressed state that I was before she called. It hit me that the homophobic reality of my family is now putting our relationship seriously at stake because I'm now starting to accept that I am no longer embarrassed about being gay. It took me a long time to come to terms with myself after having painfully confront my internalised homophobia. Nevertheless, I am still hurt by all that is happening. We've come a long long way together as a family, and I'm eager to see if we're ever going to survive this. How can I make my parents understand that being gay is not a choice, neither it is a "lifestyle"?  

Forgive me for all the negativity, because on top of having to sort out my invisibility, my diffidence, my self-image issues and unhappiness, I have all these practical shit life throws at me.