Sexually Frustrated!

Apart from feeling emotionally low, I've also been feeling unreasonably horny for quite some time. Despite the number of times I jerked myself off, the hormones cruising through my veins just kept wanting more. Therefore the other day while in bed, I did what I had to do again in order to relieve myself. But this time, while well into the resolution phase right after I came, I immediately found myself in tears. I was crying. The outburst was such an impactful moment that I couldn't quite understand, but yet it felt so real.

Nevertheless, it took me a while before the analytical thoughts started kicking in. I cried because I felt so pathetic, followed by a presumption that I might be lonely and sexually frustrated. I cried because I felt like an unattractive loser who still relied on masturbation to gratify my raging biological urges rather than having someone to share my perfectly healthy sex drive. It was an emotional moment etched in my head that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Even after having masturbated for days, I still couldn't find a way to get rid of my horniness or lower my uncontrollable sex drive. So I conveniently turned to porn. But right after I was done, I felt an extreme sense of guilt and was drenched in my own shame. This incident inevitably brings me back to my closeted teenage years of jerking off to gay thoughts while keeping it all to myself. After in which I would brainwash myself to partition the guilt and shame with insuperable walls of denial. Apparently things haven't changed and I'm still the same loser I was nine years ago.

I can't help myself lately as all I seem to think of most of the day is sex. My eyes would automatically swerve to every guy that comes into my radius. Everywhere I go, all I see are biceps, broad shoulders, broad chests, nice arms, nice skin, nice lips... I can't control why this is happening, but it's happening and I am not crazy. Ever since admitting to being gay, I've become even more obsessed with sex than while I was still in denial. As I pay more attention to how my obsession is affecting me daily, I've never been more inclined to question my sanity.

Feeling helplessly overwhelmed, I confided in my circle of close friends and the looks on their faces seem to suggest that I'm a mentally ill person who needs help. Which further strengthens the assumption that there are ways in which a gay person is being programmed that no straight person can ever understand. This is definitely one of them and I'm experiencing it first hand.

A straight guy doesn't have to make sure the girl is "straight" before making a move. He doesn't have to worry if it's inappropriate to approach a girl openly in the face of society. A straight guy doesn't have to hide his sexuality or justify his love for straight sex. He doesn't have to worry about being rejected because he looks average and lacks masculine beauty. Even if she rejects him, there are still about 3.5 billion girls out there who are "not gay".

So while everybody else is actively putting their libido to good use and sharing every ounce of it, here I am in tears and sexually frustrated as I deeply question if I'll ever extricate myself from the harsh realities that come with being gay, average, alone and invisible.

Feeling Extremely Low And Defeated

Hello,

I don't even know where to begin, or how to start stringing my emotions into proper sentences anymore because it’s been a rough couple of weeks and I’m still deep within my own mess. Last month in particular, I was under an immense amount of pressure because on top of all the negativity that I’m currently going through, I had to temporarily numb myself from all that I was feeling in order to concentrate on reattempting a major examination that was going to determine my graduation. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to put myself through in the midst of a depression, but nevertheless I did what I had to do and I did the best I could. 

Every day, I'm bombarded by a legion of wandering thoughts and worries. In addition to the exhaustive dreams and troubling emotions that have been incessantly invading my sleep, today I opened my eyes and once again woke up to the same depressingly horrible feeling about myself. I don't know what is happening to me, but my insecurities, negativity and depression is seriously getting out of hand and dampening my spirit to live. I have fallen into a low point in my life, trying to recover from a state of sorrow and distraught at the gradual realisation that my life is actually not sailing the dream journey I had in mind. 

Growing up for the past twenty years, I've always had a strong sense that my existence in this world has never really been a smooth or an ideal one. Things just never seem to fall into place for me. If a person's luck and destiny in life does adhere to a consistent recurring pattern, then I think I might already know the rhythm of mine and am terrified to accept how the next phase of my adulthood is going to play out. As I panic, I allowed myself to drown in my own whirlpool of insecurity that is driven by pessimism and my unwillingness to surrender to the realities of my existence, along with the inability to once again trust in the positive.

It is truly at moments like these that I find myself reopening the old "why me" trial. It feels heart-grindingly painful to look at the outside world from my shoes, and hear myself realise that this is all happening to me and it's real. "Wow, I am in this body. I have to go through life being this person and non-other. The guy who has never really had it smooth in life, who also turns out to be the average insecure gay person among a sea of better looking and performing people, is me. It's obviously me. Always have been, always will be?"

Everyone around me has moved on to admirable success, amazing jobs, great relationships, enjoying great sex and a fulfilling life as I became the weak person who collapsed and pushed the emergency stop button on his life because he didn't know how to handle failure, insecurity, depression, homosexuality, coming-out and figuring out his path in life, all at the same time.

I can't help but feel a sense of bitterness as I wonder if my friends and the people around me are rapidly enjoying themselves and riding high on the waves of life because they conveniently never had to worry about being average, physically undesirable, feeling out of place, feeling invisible, repressing their sexuality, feeling insecure or feeling like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle?

What am I going to do about building myself up professionally, about my raging undeveloped gay teenage hormones, about being comfortable with myself, about living abroad, about being emotionally strong, about my severe sense of insecurity, about being overly deep? Even while attempting to figure out how to get myself back on track, my low self esteem and body image issues have once again become my own worst enemy. Things got even harder when I came to terms with being gay. I feel so ugly and like an unwanted loser. I can't bear to look at pictures or reflections of myself. I feel so gross when I'm naked, when I shower, when I sleep. I can't even walk an open street without feeling dejected by my surroundings.

In comparison to other young adults who are thriving and moving forward, I cannot seem to thread through the underlying reason behind the spectrum of problems and the weight of the current burden I am shouldering in my twenties. I never thought that after struggling to come-out to myself, I had to struggle with accepting myself for the way I am along with the realities that come with the life and body that I have been given. Somehow I just couldn't do it and I broke down, neither was there anything I could do to change my stubbornness. It was a slap in the face as I felt helplessly cornered and trapped.

Everything was mentally and emotionally too overwhelming for me to handle that all I wanted was to be permanently unconscious, as being awake didn't give me the peace I was with myself. Ending my life would have probably meant that I no longer have to walk life in this body, but considering the number of cancer patients, tumour patients, coma patients, underprivileged kids and soldiers who are actually out there fighting for the chance to live, this foolish moment of vulnerability would have made me the most selfish person in the world and an ungrateful bastard.

Having no where to turn, I could only find temporary solace in putting myself to sleep. Lying down, a million thoughts and worries would criss-cross my mind. I would stare into the wall and wouldn't know how to help myself or what to look forward to. I can't kill myself, but neither am I driven by the motivation and optimism to live. Regardless of silent weeps that turn into sobs, falling asleep was what came after. Even so, my bottled up fears and subconscious never fails to manifests itself in my dreams as I wake up feeling exhausted and emotionally drained to an unchanged reality within the same body and person that I slept to escape. 

This unhappiness has been going on for almost a year and it's corroding my soul. I am still a complete train wreck who is contemplating whether I should ask for help. A good appetite for life is when you look forward to living it for a better tomorrow, driven by fulfilment, optimism, faith and contentment. Right now, my severe pessimism and fear of being bulldozed again is obstructing my faith and ability to ascend from a deep ocean trench, to once again feel the vastness of the sea, followed by the first liberating breath of fresh surface air.

Experiencing Gay Irrationality

I'm on a short trip away from home and once again staying in a backpackers hostel. I came to this city just to get a feel of things and to see if I might consider the possibility of temporarily finding a job here. While out and about, many attractive guys pass me by and my heart started spiralling out of control by the fourth, fifth and sixth guy. I then ended up back in my hostel bed feeling incredibly sad and cried. I cannot believe I'm emotionally here once again after trying so hard to stay strong.

Moments later, I decided to forget about my sadness and go take a bath. On my way to the showers, a really hot guy was seen checking-in at the reception and I immediately went crazy. As I shower, I tried hard not to let the sight of the new hot guy drag me back into my pool of sadness. However, as I was walking out of the bathroom, I bumped into him who was going in for a shower. Defying all forms of rationality, I immediately turned around and re-entered the bathroom to pretend to wash my face, until the reality of my foolishness hit me: "What the hell am I doing?". He obviously doesn't care or wasn't even aware of what just happened as I dried my face and left.

Back in my room, I couldn't stop wondering if he had finished his shower or which room he was staying in. I would secretly hope and imagine that he'll walk into mine and claim one of the beds that were close to me. This is truly the moment where I'm trying to convince myself that I do not possess some sort of a mental disorder, neither am I insane. So I grabbed my computer and here I am writing this.

After the shower, he came looking for a power socket in the lounge with his computer, but I was already using the last available one. With a pounding heart, I immediately started looking around for more power sockets in hopes that he'll stay and I'll get to gaze at him, maybe even tell him I love him. Unfortunately, he lifted his hand to signal that it was okay and then he walked away in search of another spot. With him gone, I'm feeling the urge of my strong desires to go look for him. With him in the same hostel, I can no longer concentrate on anything else except fantasise about how we're going to be acquainted or if there's a slight chance of me kissing his lower lip and potentially establish long distance before we decide to move in together.

So here I am, sitting in the corner trying to control my tears as I vent my frustration. I really don't know what's wrong with me, neither can I explain what I'm going through with this unreasonable insanity. It hurts so much and it's tearing me apart! How long more in life am I going to feel this way? I really can't handle the destructive pain that comes with being gay any more. All I want more than anything now is my old life back, right when I "wasn't gay". I just want to be myself and be happy again.

I'm Young, Gay And Insecure!

One of the things that come with being a young gay is the abundant requests from old guys on cruising/dating sites. If sex is not their intention, then I am never usually certain as to what it is they're really looking for: friendship, company, a date? Although I sometimes make it a point to send them polite replies whenever I feel that the person is nice and messages are genuinely sincere. But like most young guys who are not interested, I also tend to ignore a majority of them. This, scares me greatly. However not for the wrong reasons that they're old guys, but rather my severely insecure self that has given rise to the looming fear and realisation that I too might one day fall into their lonely shoes.

Youth is no doubt a highly desirable element in the gay world, but just like everybody else, I am not immune to its depreciation. Already feeling turbulently insecure with myself in my current phase of life, what will happen to me when it disappears before I could truly find my sense of self worth? On the other hand, I understand that it is only in the nature of younger generations to fully enjoy their youth, snub them old people and feel like we own the world. In fact, many young gays tend to get so caught up in their youth that they're blithely unaware of the existence and velocity of a countdown clock. Hence rather than contemptuously judging and dismissing our older gay brothers without a sense of respect or sympathy, shouldn't we take a moment and realise that we might one day be in their position? After all, they were once young, confident and desirable like us!  

Lying down in bed, I feel very left out in life. I am also very afraid of my future. Few years down the road, my friends are all going to stabilise in their careers and romantic unions. They'll start having kids and start building a family unit they can really belong to. It seems to me that the life of a gay guy is just so inevitably much more challenging. Growing up gay has led me to believe that I am condemned to live a life of loneliness and constantly feeling invisible. But I can't believe that until this day, nothing's changed and I do still believe in that now. In fact, many gay guys I've met has time and again showed me that despite all forms of success, being lonely is a very apparent scenario that comes with age. Not only because we're so picky, but I realised that you have to be very very lucky in life to find companionship, someone to share your life with.

Therefore, what becomes of the young gay when he one day finds himself being hit with the reality of being old, lonely and left out? Will we find ourselves in the same position as the older on-line guys whom we now contemptuously dismiss? It might seem a little excessive for an inexperienced gay in his twenties to worry about the unnecessary, but that's just my nature. I think. Too much! 

On the other hand, if you happen to be a much older gay reading this, what's your story? What are your criticisms and your two cents? Because I am smart enough to know that even though the passage of time may have drained you of your youth, but it was only in exchange for a wiser insightful mind and a more securely stable position in the game of life.

Birds Of A Feather Flock Together

Lately, I got to thinking about human relationships, people and their social circles. It started with an analysis of my brother, my friends and the various characters in my life in order to understand how we've all come to be ourselves. Despite coming from the same household and upbringing, my brother and I are just so distinctively different from one another in regards to our personality, pattern in life, the way we think and the magnitude of things we want. Due to this, the type of crowd and level of people we could connect with come from two enormously different worlds.

Every person within our social circle regardless of family or friends, represents a part of who we are and fulfils a particular aspect of our life experience. They most often harbour reflections of our character and mentality to varying degrees. Hence, the ability to neutrally judge the personalities and type of people with whom we are most comfortable with could tell us a lot about ourselves. 

Apart from friends and family, the same can be observed in one's choice of existing or prospective romantic partners. After all, people tend to develop relationships with other individuals in possession of a mutual state of mind and thinking. Therefore, take a good analytical look at your friends and partners, what do you see?

With that in mind, there are times where I often silently judge my brother and friends constructively as to the level of romantic partners they go for. Although some of the people in my circle are truly blessed with all the right packages, a kind heart, beautiful personality and great physical appeal, but most often end up with partners who are so much less of what they are in terms of personality, looks, maturity and character sophistication. The only insightful understanding I could formulate out of this scenario is that either their partner in question fulfils another aspect of their personality that may be unconsciously hidden, or all that it truly takes is a genuinely simple heart to mutually find and love another regardless of everything else.

Just last week one of my close friends called to talk about how she still has difficulty finding her niche amongst her colleagues at work. This particular situation at the office inevitably brought back memories of how she effortlessly tried to socially blend into groups during high school, despite having trouble getting a majority of people to relate to her then. Upon hearing this, my heart aches at the sound of her dampened spirit as I similarly recalled my years of consistently feeling the odd one out as I too struggled to find my place. 

College and high school might seem like irrelevantly ludicrous periods to judge one's past in comparison to the present, but they were no doubt truthful miniature versions of our society scaled down into the canteen and classrooms where I first got a taste of where I stood in life among categories of people. From the naturally talented to the determinedly disciplined, the confidently good looking to the inferior, the natively privileged to the diffidently humble, and from the soulfully rich to the shallowly ignorant. Being exposed to a spectrum of personalities, I was able to distinguish the variety of souls, mindsets and level of thinking. It was truly in the presence of others that I not only discovered the quality of the kind of person that I am but also the type I wanted to be for myself.

"Peer pressure is for people who are afraid of their individuality", is a shiveringly accurate statement to address my Achilles' Heel of constantly comparing myself to others. Failure to utilise and acknowledge the positivity of one's individuality among a sea of common people is probably one of life's biggest unrealised potential. Which got me thinking of how impressions of a certain person are more impactful than some others due to the pull of individuality. Even though my unique personality yielded me both sides of a popular social life, the good and the bad, but the strong sense that came with being different certainly scared me and made 'benchmarking myself', 'wanting to fit in' or 'never being good enough' a soul corroding obsession. I consider my social circle a reflection of who I am, therefore the constant re-evaluation of myself and my friends was a theoretical way to help keep me on track with the kind of person I was developing into.

In fact, my unsuccessful attempts in trying to 'be in tune' with certain groups of people then, seems ridiculously silly now due to the realisation that it's impossible to defy your own social wavelength in trying to be somebody else you're not. As I look back on my social patterns, the varying stages of my growth, maturity and advancement were conspicuously captured and reflected on the varying groups of people I grew in and out of. Some were meant to be, and some just weren't. Along the way, I found handfuls of people who stayed in my life and never left. These no doubt blossomed and matured over time into lifelong friendships that are now stable and meaningful.

Looking at my friends in analysis, I've always felt that despite the certain imperfections and positive traits that gave rise to their individuality, each of them share an extraordinarily beautiful character, a pure heart and a deep soul. Hence if the reflection of oneself truly lies within the kind of people, romantic partners and friends you're truly comfortable with, then birds of a feather do indeed flock together. And it is with these reflections and principles that I reassured my friend Freida that everything will be okay, as nothing else currently matters more than our friendship of being able to understand each other and feel secure together as a wolf pack.

Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, I am genuinely grateful for the pure and beautiful bonds I've come to share with a handful of special souls. With such strong friendships in place, one develops more confidence in order to explore and mingle their way into other prospective social circles. Which brings me to '"birds of a feather may flock together, but the broadness of one's mind is definitely stretched and measured through their ability to mingle with differing levels of people". Remember that a poor person who mixes well with the rich doesn't affect his social standing or make him financially more wealthy, but rather respected and acknowledged for the broad level of mentality and capacity of thinking he is capable of.